Will Smith & Jada Pinkett Smith appear to have been witness to the Suri Cruise Holmes child, & lived to tell the tale.

The Smiths are under the impression that the 3-month-old baby is “gorgeous” & that Holmes is an exceptional mother.   

Pinkett Smith says, “She’s one of the sweetest babies I’ve ever met in my life. She’s an absolute beauty and she’s Daddy’s little girl.

“She’s beautiful and they’re very happy and they need to be left alone.

“She’s the cutest little baby. She’s got a head full of black, beautiful hair.”

Of Katie’s, I mean Kate’s, mothering she says, “She is a great mom and she’s loving every single second of it.”

Well, they lived to tell the Suri tale & that’s good enough for me.  I’m just ready for photographic proof myself.

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Miami Vice actor & a vice-lover himself, Colin Farrell doesn't seem to hold much respect for his Minority Report co-actor Tom Cruise.  Yesterday on TV shows Today & Live with Regis & Kelly Farrell tried his hand at a Cruise impersonation & made light of Tom's fervent glibness.

Irish actor Colin is up & about promoting his latest movie Miami Vice & the actor took the opportunity to remind Today host Matt Lauer of his headache interview with Tom Cruise last year.

When Cruise appeared on the Today show in June last year he was promoting War of the Worlds.  Lauer debated with Cruise over his zany Scientology beliefs as well as his stance on psychiatry and prescription medication.

During the verbal battle, Cruise hit Lauer with, "You don't know the history of psychiatry. I do... You're glib."

On the show yesterday, Farrell made light of Tom by saying, "Stop being glib, Matt! You're glib, Matt, you're glib, you're glib."

As Lauer was trying to maintain a straight face, Farrell added, "Are you being glib again?"

Just hours later Colin yet again had the Cruise on his mind when he made an appearance on Live with Regis & Kelly.  When returning from a commercial break, the cameras find Farrell glad-handling the audience just as Cruise does while doing his lengthy red carpet walks.

Farrell told hosts Regis Philbin and Kelly Ripa, "Doing my best Tom Cruise impersonation."

OK.  I agree whole-heartedly that Tom Cruise lacks a few marbles, but I'm not sure it's healthy to have him on your mind that much during the day- unless he's your lover or something.

Poor Colin.  Someone get him some more porn.

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King of Queens TV actress Leah Remini denies reports that pals Tom Cruise & Katie, I mean Kate, Holmes are trying to keep baby Suri from the eyes of the media.

Apparently fellow Scientologist Remini has already seen the horned child of satan & she insists that Cruise & Holmes' daughter is a sight to behold.

Remini says, "Tom and Kate want to have a life and raise their baby. They're normal parents."

I'm telling you, it's that bifurcated tail....

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Comedy Central has, thank the heavens, scheduled a July 19 air date for the controversial Emmy-nominated episode of South Park that ridicules & makes light of the religion Scientology & the nut we call Tom Cruise.

The "Trapped in the Closet" episode was pulled from the Comedy Central schedule at the last minute in May & fingers pointed at Tom Cruise being the source of the trouble.  Creators Trey Parker & Matt Stone were furious with Comedy Central for pulling the show & this rescheduling may be an attempt by the cable network to make amends. 

Parker & Stone were told the episode was pulled because whineypants Cruise was unhappy with the subject matter.  Cruise's representatives have since repeatedly denied any responsibility in pulling the South Park episode, the same episode which prompted Scientologist Isaac Hayes, the voice of Chef, to leave the show.

Stone insists that the wool is not over his eyes saying, "I only know what we were told, that people involved with Mission: Impossible 3 wanted the episode off the air and that is why Comedy Central had to do it.

"I don't know why else it would have been pulled."

Well, it's good to know that at least the show is finally being broadcast.  What to Tivo July 19:  Cruise trapped in his own closet of hilarity.

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Zany Scientologist Tom Cruise & Katie, I mean Kate, Holmes refuse to be rushed over the unveiling of the Satan child, I mean, their baby daughter Suri. 

The Hollywood couple feel the pressure of the media to release photographs of the 12-week-old girl, but will release photos of the invisible baby when they feel good & ready.

We are all becoming more suspicious by the day & with the not-really-standard birth certificate obtained by TMZ.com, our heads are hurting from all the scratching & wondering.  

Even US Weekly, in their oh-so-cute fashion, have a clock ticking off the days since Suri’s birth on April 18 to indicate how this child probably doesn’t exist or looks just like L. Ron Hubbard & the Church of Scientology is scared stiff to release those images to the public at large.   

Cruise & Holmes’ spokesperson Arnold Robinson recently stated, ”If and when they do make a decision, it will be at their discretion and not anybody else’s.”

Which really means to me that the child does have a bifurcated tail & horns.

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Even good pals & fellow scientologists John Travolta, Kelly Preston or Lisa Marie Presley have yet to see the young tyke.  According to a source, friends Will & Jada Pinkett Smith have not seen the fruit of Cruise’s loins, despite many a call to the Crusie / Holmes household.

The source states, “Every time, it’s a different excuse: He’s busy or Kate’s not feeling well.  [The Smiths] think it’s so weird.”

Right after Suri was born, the photo agency WireImage stated that it would be offering photographs of Suri for auction.  Just days later, on May 11, the photo agency declared, “the baby shoot is on hold for now. There is no additional info as to when this may happen or if it will even happen at all.”
 
I’m still convinced we haven’t seen the girl child Suri because she has red horns on her head & a bifurcated tail. 

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Zany Xenu Scientologist Tom Cruise has recently revealed that he wants to keep Katie, I mean Kate, Holmes fat forever.  The Hollywood star said he is planning on having nine more kids with fiancee Holmes.   

Cruise welcomed the arrival of his first biological daughter Suri (although there are no photos to confirm this phenomenon) in April & is super-excited to tell us all what a happy Father’s Day he had with his new arrival & with adopted children Conner & Isabella, from his previous marriage to Nicole Kidman.  

Cruise enlightened us by saying, “I always wanted to be a father. I remember my whole life, I wanted to be a father. So I’m hoping maybe I have 10 children.

“It was the best Father’s Day.”

I wonder what Katie, I mean Kate, has to say about all these imagined kids.  Oh yeah, I guess she can’t do too much objecting with those restraining ropes & telepathic brain washing waves going on all the time…

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Holmes has been sticking to her strict diet designed by Buff Brides owner Sue Fleming as well as her excessive exercise regime on top of trying to keep up with baby Suri.  Health experts have slammed the actress’ fanatical drive to slim down, saying that loosing weight should be done more leisurely.

A “friend” tells the Daily Star, “Katie has embarked on a hardcore fitness regime and does 200 sit-ups a day, combined with two hours of cardio work before pilates.

“She has eaten healthily since giving birth but now her friends are worried she has dropped two dress sizes in too short a period of time.

“She is rushing around all of the time and is on hand for the baby 24 hours a day.

“Her weight is just rapidly falling off. It can’t be good and has got to be very stressful.”

I guess now that Katie, I mean Kate, is loaded she’s anxious to get the ball rolling with Tom Cruise & get her bod back before the wedding.  But I can’t help but feel that there’s a Scientologist waving a punishing whip at Holmes until the daily physical rituals are done.

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Scientologist Tom Cruise has sent a little congratulations to fellow father Brad Pitt.  In the congrats card, Cruise wrote,  ”Congratulations! You’re doing a fine job following in my footsteps!”

Hmmm….  So Brad Pitt has hypnotized Angelina Jolie into believing that aliens are living inside our very souls & keeps her tied up at night?  Interesting……

Cruise & Pitt worked together in the 1994 movie Interview with the Vampire & have been amicable ever since.  Cruise has playfully accused Shiloh’s daddy of starting a family so he can keep up with Cruise’s new life with fiancee Katie, I mean Kate, Holmes & baby daughter Suri.  ‘Cause you know, everything revolves around the Cruise.  I hear he’s even starting his own orbit.

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The new racing team, dubbed ‘Ignite Your Potential’ (barf!), will tour the NASCAR circuit with driver Kenton Gray.  Thankfully a Dianetics, inspired by the book written by founder L. Ron Hubbard, Racing Website is being set up for fans.  Whew!  I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to share in this new Scientology glory. 

Driver Gray credits Hubbard’s work with making him a good driver saying, “It’s markedly improved my focus and my consistency.  Through ‘Dianetics’ I’ve handled stress and increased my performance and ability to compete—both on the track and in life.”

An unidentified source stated the reason behind the NASCAR move by stating, “Scientology makes a point of recruiting celebrities as a part of it’s marketing appeal.  If this is another marketing appeal — reaching out to the NASCAR crowd — it’s brilliant.”

Yep, aliens & demons usually are pretty smart cats.

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Scientologist Tom Cruise & his fiancee Katie Holmes have asked American Idol runner-up Katharine McPhee to sing at their wedding. 

Holmes apparently met McPhee at the Los Angeles Church of Scientology (boo!), where the singer was taking courses with her boyfriend (double boo!).  After meeting Katharine, Katie became a fan of the singer & when McPhee lost the Idol crown to Taylor Hicks last week, the couple got in touch and requested her to perform at their wedding ceremony.  

A close friend stated, “Tom and Katie have become Katharine’s biggest fans. They think she’s destined to become a singing legend.”

Tom & Katie are not the only ones showing interest, reportedly Steven Spielberg has set a meeting with McPhee to talk about her future as an actress. 

You know, it’s nice that there are American Idols out there that help boost the talented people to stardom.  It just sucks when the screw it all up with that damn Scientology bit.

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Tom Cruise has lost.  What has he lost?  Well- his dignity, his mind, Nicole Kidman is no longer a Scientologist and Katie, I mean Kate, Holmes looks a little blue these days.  But Mr. Cruise has also lost his battle to stop a certain episode of South Park from being shown in the UK.

The “Trapped in a Closet” episode mocks Scientology beliefs and shows a cartoony version of Cruise who locks himself in Stan’s closet while under the impression that the born again L. Ron Hubbard sees him as a failure. 

On Monday the much-fought-over episode was shown at London’s National Film Theatre.  The show was originally take off the air by British TV network Channel 4 in January due to complaints.

An event planner stated, “If we were charging there may have been legal problems, but it was a free event, so it should be fine.” 
 
During the free screening at the theatre, creators Matt Stone & Trey Parker gave a brief talk about free speech and handed out free copies of “Trapped in a Closet”.

I like the way Matt & Trey work it.  Destroy & humiliate your enemy through open discussion and information, and then pass out the copies in the millions.

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Vaughn praised Aniston by saying ”Jennifer’s great. She’s one of my favorite people.”

To which Oprah replied, “She’s one of mine, too.”

Vaughn pressed on with, ”Jennifer’s great. She’s just really smart and funny and easy to be with – very considerate. She’s great.”

And then Tom Cruise entered stage left and started jumping on couches saying, “Xenu be praised, I love Jennifer too!”

When Oprah questioned Vince on the possibility of children he stated, ”I think (having children) takes a lot of focus, takes a lot of attention. I think it would be nice at some point to have a different priority. I think that time would come.  But not any time in the near future for me. No, I have not talked about having kids with Jennifer.”

And chiding reports of their lavish wedding paid for by Oprah, Vince commented, “First we have to have the $8 million wedding.”

If it came down to a mud wrestling match who would win:  Vince Vaughn, Oprah Winfrey or Tom Cruise?  I’m going to have to go with the Oprah, ever since The Color Purple, I knew she could pack a punch like nobody’s business. 

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In a recent interview with Good Housekeeping, Cruise said his adopted Bella approved of Holmes right from the start.   

“After I began dating Kate, Bella looked at me and said, ‘Don’t let this one go. She’s the one.’”

That’s pretty sweet and what you would really want to hear from your child about a potential new mate, but doesn’t it kinda sound like the 13-year-old has seen Casablanca too many times?

Cruise went on to reveal that he was smitten with Holmes early in their relationship, “I knew almost as soon as I met her. I thought, ‘I’m going to be with this woman.’ And then after a couple of hours, I thought, ‘I’m going to marry this woman.’ I just knew.

He just knew.  He just knew who he was brainwashing next he means. 

In other Cruise news, rumors have circulated that pal Jamie Foxx will be godfather to baby Suri.  Foxx denies and stomps on this rumor saying, “It’s a rumor. I did give them a nice basket to congratulate them but I’m not Suri’s godfather.”

And that wraps up the Cruise / Holmes Roundup Update.

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Nicole Kidman is still under the influence of Tom Cruise.  Kidman tells Ladies Home Journal, issue hitting stands tomorrow, that she’s still smitten with the Mission:  Impossible star.  The couple officially split in 2000, while Kidman was pregnant and who subsequently had a miscarriage.  

Tom is now engaged to marry Katie, I mean Kate, Holmes & Nicole is engaged to country singer Keith Urban.  But while Kidman has moved beyond her life with Cruise, she tells the Journal she still has feelings for the Scientologist.

“He was huge; still is. To me, he was just Tom, this lovely man, but to everybody else, he is huge. But he was lovely to me. And I loved him. I still love him.”

Nicole Kidman has always been very quiet & reserved regarding her split with Cruise.  In one of the most revealing statements she says, “I knew I was going to get hit by something, but I think a divorce, and the demise of what your family is, is a little like a death in itself.” 

Kidman is very careful these days who she lets into her life these days.  I guess I would be too if I was escaping a Scientology marriage.

She says,  “I surround myself with truthful, kind people, most of whom are not in the business,” she says. “It’s the life I want to have when I’m an old woman with long gray hair.”
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Top Ten Reasons Why Britney Spears Did Not Show Up For Thursday’s Press Conference:

• #10:  Britney was in a battle with DCFS to get baby Sean back
• #9:  Britney lost the DCFS battle & jumped over a Louisiana bridge
• #8:  Britney went back to her home planet Krypton to get away from it all
• #7:  Britney was kidnapped by Tom Cruise & is currently in isolation listening to Scientology brainwashing tapes
• #6:  Britney came to her senses, filed for divorce from Kevin Federline, hired a jet, flew to Belize, married a native & lived happily ever after
• #5:  Britney Spears is really John Stewart and she / he had a show to do last night
• #4:  Britney was eaten by K-Fed who belched afterward saying it was the best whale he ever had
• #3:  Britney moonlights as a railroad engineer & had to pull an extra shift
• #2:  Britney said screw Mary Kate, Paris Hilton & Lindsay Lohan, she wants a piece of that Stavros Niarchos ass
• #1:  Osama Bin Laden got the better of her & carried her off for booty

New daddy Cruise has faced criticism worldwide for his staunch beliefs and recently received a backlash due to his non-certified ultrasound machine use.  There have been rumors & speculations that Tom tries to convert everyone he knows to Scientology, and specifically on the movie set. 

But Mission:  Impossible 3 co-star Michelle Monaghan insists that Tom Cruise’s zany beliefs do not play into his professional life.

She says, “He didn’t give me any Scientology advice and I never got any Scientology questions from him either.

“Should I hand him out books on Catholicism? I don’t know.

“I enjoyed every single minute of working with him. He’s such a complete professional and he couldn’t have been a more patient guy.

“On top of that, he’s such a generous guy. I’ve never seen any actor I’ve worked with treat the cast and crew the way he did. He’s incredible.”

You know what I’m left thinking?  How much did it take the Church of Scientology to pay Monaghan off?

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Britney Spears is holding a press conference at the Los Angeles Convention Center today.  It’s almost been a millennium since she held her last conference, so this is kinda big, like her new look, big.  Anyone else miss the old Brit?  The attractive one with a convincing smile, not the one we see today trying to smile through the K-Fed marriage & dropped babies.

What is this press conference going to be about, Britney?  I’m thinking she either captured Osama bin Laden with her teeth in the woods; or she has converted to Scientology; or she’s finally coming to her senses and leaving her red neck husband Kevin Federline; or she’s going to reveal what everyone and their brother already know- she’s pregnant yet again, and a baby girl is on the way. 

Britney has yet to reveal why she has invited select media, journalist and record industry reps to the convention center, but one question seems to tap at my brain- will K-Fed be a part of this special Spears talk? With his new record on the loose, will he try & upstage his wife for musical attention?

“K-Fed’s the bomb now,” says a friend of the couple. “He’s the one who’s cut a record and performed in public most recently—and who doesn’t look totally gross in sweat pants. Britney’s got to do something other than drive around with her baby on her lap to get attention. I guess this ‘mysterious’ press conference is it.”

News has circulated that there may be marital problems between Britney Spears & Kevin Federline.  Reports of K-Fed’s marijuana use, compulsive spending and his practice of a hands-off theory of parenting have culminated to an unhappy marital affair.

“She can’t stand the thought of playing second banana to a guy who used to carry her [sanitary napkin] bag,” said the friend. “But whether she’s leaving Hollywood, quitting show business, or running for governor, all eyes are going to be on K-Fed if he shows up today.”

To tell you the truth, I’m hoping for the Laden in her teeth scenario.

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As reported earlier, Holmes has already met with Buff Brides owner Sue Fleming who specializes in diminishing pounds for brides in a matter of weeks.  Tom Cruise is overseeing the fitness regime since Katie, I mean Kate, can’t really do a lot of sit ups with her hands tied.  Much to the chagrin of her father, Holmes is dedicated to loosing her baby weight. 

Martin Holmes tells British magazine Reveal, “My daughter needs rest, relaxation and recuperation. Katie is already doing exercises to build up her back and shoulders and I simply can’t go along with what is happening.”

Buff Brides Sue Fleming interjects, ”Katie can and will do it. She has great motivation. She loves her fiance and was proud that Tom oversaw this program.

“He told her he wanted her to be the most beautiful bride ever. She was in tears when he said that.”

I’m pretty sure Katie, I mean Kate, was in tears because she should already be the most beautiful bride to Tom Cruise, I mean Satan.  And probably mingled with a little regret and painful chaffing skin due to the ropes on her wrist.

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Apparently the real reason why Ledger did not want to attend the Australian premier goes back to an incident in January.  Heath was squirted, Tom Cruise-style, by water pistols carried by members of the paparazzi at his Brokeback Mountain premier.

Candy producer Margaret Fink explained the actor’s nonattendance by saying, “I know Heath would want to be here, but he was put off by those jerks behaving so appallingly at the Brokeback Mountain premiere.

“Why would he want to come out here when people behave like that towards him? He was quite rightly infuriated.”

What a goof, that Heath Ledger.  I love a good confrontation.  Why snub the Candy premier when you can play with the paparazzi.  I’m no Tom Cruise lover but I did like the way he handled that whole War of the Worlds water gun thing in London:

“Why would you do that?  Do you like thinking less of people, is that it?  Don’t run away. That’s incredibly rude. I’m here giving you an interview and you do that … it’s incredibly rude.  You’re a jerk.”

One shining moment for the Cruise, I have to give him that one.

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Tom Cruise

Cruise states, “I changed her first. I change diapers all the time. I have to tell you, I love it. We have a whole system worked out. It’s the ‘B and B’–she does the breast-feeding and I do the burping and changing the diapers. It’s teamwork. It’s fun.”

Scientologist Tom Cruise is going back & forth from Europe to the US so that he can be with Katie & Suri as much as possible. Cruise worried about embarking on his European promo tour & leaving the ladies behind.

“My own ‘Mission: Impossible’ was getting here. That was the Mission Impossible. Because it kept going back and forth,” Cruise said.

“I wasn’t going to come and then Kate said, you know, ‘Go. Go.’ … So I’m here. And I’ll be here for a few hours and then I’ll get back on an airplane and go back home to Kate and Suri.”

Talk about jet lag. I don’t know how he does it. Must be a spaceship thing I don’t understand.

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