Everyone has secrets - and celebrities more so. In the newest issue of GQ, you can take a peek into Nicole Kidman's head as she shares tidbits about her life. Also, she says this is the last time she would say anything about her life with ex-husband Tom Cruise. I say she's much better off now, anyway.

I am pretty sure that wife Katie and daughter Suri would disagree, but a co-star of Tom Cruise has said the words. Bronson Pinchot (who's he?), of Perfect Strangers fame, says that Tom Cruise is "the biggest bore." Okay, are we missing something here?

According to Brad Pitt's rep, it is "inaccurate." He says that Brad has not even seen the movie. (That should tell you something about how he feels about Tom Cruise, yes?)

If you ask the writers of Stern, a German magazine, however, Brad Pitt did call Tom Cruise's movie "ridiculous." So which is which? Maybe something was lost in translation. Then again, Brad has said before that he "resents" Tom Cruise. If anything, with how their careers are at the moment, I think it should be the other way around!

Connor Cruise practically grew up on movie sets — what do you expect with parents like Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise? But now he’s not just a Hollywood brat hanging out in the trailer while Mom finishes her scene. He’s in a movie on his own, debuting in the Will Smith Drama, Seven Pounds.

Exclaimed Will Smith who has been increasingly rumored to be a Scientologist.

“I am a Christian, I am a student of all religions. And I respect all people and all paths.” He insisted after a magazine reported that he was allegedly more active with the contoversial “religion”

Amen to that. It would be such a shame if Will became as annoyingly weird as the TomKat.

You can say what you like about Tom Cruise – his nutty sofa antics, strange marriage, fervent beliefs etc, but when it comes to parenting, all evidence points to the fact that Tom has been doing a pretty decent job as a parent.  And its not just to mini-paparazzi darling Suri. Don’t forget that Tom has two adopted kids with ex Nicole Kidman, Connor and Isabella, now entering their teens.

Nick, on the other hand, has been getting the bad rap when it comes to parenting, with numerous reports saying things like Nicole has a “strained” relationship with her kids, doesn’t spend enough time with the, and worst, they don’t even call her “Mum”.

Tom Cruise has a video out preaching the benefits of Scientology — complete with the theme of “Mission Impossible” playing in the background.

In the videos, Cruise says it’s the responsibility of Scientologists to “educate, to create that new reality” and “bring peace and unite cultures” because they’re the only ones “that can really help.” He talks about how the religion changed his life, how “there is nothing better than going out there and fighting the fight.”

Tom, honey? We don’t really want to hear that. You do your thing and let the rest of the world do ours, and just do what you do best — smile for the camera and wave.   Otherwise you’ll have people spreading rumors that you’ve gone nuts — including hoiw your daughter with Katie Holmes was conceived using frozen sperm of Scientology founder, Ron Hubbard.   

Katie Holmes has spoken out in the latest edition of Vanity Fair.  Along with the first photographs of her & Tom Cruise’s daughter Suri, Holmes has revealed to the publication how the media made her feel during the much-covered pregnancy & after.

The October edition of Vanity Fair features the first printed photos of five-month-old Suri, as posted yesterday, and also gives us a glimpse into the mind of Kate.

The 27-year-old tells Vanity that the gossip surrounding her family, “eats away at me because it’s just not okay… Some of the crap that’s out there–the stuff that’s said about my parents and my siblings (implying that they didn’t approve of her relationship with Cruise)–it’s really frustrating the amount of s**t that’s out there.

“And the stuff they say about Suri? You shouldn’t say that about us, and you can’t say that about my child.”

Holmes stated that the reason she even reads tabloids is because, “This is my future. This is my family, and I care so much about them.

“To see how someone as caring and good as Tom is–to see how things just get so twisted and turned around. I mean, where does it come from?”

I’m not sure, but I think that’s a pretty silly reason to read what’s out there- from bifurcated tails to faking pregnancies.

When Katie was pregnant with Suri, she said she was humiliated by the media stating, ” (I) was overjoyed being pregnant, and then had to withstand ridicule about my pregnancy when it was the most normal, non-controversial thing imaginable.”

Poor Katie.  But I have to say, she asked for it when she got with the craziest loon in Hollywood, the Cruisester.

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Interestingly, this two-year deal will give Cruise less than the $3 million per year that he turned down from Paramount to renew his contract which expires this Thursday.

Poor old, crazy Tom.  Well, at least he found a new home, even though he is a sexist.

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Miami Vice

Irish actor Colin is up & about promoting his latest movie Miami Vice & the actor took the opportunity to remind Today host Matt Lauer of his headache interview with Tom Cruise last year.

When Cruise appeared on the Today show in June last year he was promoting War of the Worlds.  Lauer debated with Cruise over his zany Scientology beliefs as well as his stance on psychiatry and prescription medication.

During the verbal battle, Cruise hit Lauer with, “You don’t know the history of psychiatry. I do… You’re glib.”

On the show yesterday, Farrell made light of Tom by saying, “Stop being glib, Matt! You’re glib, Matt, you’re glib, you’re glib.”

As Lauer was trying to maintain a straight face, Farrell added, “Are you being glib again?”

Just hours later Colin yet again had the Cruise on his mind when he made an appearance on Live with Regis & Kelly.  When returning from a commercial break, the cameras find Farrell glad-handling the audience just as Cruise does while doing his lengthy red carpet walks.

Farrell told hosts Regis Philbin and Kelly Ripa, “Doing my best Tom Cruise impersonation.”

OK.  I agree whole-heartedly that Tom Cruise lacks a few marbles, but I’m not sure it’s healthy to have him on your mind that much during the day- unless he’s your lover or something.

Poor Colin.  Someone get him some more porn.

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King of Queens TV actress Leah Remini denies reports that pals Tom Cruise & Katie, I mean Kate, Holmes are trying to keep baby Suri from the eyes of the media.

Apparently fellow Scientologist Remini has already seen the horned child of satan & she insists that Cruise & Holmes’ daughter is a sight to behold.

Remini says, “Tom and Kate want to have a life and raise their baby. They’re normal parents.”

I’m telling you, it’s that bifurcated tail….

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The “Trapped in the Closet” episode was pulled from the Comedy Central schedule at the last minute in May & fingers pointed at Tom Cruise being the source of the trouble.  Creators Trey Parker & Matt Stone were furious with Comedy Central for pulling the show & this rescheduling may be an attempt by the cable network to make amends. 

Parker & Stone were told the episode was pulled because whineypants Cruise was unhappy with the subject matter.  Cruise’s representatives have since repeatedly denied any responsibility in pulling the South Park episode, the same episode which prompted Scientologist Isaac Hayes, the voice of Chef, to leave the show.

Stone insists that the wool is not over his eyes saying, “I only know what we were told, that people involved with Mission: Impossible 3 wanted the episode off the air and that is why Comedy Central had to do it.

“I don’t know why else it would have been pulled.”

Well, it’s good to know that at least the show is finally being broadcast.  What to Tivo July 19:  Cruise trapped in his own closet of hilarity.

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Zany Scientologist Tom Cruise & Katie, I mean Kate, Holmes refuse to be rushed over the unveiling of the Satan child, I mean, their baby daughter Suri. 

The Hollywood couple feel the pressure of the media to release photographs of the 12-week-old girl, but will release photos of the invisible baby when they feel good & ready.

We are all becoming more suspicious by the day & with the not-really-standard birth certificate obtained by TMZ.com, our heads are hurting from all the scratching & wondering.  

Even US Weekly, in their oh-so-cute fashion, have a clock ticking off the days since Suri’s birth on April 18 to indicate how this child probably doesn’t exist or looks just like L. Ron Hubbard & the Church of Scientology is scared stiff to release those images to the public at large.   

Cruise & Holmes’ spokesperson Arnold Robinson recently stated, ”If and when they do make a decision, it will be at their discretion and not anybody else’s.”

Which really means to me that the child does have a bifurcated tail & horns.

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Even good pals & fellow scientologists John Travolta, Kelly Preston or Lisa Marie Presley have yet to see the young tyke.  According to a source, friends Will & Jada Pinkett Smith have not seen the fruit of Cruise’s loins, despite many a call to the Crusie / Holmes household.

The source states, “Every time, it’s a different excuse: He’s busy or Kate’s not feeling well.  [The Smiths] think it’s so weird.”

Right after Suri was born, the photo agency WireImage stated that it would be offering photographs of Suri for auction.  Just days later, on May 11, the photo agency declared, “the baby shoot is on hold for now. There is no additional info as to when this may happen or if it will even happen at all.”
 
I’m still convinced we haven’t seen the girl child Suri because she has red horns on her head & a bifurcated tail. 

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Zany Xenu Scientologist Tom Cruise has recently revealed that he wants to keep Katie, I mean Kate, Holmes fat forever.  The Hollywood star said he is planning on having nine more kids with fiancee Holmes.   

Cruise welcomed the arrival of his first biological daughter Suri (although there are no photos to confirm this phenomenon) in April & is super-excited to tell us all what a happy Father’s Day he had with his new arrival & with adopted children Conner & Isabella, from his previous marriage to Nicole Kidman.  

Cruise enlightened us by saying, “I always wanted to be a father. I remember my whole life, I wanted to be a father. So I’m hoping maybe I have 10 children.

“It was the best Father’s Day.”

I wonder what Katie, I mean Kate, has to say about all these imagined kids.  Oh yeah, I guess she can’t do too much objecting with those restraining ropes & telepathic brain washing waves going on all the time…

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Holmes has been sticking to her strict diet designed by Buff Brides owner Sue Fleming as well as her excessive exercise regime on top of trying to keep up with baby Suri.  Health experts have slammed the actress’ fanatical drive to slim down, saying that loosing weight should be done more leisurely.

A “friend” tells the Daily Star, “Katie has embarked on a hardcore fitness regime and does 200 sit-ups a day, combined with two hours of cardio work before pilates.

“She has eaten healthily since giving birth but now her friends are worried she has dropped two dress sizes in too short a period of time.

“She is rushing around all of the time and is on hand for the baby 24 hours a day.

“Her weight is just rapidly falling off. It can’t be good and has got to be very stressful.”

I guess now that Katie, I mean Kate, is loaded she’s anxious to get the ball rolling with Tom Cruise & get her bod back before the wedding.  But I can’t help but feel that there’s a Scientologist waving a punishing whip at Holmes until the daily physical rituals are done.

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Scientologist Tom Cruise has sent a little congratulations to fellow father Brad Pitt.  In the congrats card, Cruise wrote,  ”Congratulations! You’re doing a fine job following in my footsteps!”

Hmmm….  So Brad Pitt has hypnotized Angelina Jolie into believing that aliens are living inside our very souls & keeps her tied up at night?  Interesting……

Cruise & Pitt worked together in the 1994 movie Interview with the Vampire & have been amicable ever since.  Cruise has playfully accused Shiloh’s daddy of starting a family so he can keep up with Cruise’s new life with fiancee Katie, I mean Kate, Holmes & baby daughter Suri.  ‘Cause you know, everything revolves around the Cruise.  I hear he’s even starting his own orbit.

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The new racing team, dubbed ‘Ignite Your Potential’ (barf!), will tour the NASCAR circuit with driver Kenton Gray.  Thankfully a Dianetics, inspired by the book written by founder L. Ron Hubbard, Racing Website is being set up for fans.  Whew!  I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to share in this new Scientology glory. 

Driver Gray credits Hubbard’s work with making him a good driver saying, “It’s markedly improved my focus and my consistency.  Through ‘Dianetics’ I’ve handled stress and increased my performance and ability to compete—both on the track and in life.”

An unidentified source stated the reason behind the NASCAR move by stating, “Scientology makes a point of recruiting celebrities as a part of it’s marketing appeal.  If this is another marketing appeal — reaching out to the NASCAR crowd — it’s brilliant.”

Yep, aliens & demons usually are pretty smart cats.

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Scientologist Tom Cruise & his fiancee Katie Holmes have asked American Idol runner-up Katharine McPhee to sing at their wedding. 

Holmes apparently met McPhee at the Los Angeles Church of Scientology (boo!), where the singer was taking courses with her boyfriend (double boo!).  After meeting Katharine, Katie became a fan of the singer & when McPhee lost the Idol crown to Taylor Hicks last week, the couple got in touch and requested her to perform at their wedding ceremony.  

A close friend stated, “Tom and Katie have become Katharine’s biggest fans. They think she’s destined to become a singing legend.”

Tom & Katie are not the only ones showing interest, reportedly Steven Spielberg has set a meeting with McPhee to talk about her future as an actress. 

You know, it’s nice that there are American Idols out there that help boost the talented people to stardom.  It just sucks when the screw it all up with that damn Scientology bit.

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Tom Cruise has lost.  What has he lost?  Well- his dignity, his mind, Nicole Kidman is no longer a Scientologist and Katie, I mean Kate, Holmes looks a little blue these days.  But Mr. Cruise has also lost his battle to stop a certain episode of South Park from being shown in the UK.

The “Trapped in a Closet” episode mocks Scientology beliefs and shows a cartoony version of Cruise who locks himself in Stan’s closet while under the impression that the born again L. Ron Hubbard sees him as a failure. 

On Monday the much-fought-over episode was shown at London’s National Film Theatre.  The show was originally take off the air by British TV network Channel 4 in January due to complaints.

An event planner stated, “If we were charging there may have been legal problems, but it was a free event, so it should be fine.” 
 
During the free screening at the theatre, creators Matt Stone & Trey Parker gave a brief talk about free speech and handed out free copies of “Trapped in a Closet”.

I like the way Matt & Trey work it.  Destroy & humiliate your enemy through open discussion and information, and then pass out the copies in the millions.

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Vaughn praised Aniston by saying ”Jennifer’s great. She’s one of my favorite people.”

To which Oprah replied, “She’s one of mine, too.”

Vaughn pressed on with, ”Jennifer’s great. She’s just really smart and funny and easy to be with – very considerate. She’s great.”

And then Tom Cruise entered stage left and started jumping on couches saying, “Xenu be praised, I love Jennifer too!”

When Oprah questioned Vince on the possibility of children he stated, ”I think (having children) takes a lot of focus, takes a lot of attention. I think it would be nice at some point to have a different priority. I think that time would come.  But not any time in the near future for me. No, I have not talked about having kids with Jennifer.”

And chiding reports of their lavish wedding paid for by Oprah, Vince commented, “First we have to have the $8 million wedding.”

If it came down to a mud wrestling match who would win:  Vince Vaughn, Oprah Winfrey or Tom Cruise?  I’m going to have to go with the Oprah, ever since The Color Purple, I knew she could pack a punch like nobody’s business. 

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In a recent interview with Good Housekeeping, Cruise said his adopted Bella approved of Holmes right from the start.   

“After I began dating Kate, Bella looked at me and said, ‘Don’t let this one go. She’s the one.’”

That’s pretty sweet and what you would really want to hear from your child about a potential new mate, but doesn’t it kinda sound like the 13-year-old has seen Casablanca too many times?

Cruise went on to reveal that he was smitten with Holmes early in their relationship, “I knew almost as soon as I met her. I thought, ‘I’m going to be with this woman.’ And then after a couple of hours, I thought, ‘I’m going to marry this woman.’ I just knew.

He just knew.  He just knew who he was brainwashing next he means. 

In other Cruise news, rumors have circulated that pal Jamie Foxx will be godfather to baby Suri.  Foxx denies and stomps on this rumor saying, “It’s a rumor. I did give them a nice basket to congratulate them but I’m not Suri’s godfather.”

And that wraps up the Cruise / Holmes Roundup Update.

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Nicole Kidman is still under the influence of Tom Cruise.  Kidman tells Ladies Home Journal, issue hitting stands tomorrow, that she’s still smitten with the Mission:  Impossible star.  The couple officially split in 2000, while Kidman was pregnant and who subsequently had a miscarriage.  

Tom is now engaged to marry Katie, I mean Kate, Holmes & Nicole is engaged to country singer Keith Urban.  But while Kidman has moved beyond her life with Cruise, she tells the Journal she still has feelings for the Scientologist.

“He was huge; still is. To me, he was just Tom, this lovely man, but to everybody else, he is huge. But he was lovely to me. And I loved him. I still love him.”

Nicole Kidman has always been very quiet & reserved regarding her split with Cruise.  In one of the most revealing statements she says, “I knew I was going to get hit by something, but I think a divorce, and the demise of what your family is, is a little like a death in itself.” 

Kidman is very careful these days who she lets into her life these days.  I guess I would be too if I was escaping a Scientology marriage.

She says,  “I surround myself with truthful, kind people, most of whom are not in the business,” she says. “It’s the life I want to have when I’m an old woman with long gray hair.”
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Top Ten Reasons Why Britney Spears Did Not Show Up For Thursday’s Press Conference:

• #10:  Britney was in a battle with DCFS to get baby Sean back
• #9:  Britney lost the DCFS battle & jumped over a Louisiana bridge
• #8:  Britney went back to her home planet Krypton to get away from it all
• #7:  Britney was kidnapped by Tom Cruise & is currently in isolation listening to Scientology brainwashing tapes
• #6:  Britney came to her senses, filed for divorce from Kevin Federline, hired a jet, flew to Belize, married a native & lived happily ever after
• #5:  Britney Spears is really John Stewart and she / he had a show to do last night
• #4:  Britney was eaten by K-Fed who belched afterward saying it was the best whale he ever had
• #3:  Britney moonlights as a railroad engineer & had to pull an extra shift
• #2:  Britney said screw Mary Kate, Paris Hilton & Lindsay Lohan, she wants a piece of that Stavros Niarchos ass
• #1:  Osama Bin Laden got the better of her & carried her off for booty