Zany Scientologist Tom Cruise & Katie, I mean Kate, Holmes refuse to be rushed over the unveiling of the Satan child, I mean, their baby daughter Suri. 

The Hollywood couple feel the pressure of the media to release photographs of the 12-week-old girl, but will release photos of the invisible baby when they feel good & ready.

We are all becoming more suspicious by the day & with the not-really-standard birth certificate obtained by TMZ.com, our heads are hurting from all the scratching & wondering.  

Even US Weekly, in their oh-so-cute fashion, have a clock ticking off the days since Suri’s birth on April 18 to indicate how this child probably doesn’t exist or looks just like L. Ron Hubbard & the Church of Scientology is scared stiff to release those images to the public at large.   

Cruise & Holmes’ spokesperson Arnold Robinson recently stated, ”If and when they do make a decision, it will be at their discretion and not anybody else’s.”

Which really means to me that the child does have a bifurcated tail & horns.

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Gossip or Truth:  Keira Knightley bares it all, her feet I mean

Celebitchy:  Jennifer Aniston inspires male stripping

PopSugar:  Lindsay Lohan, you have to be kidding me!

The Superficial:  Eva Longoria so not cute without makeup

Egotastic:  Natalie Portman NOT nude in Goya’s Ghost, I know you’re devastated, stop pretending

Defamer:  Snakes on a Plane, the music video

D Listed:  Simple Life 5 news

Besides being the skinniest thing to hit London since Kate Moss, Keira Knightley is apparently an emotional wreck.  The Pirates of the Caribbean star has no idea why her boyfriend, co-star Rupert Friend, puts up with her & her out-of-control emotions, I have a few speculations on that subject…

Knightley tells Elle magazine, “I’m awful. I always have freak-outs. I don’t know why anyone puts up with me. I’m mostly an emotional wreck!”

She says even the smallest problems cause an emotional reaction: “It’s stupid s**t. I don’t freak out about anything that actually warrants a freak-out.

“That I can deal with. It’s the little stuff I can’t deal with.

“Anyone who has gone out with me will tell you I have this awful tendency to cry when I get really angry. And I can’t stop.

“If I could stop it I would, because I can occasionally come up with some fantastically cutting one-liners in fights.

“I’ll come out with one and say, ‘Oh, that was great.’ But suddenly I’ll find I’m crying. And I’ll be like, ‘S**t, I completely ruined my one-liner.’ It’s annoying!”

Well, I guess I feel that this behavior is pretty much par for the course of an actor.  Any other ideas?

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In a wish-I-could-have-been-there event, Jackie Chan rushed the stage of a Hong Kong concert while intoxicated.

Action star Chan was invited to attend the performance of Taiwanese singer Jonathan Lee this past Sunday in his native Hong Kong & apparently thanked everyone for the invite by crashing the show.

According to the Ming Pao Daily News, Jackie Chan unexpectedly took the stage & disrupted Lee’s performance while shouting insults at the crowd.  The newspaper claims Chan told the audience that he was drunk & wished to sing a duet with Lee. 

Chan also attempted to conduct the band, but was only able to start & stop them several times. 

Hilarious, I say!  I wonder if the real, drunk Jackie Chan is similar to the drunk Chan in Shanghai Noon, ’cause that would actually be quite adorable.  Yep, definitely a wish-I-could-have-been-there event.

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Gossip or Truth:  Scarlett Johansson & Wilmer enjoy some time together

Celebitchy:  Dita Von Teese’s perfect boobs are indeed fake, whew!

PopSugar:  Natalie Portman considers Indian Jones

The Superficial:  I don’t believe in Suri Cruise

Egotastic:  Lindsay Lohan shills for Proactiv

Defamer:  Pirates 2 kicks more ass than the first

D Listed:  Angelina Jolie still hates her father

IDLYITW:  More & more of Pamela Anderson, ye gods!

New mom Angelina Jolie is throwing back the curtains of maternity leave & taking on her first role since the birth of her daughter Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt in May.

Jolie is re-teaming with Tenacious D’s Jack Black in the animated comedy Kung Fu Panda.  Black & Jolie previously worked together as voiced characters in the 2004 movie Shark Tale. 

Jolie will also join cast members Dustin Hoffman, Jackie Chan, Lucy Liu & Ian McShane for the martial arts cartoon movie scheduled to be released in May 2008, hope you’re strapped in for a wait. 

Black will, of course, play Po the Panda who slings noodles in a restaurant & loves kung fu, but alas, does not have the right body to practice the marial art.

Jolie will provide the voice of Tigress, a martial arts master who must get the Po the Panda into fighting form after it is revealed that he is the Chosen One.

Don’t you just love movie news for movies that will come out in 2008?  Anticipation is overrated, possibly the same principle goes for this movie.

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I’m not making a stab at politics, but right-winger & political pundit Ann Coulter has a physical attribute that’s worth making fun of.

Beware the freakishly long monkey hands of Ann Coulter.  They’re good for grabbing liberals by the neck & showing them the light, I suppose.  Ye gods, they are frightening!

As US Weekly stated, I’m going to try & stifle my snicker next time she argues against the Theory of Evolution, gesturing lavishly with her monkey hands.

Apparently love overcomes age, or in this case, lust overcomes old man farts?  53-year-old actor Jeff Goldblum & 24-year-old Simple Life star Nicole Richie are dating.

Richie recently broke off her engagement with on & off again boyfriend / fiance DJ A.M., real name Adam Goldstein & is now enjoying the benefits of freedom by dating her childhood dreamboat, Goldblum.

The, if you will pardon my wording, hilarious couple have been spotted about in Hollywood lately & in a recent interview Richie stated that she’s had a crush on the black-locked actor since she was 13.

Goldblum was at one time married to Geena Davis, how did he ever land her?, & was engaged to B movie star favorite Laura Dern.  He was, until quite recently, engaged to another 24-year-old, a dancer by the name of Catherine Wreford.  After a whirlwind romance, the couple engaged each other following a touring stage production of The Music Man.

Two words:  gag & gross.

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PopSugar:  We just can’t get enough of Lindsay Lohan, can we?

The Superficial:  More Jennifer Aniston & Vince Vaughn wedding scoop

Egotastic:  Kritsin Cavallari bikini pictures to make your day happy

Celebitchy:  Avril Lavigne getting married this weekend?

Gossip of Truth:  Paris Hilton only does 2-night stands

According to US Weekly, super secret couple Jennifer Aniston & Vince Vaughn are doing more than publicly dating- they’re getting married, hitched, tying the knot. 

During a recent Mexican getaway, Jen & Vince could keep quiet no longer.  Jen told a friend, “We’re getting married.”  The big news came after their week their week between Girls Gone Wild founder Joe Francis’ Puerto Vallarta property & Cabo San Lucas where they spent some time holed up in their $5,000 per night suite at the Villas Del Mar at Palmilla. 

An employee of the resort stated, “They didn’t leave the resort too often.  She was a very quiet guest.”

To celebrate their last night in Mexico last Sunday, Aniston & Vaughn they ordered in appetizers from restaurant. “

They seemed in love,” said another resort employee.

Pal Courteney Cox thinks the duo make a nice pair & might make it through a marriage.

“He makes her laugh.”  Cox stated.  “They have fun, I’ll say that much.  They’ll spend a lot of time laughing.”

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Lindsay Lohan has been given a new name to add to her collection of ‘fire crotch’ & ‘teen queen’.  She must be so excited.

Lohan has become so involved with the mystical Jewish beleif system Kabbalah, she has been given a name to signify her involvement.  Her special name is Rose.  Makes sense, they are pretty but that whole damn thorn thing can be a problem.  According to reports, Lohan’s name “is partly based on her birth date and place of birth.”

Madonna has been rumored to have been mentoring Lohan, after the Britney Spears fiasco, and introducing her to the mystical (and financial) ways of the religion.  Lohan has stated that she finds solace from her hectic life & partying ways in Kabbalah.

Madonna’s special name is Esther.  Dammit, I want a special name!

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PopSugar:  The it’s-all-about-me Lindsay Lohan birthday bash

Celebitchy:  Hilary Swank says ex-love Chad Lowe is an addict- well, duh!

Gossip or Truth:  Kevin Federline is such a little prankster- NOT!

The Superficial:  Keira Knightley isn’t anorexic & she doesn’t appreciate you saying so

Egotastic:  Celebrating the anniversary of the French creation with Lindsay Lohan birthday bikini photographs

IDLYITW:  Freddie Prinze Jr. really is a prankster

Pink is the New Blog:  Tori Amos working her magic in the recording studio

D Listed:  Madonna & dancers- one big happy family

Gawker:  Lil’ Kim out of prison & not so lil’ after all

Defamer:   Meryl Streep saves summer 2006

It’s been three months since the birth of Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes’ first child together & there’s still no word on when we’re ever going to see baby Suri.

Even good pals & fellow scientologists John Travolta, Kelly Preston or Lisa Marie Presley have yet to see the young tyke.  According to a source, friends Will & Jada Pinkett Smith have not seen the fruit of Cruise’s loins, despite many a call to the Crusie / Holmes household.

The source states, “Every time, it’s a different excuse: He’s busy or Kate’s not feeling well.  [The Smiths] think it’s so weird.”

Right after Suri was born, the photo agency WireImage stated that it would be offering photographs of Suri for auction.  Just days later, on May 11, the photo agency declared, “the baby shoot is on hold for now. There is no additional info as to when this may happen or if it will even happen at all.”
 
I’m still convinced we haven’t seen the girl child Suri because she has red horns on her head & a bifurcated tail. 

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Crazypants Naomi Campbell needs psychological help, according to her former personal assistant Ana Scolavino.  Ummm, I could have told you that much.  Crazypants Campbell is what I call the superfreak, I mean, the supermodel. 

But I guess Scolavion has fist-handed experience with Naomi, since she was attacked by her earlier this year with a phone to the head, which ended up needing several stitches.

Last Tuesday Campbell pleaded not guilty to assaulting Scolavino in her New Tork home in March.  Yeah, right.   The case has been adjourned until Septebmer 27, giving, I’m sure, Campbell enough time to bribe (and / or sleep with) all the right people.

Scolavino has been so appalled with Crazypants Campbell’s behavior, she likened it to “a wild, caged animal ready to pounce on any victim.”

The former assistant went on to say, “She is so crazy you never know when she will hit out. Anything can send her into a frenzy.

“There is not a single nice bone in Naomi’s body. She is a psychotic monster.

“On the catwalk she might look beautiful, but apart from her face in person she is the ugliest person I have ever met.

“She needs serious psychological help before she hurts or even kills someone. I should know–I am lucky to be alive.

“Every day she was like a wild, caged animal ready to pounce on any victim, swearing at everyone.”

And Crazypants Campbell strikes again, literally.

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PopSugar:  Ashlee Simpson goes pink for Victoria’s Secret

Celebitchy:  Uma Thurman hits the beach with hotelier boyfriend

Gossip Or Truth:  Jennifer Lopez bans ex-husband from publishing tell-all book

The Superficial:  Hooray for independence!

Egotastic:  Lindsay Lohan birthday plans

Jossip:  Lil’ Kim gets another chance

D Listed:  Tara Reid still colorful

Defamer:  Superman clips will brighten your Monday

Hotel heiress & Britney Spears empathizer Paris Hilton has increased her security after a stalker pretending to be Hilton’s fiance showed up at her father’s office armed with a knife.

The actress / singer / all-around hooligan decided that her personal safety was at risk after the man arrived at Rick Hilton’s place of business.  
 
She says, “I’ve had a lot of stalker incidents, and I usually can handle them.

“But the scariest one was when a guy turned up at my dad’s office and said he was my fiance. He forced his way inside and the cops discovered he had a knife on him. That was freaky.

“Now I have a lot of security all the time so I feel safe. I guess that’s one of the things you have to learn to live with, but it’s still scary.”

Poor Paris.  She just wants to feel safe. 

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It’s a bird.  It’s a plane.  No, it’s the box office soaring faster than a speeding bullet this weekend with Superman Returns as its prime breadwinner.  The much awaited movie hits screens with 4,065 engagements this weekend.

The Warner Bros. Pictures film sped into 3,915 venues in North America Wednesday & cashed in more than $21 million in gross ticket sales.  The Wednesday premier was number 11 on the biggest Wednesday opening, of all time, just behind The Fellowship of the Ring which took in $18.2 million, with Spider-Man 2 taking the cake in 2004 with $40.4 million.

Superman Returns marks the first time in 19 years that the blue leotard-ed man has graced the silver screen.  With newcomer Brandon Routh donning the red cape, blowing-away-in-the-wind Kate Bosworth as newsie Lois Lane & Kevin Spacey as villain Lex Luthor, this new take on an old take will be an interesting couple of hours. 

See you bright & early Monday with more rumors & tales.  Happy weekend!

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PopSugar:  Victoria Beckham has a World Cup hair emergency

The Superficial:  Paris Hilton plays Noah in real life

Egotastic:  Thank heavens for little girls who help along Courtney Cox nipple slips

Celebitchy:  Tori Spelling reportedly learned of father Aaron’s death by text message, which does kinda makes sense with that family

Gossip or Truth:  Hilarious adoption anecdote inspired by Angelina Jolie, a must check-out

D Listed:  Star Jones is one crazy bitch

Defamer:  Brad Pitt & the case of the international embezzler

IDLYITW:  Britney Spears grows brains & considers move back home to Louisiana

Socialite’s Life:  Jessica Simpson & Nick Lachey almost, forever no more

 

Well, it looks like a butt-load of paparazzi photos are coming out of the St. Regis resort in Bora Bora.  Nicole Kidman & new hubby Keith Urban privately jetted to Tahiti Monday for their honeymoon, only to find Eva Longoria & Tony Parker staying a few feet away.  So much for privacy…. 

Pictures of the Desperate Housewives star & her basketball lover have already surfaced along with honeymoon pics of the newlyweds Kidman & Urban.  
 
Longoria & Parker’s commercial flight touched down just minutes after Kidman & Urban landed in the main port city on their private Gulfstream jet from Australia.

The several high-profile guests have sent the Bora Bora resort into a code-orange like security mode, with staff on jet skis patrolling the perimeter regularly. 

Nicole & Keith have preferred to keep tucked away in their bungalow, which is equipped with a Jacuzzi & private pool while Eva & Tony have spent their time cruising around the island via golf carts. 

What a life.  I think I need to be whisked away to Bora Bora this weekend….

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