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Teen Queen Lindsay Lohan Topless

Lohan.jpgWhat a great title, I must say; a real eye-catcher.  What ever happened to sticking to your guns, abiding by your morals, vying for roles not for the Oscars, but for the experience?  Ask teen queen Lindsay Lohan.

Lohan is so keen to bring an Oscar home (a task I’m not sure she has the umm, talent for) that she would abandon her no-nudity clause and bare her breasts (didn’t we already just about see every inch?) if an award-winning role came along.

The Freaky Friday teen queen (I can’t help but love that Lohan hates being called that) is hesitant to appear naked on screen, but admits she does have her price (and from the looks of it, so does her implant surgeon).

She tells the New York Daily News, “I’m okay with being topless in front of people, but I’m not sure if I’d want to do it on-screen.  If it’s a role that’s going to win me an Oscar, it would be different.”

You know, somehow I just can’t see gum-smacking teen queen Lindsay Lohan in a Monster or a Walk the Line.  But maybe that’s just me.

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The Always Refreshing Golden Raspberry Awards

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RAZZIE Founder John Wilson holds up the envelope revealing 2005’s “winner,” Jenny McCarthy‘s lame little “romantic comedy” DIRTY LOVE. DIRTY was also dis-honored for Worst Actress, (written by McCarthy) and Worst Director (McCarthy’s soon-to-be-ex husband John Asher). In introducing the clip from this film, Wilson referred to DIRTY LOVE as “the bastard child that might have resulted had John Derek, the RAZZIE “Winning” Write/Director of BOLERO and Tom Green, the RAZZIE “winning” writer director of FREDDY GOT FINGERED spent a winter together tending sheep on BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN.”The 26th annual Golden Raspberry Awards has their ceremony Saturday and it looks like everyone is sick of TomKat. The Golden Raspberry Awards were created by John Wilson in 1980, intended to compliment the Academy Awards by honoring the worst acting, screenwriting, songwriting, directing and films that were offered that year. Awards are voted upon by the membership of the Golden Raspberry Award Foundation (GRAF). Traditionally nominations are announced one day before the Oscar nominations and presented one day before the Oscar pomp & ceremonies.

A raspberry is a plant that produces a tart, sweet, red composite fruit in late summer or early autumn. In the irreverent sense, as used by the GRAF, the term means “blowing a raspberry” or a Bronx cheer & means to make a noise made to signify derision, made by sticking out the tongue between the lips and blowing to make a sound reminiscent of flatulence. In the terminology of phonetics, this sound does not appear to have an official name, but might be characterized as a labiolingual trill. So, it’s basically the fart award.

This year’s Golden Raspberry Awards winners were no less entertaining than last year. The worst picture fell to Jenny McCarthy’s masterpiece Dirty Love for which she starred and held the title of writer. Worst Actor went to Rob Schneider in Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo, which as far as I am concerned, should continually be a Golden Raspberry nominee. Jenny McCarthy won again for Worst Actress in Dirty Love, with Paris Hilton taking Worst Supporting Actress for House of Wax.

The Golden Raspberry Awards added a new category this year, Saluting the Celebs We’re All Sick & Tired Of. And guess who won! No, not Brad & Angelina. Or J Lo and who she married this week. It was Cruise & Holmes. I just can’t believe it was TomKat! Who is sick & tired of hearing about the sweet & charming love Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes share in a beautiful love cocoon? Am I the only one who lavishes in hearing the latest pregnant kicks, sonogram news, kisses in the dark or PDA at funerals?

Chin up, TomKat, you’ll always be tops to me.

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Eddie Murphy Talk

Eddie & Nicole.jpgA renewed interest into Eddie Murphy’s indiscretions have occupied headlines this week.  His soon-to-be ex-wife, Nicole Mitchell, filed for divorce March of last year citing “irreconcilable differences” and they are now in the thick of divorce negotiations.  Making Eddie the most nervous and scared black man in America.  He is terrified that his 1997 transvestite prostitute encounter might breach their prenuptial agreement. 

You know let’s go back to the reasons why for a minute.  When is it not “irreconcilable differences”?  Why can’t we get a little “Man likes the transvestite dick” going for us?  Just a little honesty in the divorce proceedings would make it so much more interesting.  For instance Jessica Simpson could state, “Nick has no dick.  He sleeps with pretty dolls and has no balls.  He wears silky pink bows, isn’t interested in hoes.”  Who else knew that Dr. Seuss’s birthday was yesterday? 

So with Eddie’s erotic fetishes back in the news, I think it’s high time we revisit the Atisone Kenneth Seiuli era. 

In the early hours of May 2, 1997, Murphy was driving his wife’s SUV down Santa Monica Boulevard in West Hollywood, an area known for homosexual prostitutes. Murphy pulled over, and a transvestite hooker named Atisone Kenneth Seiuli (“call me Shalomar”) got in. They drove off together, but didn’t get far before there was a burst of siren, and Murphy was pulled over by a Los Angeles Sheriff’s Department squad car. 

Was there an order for two pairs of handcuffs?  No, the cops were star-struck. They spent half an hour talking amiably with Murphy, warning him about the neighborhood and perhaps getting his autograph before shaking his hand and letting him go. Seiuli, though, was arrested on an outstanding warrant for violating probation on an earlier prostitution charge.

And as quick as Seiuli could post bail, the story was in the tabloids and on Entertainment Tonight. According to Seiuli, in their brief conversation in the vehicle, Murphy had put two hundred-dollar bills on her leg, and “asked me if I did this for a living, being a transsexual prostitute. I said yes.

“Eddie said, ‘Do you like to wear lingerie?’ I said yes. He said, ‘Can I see you in lingerie?’ I told him, ‘Whenever I have the time.’ He said, ‘I’ll make the time.’ “Then he asked me, ‘What type of sex do you like?’ I said I was into everything.” Or at least, that was Seiuli’s story.

Murphy’s version was, not surprisingly, not the same. “I’m married with three children. I’m not going to be out there screwing hookers off the street or anything like that. I’m just being a nice guy… I was being a good Samaritan. It’s not the first hooker I’ve helped out. I’ve seen hookers on corners… and I’ll pull over… and they’ll go, ‘Oh you’re Eddie Murphy, oh my God,’ and I’ll empty my wallet out to help.”

The next weekend, Saturday Night Live aired a sketch titled, “Good Samaritan Eddie Murphy,” with Tim Meadows as Murphy, transporting transsexuals throughout metropolitan Los Angeles, out of the goodness of his heart.  I wish I could have been there for that one. 

Now that we’re back up-to-date, let’s see Nicole Mitchell’s reaction last month regarding the Atisone Kenneth Seiuli era, “He told me there was this person on the corner crying, so he stopped to help.  But I’m thinking, ‘Well, why the hell did you let them get into the car?'” 

Good samaritan Eddie.  Hmmm…  Do you remember the livid statements by Spike Lee saying that Eddie never helped break black actors into the Hollywood scene?  Hmmm…  Makes you think that that kind of guy wouldn’t really get beyond himself just to help a hooker out.  But that’s just me.  The streets are safe for hookers as long as Good Samaritan Eddie trolls the night. 

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Sperm-Donating Federline Makes News

Federline & Spears.jpg

Newsweek sat down with dancer and perpetual father Kevin Federline to discuss his new role as white-boy rapper.  Federline seems prepared for the backlash this musical move will make.

Quoting his critics, Federline tells us, “He hates his children, he treats his wife like dirt, he gets high all day….  If I was that bad, you think anyone, let alone Britney, would put up with it?”

Ummm, yes.  Though I doubt we need a “Free Britney” campaign.

The fertile Federline plans to release his debut album by this spring, but without featuring his loving and dear wife on the album. 

“We have collaborated, but I’m not going to put the songs on this album because it’s like, ‘Respect me first; then I’ll show you what I’ve done with my wife.”

Ummm, OK.  Like making her into a dribbling, baby-toting idiot?  Yeah, Kev, we know.

Let’s talk Kevin for a minute.  Let’s go back to where it all gets so icky- early 2004.  So, he’s in a long-term relationship with Moesha star, Shar Jackson.  They already have a daughter, born in 2002, and she is six-months pregnant with a son.  At this point Federline dances into the Louisiana heart of Britney Spears and the rest is distasteful history. 

Let me get this straight, he leaves his pregnant girlfriend, waves goodbye and does an I’ll-send-you-a-check-and-see-them-on-the-weekends-I-remember kind of thing and some poor saps out there are going to buy his lackluster album and support behavior such as this?  Maybe we need “Free the Poor Saps” t-shirts. 

My apologies, but if your September 18, 2004 wedding consisted of the groomsmen wearing  matching warm-up suits marked with the word “Pimps” and the wedding fare was chicken wings, ribs, mini cheeseburgers, crab cakes, and Waldorf salad followed by drinks at a nightclub on Sunset Boulevard paid out of your own pocket on top of leaving your pregnant girlfriend, you’re off my “I’m going to buy your album” list. 

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Pamela.bmpYou know her, you love her.  Pamela Anderson, animal rights activist & J Lo basher, is boycotting the Kentucky Derby for all time.  The 38-year-old actress states that her opposition to animal cruelty in all its forms means she can never go back to the famed race horse race. 

“It makes me want to avoid Kentucky altogether, which is sad because there are so many great people there,” the Baywatch babe said in a statement released Tuesday by PETA.  Anderson, a PETA member, has been involved in anti-fur ads and a campaign to raise awareness of what she calls abuse of chickens in processing plants that supply Louisville-based KFC.

Now did you know there is a bust of Colonel Sanders himself located at the Kentucky State Capitol?  Yep, last month Pamela requested to have it permanently removed.  Kentucky governor Ernie Fletcher denied this request stating that the Colonel is a state icon; while KFC called Anderson’s attack a misguided publicity slut, I mean stunt. 

Anderson went on to say, “Like most people, I don’t want to support cruelty to animals, whether it’s forcing horses to race for our amusement or scalding chickens alive for our plate.  We have to be more evolved than this.”

A spokesman for the Kentucky Derby said he regrets that she will not be coming back to the big race and would certainly welcome her back somewhere down the road. 

The Kentucky Derby is held annualy at Churchill Downs in Louisville, this year falling on May 6.

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