Is seems like it was just yesterday that Brit was pregnant.Â Ah well, I guess we’re going to need another birthing sculpture.Â As if dropping one child repeatedly wasn’t enough, Britney Spears, 24,Â and Kevin Federline, 28,Â are expecting another child.Â Does this news in some way relate to the Brit & K-Fed ruckus this weekend & Spears skipping out on Federline’s Las Vegas debut party (pronounced ‘parte’)?Â Hmmmm…
Did the conversation go a little something like this, “Listen babe, I love you.Â What I mean to say is that I love your tight ass, which isn’t looking so tight these days by the way, and I love your retail value.Â But damn, girl.Â I can’t help it if I’m a fertile son-of-a-bitch.Â I can just walk by a woman and get the bitch pregnant.Â I’m what you would call a walking sperm bank.Â Yeah, that’s it, a walking sperm bank.Â Damn, that’s pretty good, I’ll have to remember that one.”
“But, K, I don’t know if I want to have another baby.Â I’ve already dropped this one too many times to remember, we’ve had DCFS out to the house and I can’t even think to put baby Sean in the car seat.Â What are we going to do with a second child?Â And I need to start getting this bod back in shape for MTV, not stretching it back outÂ again for another red neck child.Â I just don’t know.Â Maybe we need some time apart.Â Yes, that’s it, some time apart.Â Time for me to get my sanity backÂ & try to understand why I married you in the first place.”
“Listen bitch, our situation is different. I ain’t gettin’ no divorce. F%$k that! I don’t believe in that shit. Once you get married, you’re in it for the fight. Nick and Jessica did their whole thing together. They really blew up together on that show. They deserve whatever they get and you deserve whatever you get, Brit.Â Is that what you want, to fight?Â ‘Cause I’m ready for that shit, Brit.Â You bring it on, girl.”
“I’m going back to the hotel, enjoy your stupid little debut party.Â By the way, the critics are right.Â You really do suck.”
I think it went exactly that way.
This will be the second child for Britney Spears and husband Kevin Federline.Â The couple, who have been married since late 2004, have a seven-month-old boy, Sean.Â Federline has two children from a previous relationship with Moesha star Shar Jackson, whom he ran out on while she was six months pregnant.Â What a hottie.
All I can say is that I hope Britney Spears comes to her senses and soon, K-Fed is an irksome fungus swallowing the poor girl into redneckness.
It’s a happenin’ place, Namibia these days. Angelina Jolie & Brad Pitt have turned the spotlight on the African country. Jolie recently threatened to leave Namibia, however, where she plans on giving birth to her & Brad Pitt’s child, if the couple does not receive any privacy from the press.
In a statement delivered by Jolie henchman Mickey Brett, the Jolie-Pitt family pleads for privacy. “We love Africa and to be here in Namibia with our family is very special for us. To the local people who have been so kind and gracious, thank you for making us feel at home. As for the press, we kindly ask for privacy so we can be free to enjoy this beautiful county with our children. Angelina Jolie & Brad Pitt.” It think they forgot to put in, “If you don’t leave us be bitches, I’m going to release the bloody hound Mickey Brett and it’s not going to be pretty, I can tell you that much.”
Hmmm, so do Jolie & Pitt think the press will just pack up and leave after that moving statement? I wish the J-P fam solitude, but I fear it may be in vain. Or maybe not. Three French photographers were ordered to leave Namibia this week or face arrest. Others, including a Sunday Times photographer, have been issued statements that they are “prohibited / illegal” immigrants and have been given 48 hours to pack up, or face arrest themselves.
So, it looks like Namibia is trying to help Angelina Jolie & Brad Pitt out by ousting the bad eggs. Namibian Prime Minister Nahas Angula has been a strong supporter of the J-P fam and has defended their right for privacy. He disagreed with the “public figure in a public place” principle saying, “They are not public people in the sense that are elected persons. An elected person has got a responsibility to the public, but someone who has a talent to be a good film star, that person is entitled to peace of mind like everyone else.”
“If that person says they don’t want to be photographed then, of course, that person deserves protection.” And isn’t that what nice boy Mickey Brett has been doing?
Sounds like some sucking up going on “a talent to be a good film star,” a little bit of Indecent Proposal on your mind, Minister. I do wonder, what about those other famous celebs that visit Namibia, do they have to qualify as a good film star to receive some peace & quiet?
Despite their need for seclusion, the J-P fam has taken in the sights. They made it to Walvis Bay to feast on some local cuisine at a queer hole-in-the-wall restaurant called Kentucky Fried Chicken. Angelina Jolie & Brad Pitt have been spotted coming out of a jewelry store & at a pet shop where they were shopping for a turtle for Maddox. The celebrity couple also posed for a private photo session amid the dunes at Swakopmud, the photographs are said to have been sold for $700,000.
Which brings us to the biggie, when are we going to get to see baby Jolie-Pitt? It looks lilke People have the answer. Who would have guessed it? Just about everyone. People magazine have purchased the exclusive rights to the first photo of Angelina Jolie & Brad Pitt’s baby. How much you ask? People will donate $3.5 million to Unicef in exchange for the sought-after pics.
Meanwhile, listeners to a Namibian radio station have urged the J-P fam to name the child ‘Naledi’ meaning ‘star’ in Setswana. The seond favorite name was ‘Katiti’ which translates to ‘little one’ in Herero and Oshiwambo. How about just naming little Jolie-Pitt ‘$3.5′. I think it has a nice ring to it.
BTW- Is that Heath Ledger holding the carboard sign?
Posted by Allison as Celebrity Babies, Pregnant Celebrities, Scientology, Tom Cruise- Only a Matter of Time Before He Kills Me at 12:27 PM UTC on Apr, 24 2006
Tom Cruise loves placentas & changing dirty diapers. What am I to learn from that about the Cruisemeister? The 43-year-old actor, who is in the middle of a whirlwind promotional tour of Europe for his new movie Mission: Impossible 3, helps his fiance Katie Holmes by changing baby Suri’s diapers. The two lovebirds have quite a system in place to help with their newborn.
Cruise states, “I changed her first. I change diapers all the time. I have to tell you, I love it. We have a whole system worked out. It’s the ‘B and B’–she does the breast-feeding and I do the burping and changing the diapers. It’s teamwork. It’s fun.”
Scientologist Tom Cruise is going back & forth from Europe to the US so that he can be with Katie & Suri as much as possible. Cruise worried about embarking on his European promo tour & leaving the ladies behind.
“My own ‘Mission: Impossible’ was getting here. That was the Mission Impossible. Because it kept going back and forth,” Cruise said.
“I wasn’t going to come and then Kate said, you know, ‘Go. Go.’ â€¦ So I’m here. And I’ll be here for a few hours and then I’ll get back on an airplane and go back home to Kate and Suri.”
Talk about jet lag. I don’t know how he does it. Must be a spaceship thing I don’t understand.
Well, it looks like Katie might already be giving baby Suri the high hat. Katie Holmes has begun making wedding plans. From the dress to getting her body back to its slim feminine self, Katie is getting ready for the Cruise / Holmes wedding day.
Holmes has met with the owner of Buff Brides, a company that sculpts bodies for the big day. Katie hopes to work on her shoulders and back so she can look stunning in her wedding gown. A source tells TMZ that Katie’s dress is a sleek strapless A-line cut straight across at the bust, form-fitted at the waist and falls to the floor. It should be a lovely affair, I wonder who will preside over the ceremony, the spirit of L. Ron?
In a related note, Nicole Kidman has congratulated Katie on her birth to Suri but made no mention of Tom Cruise in her statement released through her publicist, “I hope both mother and baby are doing well.” Which I think translates to, “Get out while you can, Katie. Get out while you can.”
Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes have their hands full these days. Planning a wedding, beginning the path of parenting as well as the new path for Katie of brainwashing, I mean Scientology. Speaking of which, it looks like Katie did indeed ask for an epidural despite the Church of Scientology’s belief in restraining from such drugs. Holmes did, however, seem to maintain a quite atmosphere during the delivery with everyone in the room staying silent and the nurses using hand signals.
Do you train for that in medical school? I guess it would be the In Case You Ever Have to Deal with Scientologists During a Delivery nursing lesson that reviews hand signals for “We may have to perform a Caesarean!” or “Is the head really suppose to look like that?”.
Tom Cruise’s finance & fellow Scientologist Katie Holmes gave birth to a baby girl last night. TomKat now has their little TomKitten. In a statement issued through Cruise’s publicist, the couple said that they “joyously welcomed” the new addition to their family.
The little girl’s name? No, not Orange, Apple or Moses, and sadly not L. Ron or Hubbard or even Xenu. Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes’ baby girl has been named Suri, a name the couple found in a book of baby names. The name translates to ‘Princess’ in Hebrew, ‘Red Rose’ in Farsi, ‘Pickpocket’ in Japanese (already a career in mind?) and ‘Will Soon Rule You’ in Scientology.
Tom’s publicist added, “Both mother and daughter are doing well.” Baby Suri is 7 pounds, 7 ounces and measures 20 inches long. Cruise has already appeared to be the overly protective father & assigned everyone in his staff & family different responsibilities in taking care if his little girl, kind of like the Mafia.
Cruise said soon after the birth, “I don’t think this kid’s going to be able to walk until they’re about 15! Feet aren’t going to touch the ground!” Either this is because so many of his loving staff & family members wish to hold the young girl, or that the Scientology spawn prefers to float & gravitate on this planet.
This is the first child for Holmes, 27, & the first biological warfare, I mean biological offspring, for Cruise, 43, who has an adopted daughter and son from his marriage with Nicole Kidman.
It’s a beautiful thing, the birth of a child. But I have only one question, how was the placenta, Tom?
A little Wednesday irony: It may be play dates for Grier Hammond Henchy and Suri Cruise, rather than Suri & Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie’s baby. A healthy little girl was born to Brooke Shields and husband Chris Henchy yesterday. The couple have named their child Grier which means ‘watchful & vigilant’ in Scottish Gaelic. Hmmm… that’s a little interesting, back to that shortly.
According to Access Hollywood the Cruise child & Shields child were born in the same hospital, on the same floor and both weighed in at 7 pounds and measured 20 inches in length. Hmmmmm….. Last year Cruise famously criticized Shields on the Today show for her use of antidepressants to battle postpartum depression and they have been battling it out ever since.
OK, now back to the interesting part. A red-rosed pickpocket princess is born that will one day rule the world and on the same day, weighing & measuring the same, another girl child is born that will be watchful & vigilant? Oh, come on! It’s Cruise VS Shields, or Scientology VS Reality or The End of the World VS Nirvana. How plain can it be? Wow! I feel like I’m a part of the Omen or Rosemary’s Baby or even Little Nicky.
I guess I should send little Grier frankincense & myrrh to get in good with her early and extend my gratitude that she will some day take on the Suri Cruise spawn.
Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes reportedly cannot agree on a location to have their child. So, it was a suitable compromise to spend $255,000 on an in-home hospital at Cruise’s Beverly Hills home. I guess it’s kind of a when-all-else-fails-buy-your-own-hospital situation, I run into those all the time.
The baby-got-birth room, as I like to call it, is stocked with a fetal monitor, ultrasound machine, intravenous pump, delivery kit (do they sell those at Walgreens?) and an infant warmer system. What about getting the raw, bloody meat ready for the Xenu child they will spawn?
Cruise has hired three Scientology medics, a midwife, a nurse and an obstetrics expert to assist Holmes. Hmmm.. let me guess, this is either all because no one is to be trusted handling little baby Xenu besides qualified Scientology “experts”, or because they don’t want us to see Katie giving birth to the basketball she’s been toting the last few weeks….. I’m going with the basketball scenario.
In a side news event, Tom Cruise has the medical experts raving and infuriated after he admitted to performing sonograms on Katie Holmes “a lot”. In the May issue of GQ Cruise admits, “I’m a filmmaker, I need to see the rushes. At first we did it a lot. I don’t know how many times, but I did not exceed FDA regulations.” What the hell is he talking about, having sex with vegetables or doing medical ultrasonography without actual qualifications?
Following Cruise’s latest revelations, the American College of Radiology perked up their ears and said, “Cruise’s claim to be qualified to perform unsupervised ultrasound exams on his fiance Katie Holmes, because he ‘read the manual’ that came with the machine is irresponsible, potentially dangerous, and may incorrectly influence others to place their unborn children at risk by performing such exams with no medical supervision.”
I’m telling you, it’s all because it’s just a damn basketball.
Let’s end with just one more Cruisism, he wants to eat Katie’s placenta: “I thought that would be good. Very nutritious. I am gonna eat the cord and the placenta right there.” Damn, what are we gonna do with that Tom?
A local governor in Namibia has confirmed that Angelina Jolie, seen here with adopted daughter Zahara at an airstrip near Namibia, & Brad Pitt will have their baby in the African country. According to The Sunday Times of South Africa, Samuel Sheefeni Nuuyoma, the governor of the Namibian province where the couple is staying, met with the stars this past Friday.
“They are having the baby here, and they talked about giving the child a Namibian name,” stated Nuuyoma. He said Jolie had made the Namibian name choice because “she loves Namibia.” Although it remains to be seen if her love will be reciprocated.
After Jolie & Pitt hired security specialist Mickey Brett to securitize their resort lodgings at the Swakopmund Hotel & Entertainment Center, locals have been threatened and chased off public beaches. According to local press reports, Mickey Brett, the same Mickey Brett who worked for Nicole Kidman and was arrested and later released following the 1993 murder of a millionaire tycoon in London, has closed off roads around the Swakopmund resort and chased local children from nearby public beaches.
Brett has also threatened reporters and photographers with physical violence. Here he is now, “If I find anyone gettin’ a picture of Jolie, I will fu@*ing smash someone to pieces. I’m not joking. I’ll fu#$ing put someone in hospital. Tell your friends.” Wow, what a catch. What’s he like on a date?
Jolie & Pitt are expected to be in Namibia for the next six weeks, if they are not carted off and thrown into the Atlantic Ocean by locals first. One Namibian resident states, “I sympathize with Brad Pitt and Angelina because they do want privacy, but on the other hand they are public figures and there is a lot of interest in their visit. From what I hear they are nice people but their security guys most certainly aren’t.”
Well, if Angelina gives the baby a Namibian name, maybe all will be forgiven. Otherwise, Jolie should think of naming the love child ‘Crayfish’ after the ocean inhabitants they will meet in the Atlantic after being cast in by irritated Namibians.
Tom Cruise wants the fruit of his loins to play with baby Jolie-Pitt. In an interview with GQ magazine that will hit stands the 25th of this month, Scientologist Cruister revealed many things about himself, mainly that he still has Katie under capture and plans to go ahead with the “silent birth“, that he & Holmes’ baby could play with Angelina Jolie & Brad Pitt’s baby & that he can get you off heroin in three days time.
Defending the controversial Scientology practice of giving birth in silence, or maintaining a quiet atmosphere during the delivery, Cruise said, “It’s about respecting the woman. It’s not about her not screaming.” Hmmm. What would Cruise’s old grammar teacher say about that double-negative?
Fellow Scientologists John Travolta & Kelly Preston encourage the young Katie Holmes to embrace the Scientology church’s doctrine of a silent birth. Preston explains, “It’s just because everything in moments of pain is really recorded and you want to have that (the birth) peaceful and clear of sort of suggestions or different words that can then affect them (babies) in their future.” That must have been some good Theton crack she was smoking that day, did that many any sense at all?
It looks like Katie has friends all over the place trying to get her through this whole I’ve-been-knocked-up-and-kidnapped-by-brainwashing-extraordanaire-Tom-Cruise-Help-Me! thing. Apparently Holmes has asked Victoria Beckham to be her birthing partner, after Tom introduced the two recently. Victoria & David Beckham converted to the biding arms of Scientology in 2004 after striking up a friendship with none other than Tom Cruise.
A source told Grazia magazine, “Victoria and Katie have struck a real rapport ever since they were introduced by Tom and both of them are thrilled by the friendship. Victoria has become something of a mother hen to Katie, so when she was asked if she would be with her during the birth, she said yes straight away.” Doesn’t really clarify who asked ole Victoria to be the partner, though, does it? Those Super Adventure Club members, they just kill me. I mean really. They’re here right now trying to kill me.
During the GQ interview Tom joked around that his baby could play with the Jolie-Pitt baby, a little presumptuous I’m afraid. And I’m not so sure that little Zenu would play nice.
Tom always finds a way to introduce his psychiatric soapbox into any interview, an the GQ interview was no exception. He has freshly attacked mind-altering pill-poppers about the harms they may be getting themselves into.
“I’ve always found that the ‘if it makes me feel better, it’s OK’ rationale a little suspect. I think it’s appalling that people have to live a life of drug addiction when I have personally helped people get of drugs.” I can just hear Katie now, “Tom, Tom, if we loosen the ropes around my legs and arms, it feels better.” And Tom Tom’s reply, “Katie, quite frankly, I find that highly suspect.”
In the interview Cruise claimed that he can get anyone off heroin in three days using the Scientology detox program which basically extracts $3 million dollars from your bank account and therefore wakes you out of the drug stupor chasing Tom Cruise & his Scientology gang members and yelling in a dark alley for sweet revenge and retribution.
Before hitting Namibia last week, Angelina Jolie & love partner Brad Pitt stopped to take a quick shop at a Parisian boutique. What did they buy, you ask? Why it appears as if the couple may be expecting a little girl to come their way soon. People, as always, informs us that Jolie & Pitt stocked up on baby stuff including dresses, socks, a bonnet & a layette.
According to the People informer he overheard Jolie saying, “We think it’s a girl, but we’re not 100% certain.”
Earlier in the pregnancy Brad’s sister Julie went on a shopping spree in Missouri nabbing all little girls clothing for the couple. So, unless the master couple of misdirection pull the wool over our eyes once again, it looks like they just might probably maybe more than likely be the proud parents of Wookey the baby girl chimp, I mean the proud parents of a little girl.
Posted by Allison as Pregnant Celebrities at 9:49 AM UTC on Apr, 12 2006
Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie & kids arrived by a private jet in Namibia last Tuesday giving the gossip-sphere fodder & wondering if Angelina will give birth in Africa. An MSN Entertainment insider, however, states “The point of the trip is to spend some quality time together before the birth. The kids are with them, but there’s a nanny to occupy them when Brad and Ange want to concentrate on each other.”
Pitt & Jolie are staying at a secluded Namibian beach resort surrounded by tight security. The famous couple have rented out the entire Swakopmund Hotel & Entertainment Centre, which conveniently enough just happens to have an on-site doctor and small hospital on the property. It would make sense for Jolie to give birth in Africa, an insider shared with the Daily Mirror, “Angelina is passionate about Africa and thinks the idea of her and Brad’s child having an African passport is really cool.” It might be a stretch for Brad, though, who has been very protective of the pregnant Jolie and wishes her to be in a more well-equipped hospital.
What interests me is, who will get the first photo of Bradelina’s baby. People magazine reportedly dropped half a million dollars into Wyclef Jean’s Yele Haiti charity in exchange for photographing a very pregnant Jolie. You know that is a great system, you know that paparazzi are going to steak you out in order to get the prized pic, why not offer the photos yourselves in exchange for a donation to a charity you feel passionate about? I like it, good job to Jolie & Pitt. I take my hat off in your general direction.
Brad Pitt’s publicist commented on offers for photographs of the baby saying, “We’re getting offers.” Estimates on what the coveted image cold bring in range from at least $1 million to a wide-mouthed $5 million. Hmmm. What about the ‘Bloggers-R-Us’ charity. Think they’d go for it?
One unnamed editor said, “We’ll promote your charity, we’ll throw an auction for your charity. We’ll do articles on it in our magazine, we’ll have our staff go volunteer in Africa or Haiti or wherever.” That’s pretty cutely desperate. I wouldn’t mind a trip to Africa, send me!
But another undisclosed editor stated, “People’s going to get the picture and there’s nothing we can do about it.” Poor kid. All’s well that ends well. A charity will receive at least $1 million extra dollars and we will all soon see the Jolie-Pitt baby.
Posted by Allison as Pregnant Celebrities at 8:59 AM UTC on Apr, 11 2006
Gwyneth Paltrow has given birth to a baby boy, the second child for Paltrow & husband Coldplay rocker Chris Martin. The actress welcomed the boy into the world at an unknown location over the weekend. Paltrow had been hoping to give birth to her son using the underwater method, but rumors abound that the delivery had to be hastened by Caesarean section.
And the name is….. It looks like Mortimer is out, poor old Uncle Morty Spielberg. Paltrow & Martin have named their son Moses. Which kinda makes sense in a way. From what Paltrow said on Oprah, she likes the idea of Old Testament namesakes as well as the fact that she is a direct descendent of David HaLevi Segal, the 17th century patriarch from Krakow who was one in the line of the revered Paltrowich dynasty which gave the world another 33 rabbis and that’s a lot of rabbis.
The name Moses has other significance for Paltrow & Martin. Right before their secret wedding ceremony in December 2003, Martin wrote a song for his sweetheart Gwyneth entitled “Moses”. The lyrics to the song include, “Like Moses has power over the sea so you’ve got power over me….You’re a refuge, somewhere I can go. You’re air that, air that I can breathe, ’cause you’re my golden opportunity.” Martin has told fans that this song is the one he most enjoys performing. Now, that’s pretty sweet.
BABY WATCH APRIL 2006:
In response to original baby names everywhere let’s review some famous baby names:
All in all, it’s a crazy baby-naming world out there and I’m not sure what I will bat when it’s my turn. Maybe Sookiepie Wallabee Shananana?
Britney Spears has made it into the sculpting medium. No, not a Cynthia Plastercaster move, more of a pro-life project. A life-size sculpture of a naked Britney (my life now has passion & meaning) kneeling on a bearskin rug (huh?) as she gives birth (did those in the medical field change the birthing position from the missionary to the doggie style?) will be on display next month at Brooklyn’s Capla Kesting Fine Art Gallery. You’re booking tickets now, aren’t you?
The sculpture, which Brit had nothing to do with, is set to appear next to a display case filled with anti-abortion material. The sculpture, created by artist Daniel Edwards, is entitled “Monument to Pro-Life: The Birth of Sean Preston”. I feel like a more appropriate title would have been “Monument to BritKev: The Birth of a Destined Redneck”.
Britney & Kevin Federline pro-life? Who knew? After that whole risking-the-life-of-your-baby-in-a-moving-vehicle thing. Edwards states he has not met the pop star, “I admire her. This is an idealized figure.” Yeah, I’d say. It’s more of an idealized version of giving birth to wild fantasies with a naked, pregnant Spears caressing a bear head.
Posted by Allison as Pregnant Celebrities at 1:48 PM UTC on Mar, 27 2006
Gwyneth Paltrow & Coldplay rocker husband Chris Martin are crossing their fingers for a boy. Paltrow is expected to give birth in May and is planning to give birth to her second child underwater, a new trend that has been gaining speed and acclaim the past several years.
As we all probably know, Paltrow & Martin bestowed upon their baby girl, born May 2004- they really like this whole May thing, the name Apple Blythe Alison Martin; a mouth-watering mouth-full.
She explained herself & her choice of name on Oprah saying, “It sounded so sweet and it conjured such a lovely picture for me – you know, apples are so sweet and they’re wholesome and it’s biblical – and I just thought it sounded so lovely andâ€¦clean! And I just thought, ‘Perfect!’”
So, I was expecting in the same ilk for the new baby bump. Maybe Lamb Donner Squeaky Sugar Martin. You know, it’s sweet, wholesome, biblical and clean. It looks like I shouldn’t have bet the mortgage on this one.
Paltrow & Martin, if they have a boy, will be naming the baby after Paltrow’s godfather Stephen Spielberg, whom she loving calls Uncle Morty. They will be naming the child Mortimer. Morty & Apple sitting in a tree, C-O-N-F-U-S-E-D. First comes humiliation, then comes depression, then comes name calling in a baby carriage.
You know, they still could use the name Lamb Donner Squeaky Sugar Martin, they haven’t said what their plan is if it’s a girl.
Posted by Allison as Pregnant Celebrities at 9:00 AM UTC on Feb, 24 2006
Pregnant Gwen Stefani fears she will never regain her rock ‘n’ roll figure.
Stefani regarding motherhood and hot bodies, “It’s the best gift, but I do look at my stage clothes and wonder if I will ever get into them again.”
You will, but the tight little red pleather shirt may turn into the tight little red pleather wristband.
Gwen, 36 & husband Gavin Rossdale, 38 are expecting their first child in June and I can’t wait for the unveiling of the name. Do I hear a Ziggie or Jaded?