Oh, Paris- that thoughtful, conscientious, delicate & lovely lady is so misunderstood.  Did I hear someone say ‘Not!’? 

While visiting her latest prey, Cardinals quarterback Matt Leinart, Paris Hilton seems to be admitting her mental handicap for the first time.  According to the residents of the exclusive apartment complex where Leinart resides, the pea-brained & mentally afflicted heiress thoughtlessly parks into handicapped spaces whenever she visits. 

I feel like this is the first sign of recovery for Paris.  First you have to realize that you do have a problem & then face it.  And with Barbie purse in hand & pettiness on her sleeve, Paris Hilton will overcome her mental handicap, by golly.  Or I’m not Brad Pitt.

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At a press conference today in Swakopmund, Namibia, Angelina Jolie & Brad Pitt denied rumors that they planed to marry following the birth of their daughter Shiloh Nouvel last month.  Instead the couple insist on concentrating & being committed to raising their three children.  This was the couple’s first public appearance since the birth of their daughter.  And man, has Jolie already lost a ton of baby weight, that bitch.

Jolie stated, “There is nothing in the air. The focus is the kids, and we are obviously extremely committed to the children and as parents together.

“So that kind of says it for us, and to have a ceremony on top of it is nothing.”

Speaking to Namibia natives Pitt said, “We have been able to have a very special, peaceful time for our family here, exploring your country and more importantly helping with the delivery of our daughter Shiloh. So for that we are eternally grateful.”

The Jolie-Pitt tribe are planning to leave Namibia in the coming days after their two month stay in the African country.  I’m seeing a new tourist t-shirt for the area:  ‘My parents went to Namibia (the place where Angelina Jolie gave birth to Brad Pitt’s love child) & all I got was this lousy t-shirt’.

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Celebitchy:  Jennifer Lopez is officially not pretty

PopSugar:  Britney Spears’ look makes me feel a little empathy for the girl with cameras in her face non-stop

The Superficial:  Jessica Simpson stands with a stick up her ass & looks to be imitating Mary Lou Retton

Gossip Or Truth:  Finally, we can hear Paris Hilton’s lungs at work- singing that is

D Listed:  Nicole Kidman’s privates

Paul Reubens’ dream has come true!  Free porn for everyone with indecent exposure welcome!  Actually, the other dream came true.  Pee-Wee’s Playhouse is finally returning to your TV set. 

Cartoon Network’s Adult Swim has acquired all 45 half-hour episodes, along with Pee-Wee’s Playhouse Christmas Special.  Starting July 10, you will be able to see the show Monday-Thursday at 11pm. 

Pee-Wee’s Playhouse has not been aired since the original 1986-1991 run on CBS’s Saturday morning lineup.  Pee-Wee Herman’s alter ego Paul Reubens career plummeted in 1991 when he was famously arrested for indecent exposure in a Florida porn theater.  We’ve come along way since then, with Charlie Sheen receiving just a small slap on the wrist for his many irksome indiscretions. 

“I’d say this was a dream come true, but I never dared to dream the Playhouse would join Adult Swim’s amazing lineup of cool shows!” Reubens said. “Well, maybe I did dream of it a couple of times. OK, it’s a dream come true!”

Pee-Wee’s Playhouse amazed kids & adults alike & won a mouth-gaping 22 Emmys throughout its airing.  I fell in love with Pee-Wee in 1987 & a complete DVD box set was released in 2004. 

Just another reason for me to love Adult Swim.  Alongside Futurama, Family Guy & American Dad, where could you go wrong?  It’s good to have the Pee-Wee back.

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Say your first, or second, hello to Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt.

They look the proud parents, Angelina Jolie & Brad Pitt.  I wonder what Maddox & Zahara make of the new addition. 

Thanks to Celebitchy for the pic.

Just Jared:  People gets Shiloh Jolie-Pitt pictures, didn’t we already know that one?

Egotastic:  David Spade not the slim guy you thought he was

Gossip Or Truth:  Jennifer Garner drops out of Dallas to avoid the other Jennifer

IDLYITW:  Kristin Cavallari skipped over, April Scott to play Daisy Duke

PopSugar:  Lindsay Lohan drops film like hot potato due to lesser known directors

Amid reports that Dave Grohl suffered a fatal accident, the one & only has stepped forth to say that he’s still alive & well.

The Foo Fighters frontman’s wife Jordyn started receiving condolence calls after several websites reported that Grohl had died.

Grohl says, “I got a phone message from a friend saying, ‘Er, I guess . . . Jordyn, this is maybe for you. I’m so sorry to hear what happened.  They were leaving a message on my cell phone saying, ‘I’m sorry Dave died.’”

“I guess I’ve finally graduated to the status of being an Internet rumor. It weirded me out a bit, but it’s stupid. I’m like a cockroach. Don’t worry. I’ll be around for a long time.”

And I do love cockroaches.

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Well, it looks like Tom Cruise’s ‘religion’ Scientology has its hand in all the cookie jars.  The new jar with the Scientology hand inside is NASCAR. 

The new racing team, dubbed ‘Ignite Your Potential’ (barf!), will tour the NASCAR circuit with driver Kenton Gray.  Thankfully a Dianetics, inspired by the book written by founder L. Ron Hubbard, Racing Website is being set up for fans.  Whew!  I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to share in this new Scientology glory. 

Driver Gray credits Hubbard’s work with making him a good driver saying, “It’s markedly improved my focus and my consistency.  Through ‘Dianetics’ I’ve handled stress and increased my performance and ability to compete—both on the track and in life.”

An unidentified source stated the reason behind the NASCAR move by stating, “Scientology makes a point of recruiting celebrities as a part of it’s marketing appeal.  If this is another marketing appeal — reaching out to the NASCAR crowd — it’s brilliant.”

Yep, aliens & demons usually are pretty smart cats.

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PopSugar:  The arrival of the MTV music awards

The Superficial:  Nicole Kidman & Keith Urban paranoid about wedding

Egotastic:  Despite popular opinion, Lindsay Lohan & Paris Hilton can be adults

Just Jared:  Cutie Kate Hudson pics

Socialite’s Life:  Man goes a long way to not be Olivia Newton-John’s boyfriend

 

 

Hallelujah, Hallelujah,
Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah!

For the Britney Spears’ omnipotent reigneth!
Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah!

For the Britney Spears has come to her damn senses!
Hallelujah!

According to British reports, Britney Spears has signed preliminary divorce papers.  Poor Kevin Federline is going to the poor house.

The pregnant pop diva allegedly signed legal documents after consulting with lawyers about ending her marriage with K-Fed.  About damn time.  You know one kid, another on the way & an unsuccessful marriage under her belt by 24-years-old is a true feat.

A source told the British press, “It’s a stressful time. Britney has already started seeing lawyers about splitting with Kevin.

“She is serious about it. She knows she has to get things moving.”

We’ve all been suspecting this divorce for awhile, especially since the whole being-kicked-to-the-basement thing.  And with last week’s post on Britney Spears’ website, it was only a matter of time. 

Spears posted a poem entitled ‘Remembrance Of Who I Am’ as well as a photo of her giving the bird on her website last week.  The poem describes Spears feeling tied down in “chains” & poses the question, to Federline supposedly, “How do you stand sleeping at night?”

The heart-felt poem continues with feeling of being ”manipulated” and “swallowed” & mentions “the sins of the Father”.

Hopefully, it’s finally over.  We can forever put this K-Fed behind us & look forward to embracing the old & attractive Britney Spears.  I’m thinking she’s going to be hotter than ever with the breakup.  Just look what Nick Lachey & Beck’s albums did after their own heartbreak & disappointments.  Yep, I’m thinking the “I’m Back & Reinvented Tour” should be the title of Spears’ reappearance.

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Well, normally when we hear of folks impregnating other folks, we’re not privy to the spectacle.  But illusionist David Copperfield is changing all that by stating that he will indeed impregnate a willing female participant onstage in Germany.

Ha!  That David Blaine & his fish tank are nothing compared with live sex.  What?  No real, live sex?  What the hell? 

Copperfield explains himself, “There is a great deal of new territory to conquer. I’m going to make a girl pregnant. Naturally there will be no sex.

“Everybody will be happy about it, but I’m not telling you any more.”

I would be more happy with sex, but you have me interested, Copperfield.  Very interested. 

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Socialite’s Life:  Britney Spears on the move with a new Porsche

Gossip Or Truth:  Matt Damon & Luciana Bozan expecting a baby girl

Egotastic:  I can’t help it, Anna Nicole Smith belongs on Jerry Springer

Pink Is The New Blog:  The first look at Gwen Stefani after the birth of son Kingston James

The Superficial:  In a bold move, it has finally been confirmed that Natalie Portman & Jake Gyllenhaal are in fact dating

In a move to promote his new movie The Break-Up as well as to prove to us that he’s worthy of Jennifer Aniston, Vince Vaughn filled in for TV host Regis Philbin this morning on Live with Regis & Kathy.

The Swingers star co-hosted the show alongside Kelly Ripa interviewing guests, engaging in idle chit-chat & of course, giving away prizes. 

It looked like Ripa was going to jump Vaughn’s bones as she said, “I can’t believe I’m sitting here next to a bona fide movie star. Now I can play footsie with you under the desk and no one can see!

“I thought for sure one of the producers must have had nude photos of you somewhere. I was like, ‘Wow! How did we get him?’”

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Scientologist Tom Cruise & his fiancee Katie Holmes have asked American Idol runner-up Katharine McPhee to sing at their wedding. 

Holmes apparently met McPhee at the Los Angeles Church of Scientology (boo!), where the singer was taking courses with her boyfriend (double boo!).  After meeting Katharine, Katie became a fan of the singer & when McPhee lost the Idol crown to Taylor Hicks last week, the couple got in touch and requested her to perform at their wedding ceremony.  

A close friend stated, “Tom and Katie have become Katharine’s biggest fans. They think she’s destined to become a singing legend.”

Tom & Katie are not the only ones showing interest, reportedly Steven Spielberg has set a meeting with McPhee to talk about her future as an actress. 

You know, it’s nice that there are American Idols out there that help boost the talented people to stardom.  It just sucks when the screw it all up with that damn Scientology bit.

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Egotastic:  Everything you want to know about the new Superman movie

PopSugar:  The latest & greatest Madonna concert

The Superficial:  Kevin Federline wants to be your banker

Just Jared:  Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes like Jim Carrey

D Listed:  Samuel L. Jackson is a Snake on a Plane

Playboy pimp Hugh Hefner wants to strip Angelina Jolie down for his playful magazine once the actress has lost weight from giving birth to her & Brad Pitt’s baby Shiloh Nouvel.  
 
The recently turned 80-year-old tycoon is anxious to tempt the vixen into sharing her body with fans around the world.  Are you excited as a lark & cannot contain yourself dur to the anticipation- well then enjoy this shot & try to hold on.

Hugh suggests, “I’m hoping to bump into Angelina Jolie to get her to do Playboy after she’s had the baby.”

Hefner is a busy 80-year-old as he’s also planning a movie about his life.  Who would be best suited to play the Playboy pioneer?  Pee Wee Herman?  Philip Seymour Hoffman?  Jack Black?  Well, it looks like Hugh has made his personal choice with another Hugh.

Hefner is desperate to cast X-Men star Hugh Jackman in his biopic film about his life and the adult entertainment industry. 

Hefner says, “I’d love Hugh to play me.”

In reality, the two Hughs couldn’t be more different.  Hefner resides at the Playboy mansion with three younger girlfriends while Jackman, 37, seems happily married with two adopted children. 

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Michelle Rodriguez is free & so are well, unless you’re French.  Rodriguez has been released from prison after serving just hours of her 60-day drunk driving sentence.  Michelle celebrated by getting drunk & driving, I imagine.

The Lost star checked herself into a Los Angeles jail last Thursday only to be released after just 4 hours & 27 minutes behind bars.  I guess she was as annoying there as she is in the reality TV world and they decided to do themselves a favor.  Apparently the quick release was due to overcrowding & budget problems in the Los Angeles jail system.

Well if Michelle lives up to her word, the US is done with her as she is with us.  Before reporting to jail Rodriguez told the press, “I’m moving to France… People don’t bother you there. I do what I got to do and then I leave the country and never come back.”

She’s moving a little slow on her promise, I’d have to say, as she was spotted ringside at the Ultimate Fighting Championship in LA Saturday.

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Jossip:  Martha Stewart’s wallpaper- what was she thinking?

Hollywood Tuna:  Halle Berry is a very pretty person as well as Tuna’s new look

The Superficial:  Kevin Federline deserves ‘Douchebag of the Year’ award

Egotastic:  Paris Hilton gets us all worked up, again & again & again

D Listed:  Elizabeth Taylor not dead, just crazyfied

 

Director Sofia Coppola is expecting her first child with French rocker boyfriend Thomas Mars.  According to Coppola’s rep she is already three months pregnant.

The blissful couple announced their happy news at Cannes where the director’s latest film, Marie Antoinette premiered & received boos last week. 

The new beau Thomas Mars is not widely known in the US, but his French pop-rock band Phoenix is hoping to spread their fame past Europe.  Sofia tried to give him a leg-up in the States by using his song Too Young for the soundtrack of her acclaimed Lost in Translation.

Sofia Coppola was married for four years to Adaptation director Spike Jonze. The couple divorced in 2003 & had no children together.  You know I thought that would be the perfect marriage- two immensely inventive & intelligent directors living a life of love & creativity-driven bliss.  But I guess Sofia prefers a little more rock ‘n roll in her life.

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