Keanu Reeves has gone the way of Hollywood hunks before him, much like chubby Val Kilmer, Alec Baldwin and Gerard Butler. Once A-list hunks that dare tip the scales over- with too much beer and Cheetos perhaps?
Lindsay Lohan Lucks Out: No Jail
Oh Lindsay, what happened to the sweet girl we knew and loved? So little Lindsay LiLo Lohan was no doubt really scared up until the mean old Judge Marsha Revel revealed her ruling for the notorious party monster, who has been running rampant lately. You ask me, Lindsay got off easy. Me, I would have asked the judge to turn Linds over to me, taken the girl across my knee and given her a spanking guaranteed to scare the freckles off of her.
Of course, that’s not going to happen, so Lindsay is damn lucky that even though the judge is pissed-off and won’t accept any of her excuses, she still got off fairly easy. Lindsay said she doesn’t need prison or rehab, though that’s probably out of fear. But she wantonly went to woo funds in Cannes for her still unconfirmed role as porn star Linda Lovelace. As an excuse for why she didn’t make it to her scheduled court date last Thursday, she claimed that her passport was stolen (but the French Police didn’t know about it), that she applied for a replacement (but the U.S. Embassy in France says she only faxed a copy), and that she had to wait for it before she could fly back. That would still make her late, unless she could get on a private jet — which begged friends for via an email. And all that’s not before she was pictured partying it up in Cannes, sporting an ugly new tattoo, and falling down on her knees supposedly due to being tired. (Yeah, Linds; partying all night kinda does that to you.)
Of source, she not at fault. It’s everyone else’s fault. In fact, she claimed that that her father orchestrated the theft of her passport. It’s possible, since Michael Lohan is reputedly trying to gain conservatorship of Lindsay’s estate. Her attorney also tried to blame her no-show at court on her uncle’s recent death. Um, no. It’s because she went to Cannes despite being fully aware that she had a pending court date.
So, she’s lucky that the judge didn’t give her any jail time. (Lindsay even showed up over 10 minutes late for court; couldn’t any of her people at least get her there on time?) She has to yet again wear a SCRAM bracelet on her ankle, which is an alcohol monitoring device. She has to refrain from alcohol and drugs and have random drug testing every week. Sounds easy, but if the girl has an addiction, then it really isn’t all that easy. The last time Lindsay had to wear a SCRAM bracelet, a couple of years ago, she had it removed. The girl is a party monster — she’s spent millions on partying over the years — but she’s also a troubled soul and these legal measures just aren’t going to work on her, even if she had gone to jail. Even her own friends think that she doesn’t have the discipline to stop. I say turn Dr. Phil on her.
Will Cannes Trip Land Lindsay Lohan in Jail?
Lindsay Lohan is in a huge pile of doo and not a very good liar. It’s pretty obvious that she’s delusional and wantonly went off to Cannes last week to party, despite that she had an upcoming court hearing (scheduled for 8:30 am PST this morning). Then she found herself a bit stuck in Europe. Next she claimed that her passport was stolen and had to wait for a replacement, meaning she wouldn’t make the court appearance without a private jet. But today is another day and she’s in even more trouble.
First, the French police say she never reported the passport stolen, despite what her lawyer said at this morning’s LA court hearing — you know, the one Lindsay missed. Next, the U.S. Embassy in Marseille, France says she never applied for a new passport, though she did fax over a copy (I assume she already had a copy of the original). Which means if she really did lose her passport, she’s stuck there even longer. Then she apparently sent an email to friends and family begging for help in getting a private plane back to LA. Here’s the text of the email:
I need my friends, and people I work with to PLEASE help me get on a private plane tomorrow by at least 5pm. This is such a horrible thing that’s happened to me and extremely unfortunate. My passports been stolen and the day before my court hearing. I would never ask such a thing, but if there’s anything that I could ever ask of anyone, it would be to help me with this. I must get back on a jet to LA tomorrow. If anyone has planes leaving Nice/Cannes at any time after 11am when I get my passport, please, please, let me know if you can help me. God bless All my love Thank you, Lindsay Lohan [Radar Online]
Unfortunately, LiLo didn’t get a replacement yet for her passport. Oh and by the way, it’s her dad Michael’s fault for the passport being stolen. Why? To ensure she goes to jail and he takes over her finances? As for the missed court hearing today, the prosecuting D.A. wants to see proof that LiLo had bought a plane ticket, which would show her intent to return on time for the missed court appearance. But whether LiLo’s lying or not, Judge Marsha Revel has actually issued an arrest warrant and set bail at $100,000.
To stay out of jail, at least until the next hearing, she can’t drink alcohol, has to submit random drug testing weekly, and has to wear a SCRAM bracelet, which straps around the ankle and monitors any alcohol intake. You know, like the one she wore in 2007 (in the pic above) but which she had removed? (Cue foreboding music here.)
LiLo supposedly partied until 5 am on a yacht, and is on some French party guest lists for tonight, but is expected to return to LA for Friday. (Her mother has recently said that reports of her partying, in general, are false.) U.S. Customs is planning to stop her when she arrives at LAX, then likely turned over to airport police or the LAPD.
Oh Lindsay, will you never learn? Such a diva. You’re always blaming everyone else, whenever you get in trouble. Did you even secure the porn star role you wemt to Cannes to promote? Are things that desperate for you that you need to get in trouble for one small role, or did someone twist your arm to go to Cannes? If you put in as much effort into your trade as you do in concocting stories, you’d do quite well.
It’s Ok Everyone, Lindsay Lohan is Ok, Not Delusional
From the pseudo-real headlines of the celebrity blogosphere today, you’d think that it was Lindsay Lohan underwent brain surgery, not Barbara Walters. Oh no, wait, that was heart valve surgery. Anyway, Lindsay’s progress is very good right now, thank you very much. So you can stop worrying about her. She doesn’t need a brain transplant.
LA Superior Court Judge Marsha Revel confirmed LiLo is progressing in her alcohol education program. Good on you, Lindsay. Maybe now when you party, you can control yourself. If you can’t, give me a call and I’ll set you straight. I’ll even drive you around for your traffic school classes. I mean, you already seem to have forgotten that you have certain obligations to complete THIS Thursday. Kind of hard to do from France, since you decided to go to Cannes instead of finishing up your final four classes.
Now what I’d like to know, Linds, is why the heck you’re promoting your Linda Lovelace role in Inferno when the word now is that you’re supposedly not confirmed for it? Oh and hey, I think you’d be a great “grindhouse” star. If you want to do any, give me a call; I have some ideas for you. Bring lots of money. If you have any left. If not, maybe you could try for Bollywood, because whatever you’ve been having done to your face is making you look “exotic”. In fact, you’re kinda starting to look like Aishwarya Rai’s weird cousin or something. Now whatever you do, please please please don’t pull a Michael Jackson and go overboard. You were actually a wholesome, cute redhead at one time, and now you’re verging on a strange sort of Vampirella. Wait!! Vampirella? Let’s do a remake: Lilorella. Have, um, your, um, people, um, call, um, mine.