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Jessica Biel Auctioned for $30,000

Jessica Biel.jpgActress Jessica Biel has been auctioned off to a lucky bidder for $30,000.  Biel was trying to help raise funds for an ailing teenager by auctioning herself off for a date with the highest bidder.

Colorado teen Molly Bloom was stuck with expensive & accumulating medical bills after she lost her leg & part of her pelvis in a limousine accident on her high school prom night in May.  Biel was hoping to help the young girl & it looks like she may be able to do just that.

The auction ended in Denver on Tuesday with the lucky winner John leaving the winner of a lunch date with Biel. 

Biel’s father Jonathan says, “Jessica has this opportunity to create a buzz that would provide some support and she’s more than happy to do that.”

The 24-year-old Biel will be meeting John for their lunch date in the coming weeks.  I have to say that this was a great idea by Biel & I hope the $30,000 will be enough to cover Bloom’s expenses. 

That was a great pick-me-up Thursday story.


Lindsay Lohan Gets Her Own Kabbalah Name

Lindsay Lohan Kabbalah.jpg

Lindsay Lohan has been given a new name to add to her collection of ‘fire crotch’ & ‘teen queen’.  She must be so excited.

Lohan has become so involved with the mystical Jewish beleif system Kabbalah, she has been given a name to signify her involvement.  Her special name is Rose.  Makes sense, they are pretty but that whole damn thorn thing can be a problem.  According to reports, Lohan’s name “is partly based on her birth date and place of birth.”

Madonna has been rumored to have been mentoring Lohan, after the Britney Spears fiasco, and introducing her to the mystical (and financial) ways of the religion.  Lohan has stated that she finds solace from her hectic life & partying ways in Kabbalah.

Madonna’s special name is Esther.  Dammit, I want a special name!




Angelina Jolie Brad Pitt.jpgWell, it looks like the adopting newborn twins rumor is on hold, as new reports are surfacing that Angelina Jolie & partner Brad Pitt may be adopting an older male child this week.

To add to their vast array of children, this older child will more than likely be from an impoverished nation & come already named.  The couple have two adopted children, Maddox and Zahara, and a biological baby daughter, Shiloh Nouvel, born in Namibia last month.

A source told Us Weekly that the Hollywood duo plan to “adopt an (older) child to support the idea that people should adopt more children, not just babies.”

Maybe if I wear a dirty sheet with a big, shy smile & post all my mail from India, the Jolie-Pitt’s will adopt me.  Older female child up for adoption, parental units must be willing to travel….


E. Pierce Marshall Dies, Anna Nicole Smith Wins?

pierce marshall.jpgI know this is a little bit late, but better now than never, right?  Apparently E. Pierce Marshall who was in a fierce legal battle with Playboy playmate Anna Nicole Smith died last Tuesday unexpectedly.
The 67-year-old business man died in the Dallas area after a “brief and extremely aggressive infection.”  I wonder, was the extremely aggressive infection named Anna Nicole Smith?

E. Pierce Marshall & Anna Nicole Smith were in a long legal battle after Marshall’s father & Smith’s husband, J. Howard Marshall died in 1995.  Smith married the 89-year-old oil tycoon in 1994 when the then topless dancer was 26.

J. Howard Marshall was at the time one of the wealthiest men in Texas, worth more than $1.6 billion.  Smith claimed that her husband promised her half of his estate, while his son E. Pierce stated that the more than $6 million in gifts she received from J. Howard was all that his father intended to leave her. 

In May, Anna Nicole won her chance to collect millions when the US Supreme Court Justices overturned a US appeals court ruling that stated the widow was entitled to nothing. 

So, what does this mean for Anna Nicole now?  Does she win by default?  Did she hire an infection to kill her legal combatant?  I’m sure there will be more to follow & I will be there to fill you in on all the greasy details.


David Hasselhoff Defends His ‘Idol’ Emotions

David Hasselhoff.jpg

David Hasselhoff was caught crying on camera during the American Idol finale at the end of May.  Hasselhoff has endured the scoffing of many a media, but still keeps his head high & even wishes politicians would follow his lead & show some emotion as well.

The former Baywatch star was in the audience when the American Idol winner was announced, after the fierce Katharine McPhee v.s. Taylor Hicks showdown.  The actor was overcome with emotion when Taylor Hicks took the Idol crown.  Here he is now. 
“Is it wrong for a grown man to cry? Maybe if we had more emotion in the White House we wouldn’t be in this mess we’re in.

“What moved me was the person sitting next to me is my best friend–he has brain cancer. It was his birthday and this was his present.

“When Taylor Hicks won I said, ‘Isn’t that cool? A guy gets the American Dream.’ Then I look over at my best friend who says, ‘Isn’t it great to be alive?’

“I find it kind of strange that you have to explain that in this world. What’s wrong with that? What’s wrong with having emotion?”

Despite having posed nude with Shar Pei puppies, which was so totally strange, Hasselhoff wins points with those comments.


Jennifer Aniston.jpgSome recent news has come to light regarding the guarded relationship of Jennifer Aniston & Vince Vaughn, as well as Aniston & Brad Pitt’s divorce.

A friend of Aniston’s has stepped forward & stated that the lack of Jennifer’s public commitment for supposed beau Vince Vaughn, comes from her father leaving at an early age, not from Brad Pitt’s desertion into the arms of Angelina Jolie.

Close pal Jim Cruise shares, “She is guarded with her emotions. I think her hesitation to commit comes from having had a father who left home when she was a very young girl, when he divorced her mother.

“On some level, I think it’s made her believe that men are prone to leave her, and she wants to leave them before they do it to her. I really believe that.

“I have a sense that Brad didn’t feel she was totally committed to him. Let’s put it this way: when that marriage ended, people in the inner circle were not as surprised as you might think.”

People in the inner circle were not as surprised as you might think?… Is that like the circle of trust?  It’s too bad if this is really how Jen works, life is too short to not love madly & squeeze daily the one you’re with.


Angelina Jolie & Anderson Cooper.jpgIn an interview with CNN’s Anderson Cooper to be aired Tuesday, Angelina Jolie confesses that she & partner Brad Pitt will adopt another child in the near future.  Just weeks after the birth of their first biological child together, the famous couple are already looking into the future. 
“Next we’ll adopt.  We don’t know which–which country. But we’re looking at different countries. And we’re–I’m just–it’s gonna be the balance of what would be the best for Mad (Maddox) and for Z (Zahara) right now. It’s, you know, another boy, another girl, which country, which race would fit best with the kids.”

Jolie& Pitt’s 15-month-old adopted daughter Zahara is from Ethiopia & four-year-old son Maddox is from Cambodia, see tattoo for more details. 

The couple’s youngest child, Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt, was born on May 27 in the African country Namibia.  Jolie said her reason for giving birth in Namibia was that she loved Africa & wanted to take Zahara back to Africa. 

“My other daughter’s African.  And I wanted to take her back to Africa.”

Jolie said she was terrified during the birth of Shiloh, which was by Caesarean section due to the baby being in a breech position.

“And you know, because you’re there for the birth, which I wasn’t for my first two kids, you’re just suddenly terrified that they’re not gonna take a first breath,” she said.

“That was my whole focus. I just wanted to hear her cry. And I was sure everything would go right–at the last minute, I became the mother that was sure everything was gonna go wrong. And she’s healthy, and it was amazing.”

It’s a beautiful thing- being wealthy & having the ability to have your own colors of Benetton family, not to mention the time & means to help move the world into a better place.  So, if you have a lot of spare cash around & want your own personal goodwill ambassador- just give me a buzz. 


tom-cruise-katie-holmes-2.jpgActress Katie, I mean Kate, Holmes has astonished & worried her friends by shedding 28 pounds since giving birth to her daughter Suri on April 18. 

Holmes has been sticking to her strict diet designed by Buff Brides owner Sue Fleming as well as her excessive exercise regime on top of trying to keep up with baby Suri.  Health experts have slammed the actress’ fanatical drive to slim down, saying that loosing weight should be done more leisurely.

A “friend” tells the Daily Star, “Katie has embarked on a hardcore fitness regime and does 200 sit-ups a day, combined with two hours of cardio work before pilates.

“She has eaten healthily since giving birth but now her friends are worried she has dropped two dress sizes in too short a period of time.

“She is rushing around all of the time and is on hand for the baby 24 hours a day.

“Her weight is just rapidly falling off. It can’t be good and has got to be very stressful.”

I guess now that Katie, I mean Kate, is loaded she’s anxious to get the ball rolling with Tom Cruise & get her bod back before the wedding.  But I can’t help but feel that there’s a Scientologist waving a punishing whip at Holmes until the daily physical rituals are done.



Paris-Hilton.jpgIn a hilarious turn of events & in an irony-shaking move, Paris Hilton publicly gave Britney Spears advice yesterday on The View.   

Hilton encouraged the young pop star to try & cooperate with the paparazzi & not antagonize them (with your crotch).  The hotel heiress & general all-around, do-gooder claims she sympathizes with Spears’ plight with the media, but that the best way to handle the stick-to-you-like-glue photographers is to not get a gun, but to smile & work with them.  

Let’s let Paris explain, “(The paparazzi) annoy me, too.

“I can understand going to a press event or a premiere that’s fine, they’re there, but when they’re waiting outside your home every morning and following you around every single day it’s hard.

“I’d rather them just take pictures at events, not at my house.

“I think it’s better just to smile than when people give the middle finger or are rude to them, because that’s what they want you to do.

“They want to get a bad picture.”  (Or if you’re like me, a picture of my firecrotch).

I believe these statements by heiress Paris are shaking the very roots of irony & I wouldn’t be surprised if that old, familiar tree came tumbling down after this tenacious effort by Hilton.


Tom Cruise Brad Pitt.jpg

Scientologist Tom Cruise has sent a little congratulations to fellow father Brad Pitt.  In the congrats card, Cruise wrote,  “Congratulations! You’re doing a fine job following in my footsteps!”

Hmmm….  So Brad Pitt has hypnotized Angelina Jolie into believing that aliens are living inside our very souls & keeps her tied up at night?  Interesting……

Cruise & Pitt worked together in the 1994 movie Interview with the Vampire & have been amicable ever since.  Cruise has playfully accused Shiloh’s daddy of starting a family so he can keep up with Cruise’s new life with fiancee Katie, I mean Kate, Holmes & baby daughter Suri.  ‘Cause you know, everything revolves around the Cruise.  I hear he’s even starting his own orbit.


Britney Spears Kevin Federline Sean P.jpgPopSugar has the latest development on the perfect hillbilly family, Britney Spears & gang.  In their first photograph together since March, Brit is braless, of course, K-Fed is sporting the wife beater, ironic?, & Sean Preston is beginning to look like the year 2019’s top rap artist. 

In an upcoming interview by Matt Lauer that will be aired on Dateline this Thursday, Spears defends her actions as a mother stating we all make mistakes & denies any motions for divorce from redneck husband Federline.

I’m almost inclined to give Brit the benefit of the doubt- the poor girl isn’t yet 25, she has one child already, another one on the way, another child claiming to be her husband and the whole world scrutinizing her every move. 

I can almost let it all go:  the near baby-dropping, the dope-smoking K-Fed, the no car seat fiasco, the bad choice of outfits, the no-bra-I’m-showing-these-babies-off thing & even the not-for-motherhood heels.  I could if she would finally give the hillbilly spawn Kevin Federline the boot.  All I can say is that it will be interesting to see the Thursday interview.  How is she going to backup K-Fed living in the basement if the marriage is so hunkey-dorey?


Denise Richards Charlie Sheen.jpg

Denise Richards is a fantastic rationalizer.  Why I haven’t seen such fine work since Eddie Murphy’s rationalizing on the whole transvestite prostitute Atisone Kenneth Seiuli thing. 

Richards recently stated that she is saddened by her relationship, or lack thereof, with former pal Heather Locklear but insists “you can’t help who you fall for”. 

Unless you’ve been living under a rather secluded rock:  Denise & Charlie Sheen are dunzo; Heather & Richie Sambora are dunzo; Denise & Richie like playing tongue wars & Heather likes ‘em fat by dating David Spade.
Richards says, “You know, the four of us were friends, so it’s not just odd for her. I mean, Charlie knew Richie, but it’s always the women who get the brunt of it all!

“You can’t help who you fall for.”

Hmmm, you know- my brother has been looking good these days.  What the hell is she playing at here?  I think she may be endorsing incest, affairs & bestiality.  ‘You can’t help who you fall for’?  That’s what she’s got?  What about you can help who you screw & who you screw over.  Celebrities, what are ya gonna do?  They just aren’t realistic rationalizers.

Denise goes on to say, “And that friendship (with Locklear), unfortunately, was done and wasn’t salvageable and that’s the thing. People have gone on, ‘Oh, would you date your best friend’s ex?’ You know, she wasn’t my best friend. She was a close friend in the last couple of years. I hadn’t known her my whole life.

“We did not get together during a marriage… (but people) have been hurt in this situation. It’s not good, but it is what it is.”

Wow.  I guess sticking by your friends isn’t cool anymore, no matter hot, I mean how fat & ugly, their husbands are.  Two words:  Gross & Gag!


Marc Anthony is Ugly

Marc Anthony is a Gerbil.JPG


OK, I have to come out and say it:  Marc Anthony is ugly.  There’s really nothing left to say.  He looks like a gerbil & I feel like I should put him in a nice, fresh cage with a running wheel.  Does Jennifer Lopez dig the whole gelled up thing?

And according to my pals at Celebitchy, he’s kinda cuckoo too.  How do you go from Ben Affleck- no top ten hottie, but better than gerbil boy- to Anthony?  I don’t know.  Maybe J-Lo just likes her pets.

Breast List.bmp



Editors at In Touch magazine gave Scarlett Johansson’s “irresistible assets” the top prize in their Best Cleavage In Hollywood poll, thanking Isaac Mizrahi’s wandering hands for finding the best boobs in town.


In Touch spokeswoman Lindsay Loderstedt stated, “It’s not unusual for Scarlett Johansson to receive loads of compliments on her ample chest but the level of appreciation reached a new high at this year’s Golden Globes when fashion designer Isaac Mizrahi couldn’t help but reach out and touch the 21-year-old’s assets during a red-carpet interview.”


How odd, Best Cleavage In Hollywood poll, eh?  Well, I’m looking forward to the Best Dick in Hollywood poll myself.


Best Cleavage In Hollywood 2006 Winners:  (Boobs in winning order)


1. Scarlett Johansson

2. Jessica Simpson

3. Salma Hayek

4. Halle Berry

5. Jessica Alba

6. Tyra Banks

7. Jennifer Love Hewitt

8. Rebecca Romijn

9. Lindsay Lohan

10. Brittany Murphy





Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie.JPG



At a press conference today in Swakopmund, Namibia, Angelina Jolie & Brad Pitt denied rumors that they planed to marry following the birth of their daughter Shiloh Nouvel last month.  Instead the couple insist on concentrating & being committed to raising their three children.  This was the couple’s first public appearance since the birth of their daughter.  And man, has Jolie already lost a ton of baby weight, that bitch.

Jolie stated, “There is nothing in the air. The focus is the kids, and we are obviously extremely committed to the children and as parents together.

“So that kind of says it for us, and to have a ceremony on top of it is nothing.”

Speaking to Namibia natives Pitt said, “We have been able to have a very special, peaceful time for our family here, exploring your country and more importantly helping with the delivery of our daughter Shiloh. So for that we are eternally grateful.”

The Jolie-Pitt tribe are planning to leave Namibia in the coming days after their two month stay in the African country.  I’m seeing a new tourist t-shirt for the area:  ‘My parents went to Namibia (the place where Angelina Jolie gave birth to Brad Pitt’s love child) & all I got was this lousy t-shirt’.


Tom Cruise NASCAR.jpgWell, it looks like Tom Cruise’s ‘religion’ Scientology has its hand in all the cookie jars.  The new jar with the Scientology hand inside is NASCAR. 

The new racing team, dubbed ‘Ignite Your Potential’ (barf!), will tour the NASCAR circuit with driver Kenton Gray.  Thankfully a Dianetics, inspired by the book written by founder L. Ron Hubbard, Racing Website is being set up for fans.  Whew!  I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to share in this new Scientology glory. 

Driver Gray credits Hubbard’s work with making him a good driver saying, “It’s markedly improved my focus and my consistency.  Through ‘Dianetics’ I’ve handled stress and increased my performance and ability to compete—both on the track and in life.”

An unidentified source stated the reason behind the NASCAR move by stating, “Scientology makes a point of recruiting celebrities as a part of it’s marketing appeal.  If this is another marketing appeal — reaching out to the NASCAR crowd — it’s brilliant.”

Yep, aliens & demons usually are pretty smart cats.



Britney Spears Divorce Kevin Federline.jpg

Hallelujah, Hallelujah,
Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah!

For the Britney Spears’ omnipotent reigneth!
Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah!

For the Britney Spears has come to her damn senses!

According to British reports, Britney Spears has signed preliminary divorce papers.  Poor Kevin Federline is going to the poor house.

The pregnant pop diva allegedly signed legal documents after consulting with lawyers about ending her marriage with K-Fed.  About damn time.  You know one kid, another on the way & an unsuccessful marriage under her belt by 24-years-old is a true feat.

A source told the British press, “It’s a stressful time. Britney has already started seeing lawyers about splitting with Kevin.

“She is serious about it. She knows she has to get things moving.”

We’ve all been suspecting this divorce for awhile, especially since the whole being-kicked-to-the-basement thing.  And with last week’s post on Britney Spears’ website, it was only a matter of time. 

Spears posted a poem entitled ‘Remembrance Of Who I Am’ as well as a photo of her giving the bird on her website last week.  The poem describes Spears feeling tied down in “chains” & poses the question, to Federline supposedly, “How do you stand sleeping at night?”

The heart-felt poem continues with feeling of being “manipulated” and “swallowed” & mentions “the sins of the Father”.

Hopefully, it’s finally over.  We can forever put this K-Fed behind us & look forward to embracing the old & attractive Britney Spears.  I’m thinking she’s going to be hotter than ever with the breakup.  Just look what Nick Lachey & Beck’s albums did after their own heartbreak & disappointments.  Yep, I’m thinking the “I’m Back & Reinvented Tour” should be the title of Spears’ reappearance.


Kristin Cavallari.jpgMTV’s Laguna Beach star Kristin Cavallari is set to take over Jessica Simpson’s role as Daisy Duke in the next Dukes of Hazzard movie.  This is rather interesting since it has been rumored that Cavallari dated Simpson’s estranged hubby Nick Lachey earlier this year.

The film’s producer Bill Gerber is working on a prequel to the Dukes of Hazzard film, can we really call it a film?  Gerber desperately wants to cast Kristin in the role of Daisy Duke, the movie that marked Simpson’s film debut.  Why the hell do I keep calling this made-for-the-masses movie a film? 

Gerber explains, “She’s at the top of the list. I like her innocence and her beauty.  It’s a prequel, like Batman. We’re going for a whole new cast.”

I’m not sure which is more disturbing, the fact that there’s an audience for another damn Dukes of Hazzard or that Gerber thinks Cavallari innocent.


Angelina Jolie Brad Pitt.jpgStill Waiting:  An Angelina Jolie & Brad Pitt Update

While we’re still waiting on pins & needles for the birth of baby Jolie-Pitt, here are some quick Namibia news updates.  Charges against a South African photographer who was arrested for trespassing while trying to snap a photo of pregnant Angelina Jolie & partner Brad Pitt have been dismissed.   A Namibian judge has dismissed the trespassing charges against 48-year-old John Liebenberg who was taken into custody Friday afternoon.

Liebenberg drove into the back of a police station in Walvis Bay, Namibia in search of a vantage point of a nearby hospital. The veteran photojournalist was reacting to a tip that the elusive Jolie had been rushed to there to have her baby.

Liebenberg was released on a warning after being detained for three days.

In other Angelina Jolie / Brad Pitt news, their adopted daughter Zahara has been struck down with a mysterious illness.  The 16-month-old girl has reportedly stopped sleeping properly & cries when she is placed on her back.

According to The Sun, Brad is insisting on taking Zahara to the US for treatment, but the about-to-burst pregnant Angelina wants to stay in Africa until she delivers her baby.

A source states, “Brad is absolutely beside himself. He’s desperate to take Zahara to the US for medical attention. But Angie insists on staying in Africa.

“It has caused a number of fights between them.”

It is thought that Zahara might have a genetic illness, but innumerable tests have yet to reveal any clues.

The source added: “She’s had so many tests, but no one knows what is wrong.”



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