Will Smith & Jada Pinkett Smith appear to have been witness to the Suri Cruise Holmes child, & lived to tell the tale.

The Smiths are under the impression that the 3-month-old baby is “gorgeous” & that Holmes is an exceptional mother.   

Pinkett Smith says, “She’s one of the sweetest babies I’ve ever met in my life. She’s an absolute beauty and she’s Daddy’s little girl.

“She’s beautiful and they’re very happy and they need to be left alone.

“She’s the cutest little baby. She’s got a head full of black, beautiful hair.”

Of Katie’s, I mean Kate’s, mothering she says, “She is a great mom and she’s loving every single second of it.”

Well, they lived to tell the Suri tale & that’s good enough for me.  I’m just ready for photographic proof myself.

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Miami Vice

Irish actor Colin is up & about promoting his latest movie Miami Vice & the actor took the opportunity to remind Today host Matt Lauer of his headache interview with Tom Cruise last year.

When Cruise appeared on the Today show in June last year he was promoting War of the Worlds.  Lauer debated with Cruise over his zany Scientology beliefs as well as his stance on psychiatry and prescription medication.

During the verbal battle, Cruise hit Lauer with, “You don’t know the history of psychiatry. I do… You’re glib.”

On the show yesterday, Farrell made light of Tom by saying, “Stop being glib, Matt! You’re glib, Matt, you’re glib, you’re glib.”

As Lauer was trying to maintain a straight face, Farrell added, “Are you being glib again?”

Just hours later Colin yet again had the Cruise on his mind when he made an appearance on Live with Regis & Kelly.  When returning from a commercial break, the cameras find Farrell glad-handling the audience just as Cruise does while doing his lengthy red carpet walks.

Farrell told hosts Regis Philbin and Kelly Ripa, “Doing my best Tom Cruise impersonation.”

OK.  I agree whole-heartedly that Tom Cruise lacks a few marbles, but I’m not sure it’s healthy to have him on your mind that much during the day- unless he’s your lover or something.

Poor Colin.  Someone get him some more porn.

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King of Queens TV actress Leah Remini denies reports that pals Tom Cruise & Katie, I mean Kate, Holmes are trying to keep baby Suri from the eyes of the media.

Apparently fellow Scientologist Remini has already seen the horned child of satan & she insists that Cruise & Holmes’ daughter is a sight to behold.

Remini says, “Tom and Kate want to have a life and raise their baby. They’re normal parents.”

I’m telling you, it’s that bifurcated tail….

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The “Trapped in the Closet” episode was pulled from the Comedy Central schedule at the last minute in May & fingers pointed at Tom Cruise being the source of the trouble.  Creators Trey Parker & Matt Stone were furious with Comedy Central for pulling the show & this rescheduling may be an attempt by the cable network to make amends. 

Parker & Stone were told the episode was pulled because whineypants Cruise was unhappy with the subject matter.  Cruise’s representatives have since repeatedly denied any responsibility in pulling the South Park episode, the same episode which prompted Scientologist Isaac Hayes, the voice of Chef, to leave the show.

Stone insists that the wool is not over his eyes saying, “I only know what we were told, that people involved with Mission: Impossible 3 wanted the episode off the air and that is why Comedy Central had to do it.

“I don’t know why else it would have been pulled.”

Well, it’s good to know that at least the show is finally being broadcast.  What to Tivo July 19:  Cruise trapped in his own closet of hilarity.

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Zany Scientologist Tom Cruise & Katie, I mean Kate, Holmes refuse to be rushed over the unveiling of the Satan child, I mean, their baby daughter Suri. 

The Hollywood couple feel the pressure of the media to release photographs of the 12-week-old girl, but will release photos of the invisible baby when they feel good & ready.

We are all becoming more suspicious by the day & with the not-really-standard birth certificate obtained by TMZ.com, our heads are hurting from all the scratching & wondering.  

Even US Weekly, in their oh-so-cute fashion, have a clock ticking off the days since Suri’s birth on April 18 to indicate how this child probably doesn’t exist or looks just like L. Ron Hubbard & the Church of Scientology is scared stiff to release those images to the public at large.   

Cruise & Holmes’ spokesperson Arnold Robinson recently stated, ”If and when they do make a decision, it will be at their discretion and not anybody else’s.”

Which really means to me that the child does have a bifurcated tail & horns.

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Even good pals & fellow scientologists John Travolta, Kelly Preston or Lisa Marie Presley have yet to see the young tyke.  According to a source, friends Will & Jada Pinkett Smith have not seen the fruit of Cruise’s loins, despite many a call to the Crusie / Holmes household.

The source states, “Every time, it’s a different excuse: He’s busy or Kate’s not feeling well.  [The Smiths] think it’s so weird.”

Right after Suri was born, the photo agency WireImage stated that it would be offering photographs of Suri for auction.  Just days later, on May 11, the photo agency declared, “the baby shoot is on hold for now. There is no additional info as to when this may happen or if it will even happen at all.”
 
I’m still convinced we haven’t seen the girl child Suri because she has red horns on her head & a bifurcated tail. 

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Zany Xenu Scientologist Tom Cruise has recently revealed that he wants to keep Katie, I mean Kate, Holmes fat forever.  The Hollywood star said he is planning on having nine more kids with fiancee Holmes.   

Cruise welcomed the arrival of his first biological daughter Suri (although there are no photos to confirm this phenomenon) in April & is super-excited to tell us all what a happy Father’s Day he had with his new arrival & with adopted children Conner & Isabella, from his previous marriage to Nicole Kidman.  

Cruise enlightened us by saying, “I always wanted to be a father. I remember my whole life, I wanted to be a father. So I’m hoping maybe I have 10 children.

“It was the best Father’s Day.”

I wonder what Katie, I mean Kate, has to say about all these imagined kids.  Oh yeah, I guess she can’t do too much objecting with those restraining ropes & telepathic brain washing waves going on all the time…

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Holmes has been sticking to her strict diet designed by Buff Brides owner Sue Fleming as well as her excessive exercise regime on top of trying to keep up with baby Suri.  Health experts have slammed the actress’ fanatical drive to slim down, saying that loosing weight should be done more leisurely.

A “friend” tells the Daily Star, “Katie has embarked on a hardcore fitness regime and does 200 sit-ups a day, combined with two hours of cardio work before pilates.

“She has eaten healthily since giving birth but now her friends are worried she has dropped two dress sizes in too short a period of time.

“She is rushing around all of the time and is on hand for the baby 24 hours a day.

“Her weight is just rapidly falling off. It can’t be good and has got to be very stressful.”

I guess now that Katie, I mean Kate, is loaded she’s anxious to get the ball rolling with Tom Cruise & get her bod back before the wedding.  But I can’t help but feel that there’s a Scientologist waving a punishing whip at Holmes until the daily physical rituals are done.

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Scientologist Tom Cruise has sent a little congratulations to fellow father Brad Pitt.  In the congrats card, Cruise wrote,  ”Congratulations! You’re doing a fine job following in my footsteps!”

Hmmm….  So Brad Pitt has hypnotized Angelina Jolie into believing that aliens are living inside our very souls & keeps her tied up at night?  Interesting……

Cruise & Pitt worked together in the 1994 movie Interview with the Vampire & have been amicable ever since.  Cruise has playfully accused Shiloh’s daddy of starting a family so he can keep up with Cruise’s new life with fiancee Katie, I mean Kate, Holmes & baby daughter Suri.  ‘Cause you know, everything revolves around the Cruise.  I hear he’s even starting his own orbit.

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The new racing team, dubbed ‘Ignite Your Potential’ (barf!), will tour the NASCAR circuit with driver Kenton Gray.  Thankfully a Dianetics, inspired by the book written by founder L. Ron Hubbard, Racing Website is being set up for fans.  Whew!  I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to share in this new Scientology glory. 

Driver Gray credits Hubbard’s work with making him a good driver saying, “It’s markedly improved my focus and my consistency.  Through ‘Dianetics’ I’ve handled stress and increased my performance and ability to compete—both on the track and in life.”

An unidentified source stated the reason behind the NASCAR move by stating, “Scientology makes a point of recruiting celebrities as a part of it’s marketing appeal.  If this is another marketing appeal — reaching out to the NASCAR crowd — it’s brilliant.”

Yep, aliens & demons usually are pretty smart cats.

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