Performancing Metrics


Archive for the ‘Mischief & Mayhem’ Category


O.J. Simpson & Fox are teaming up for a TV special with an attorney-approved title:  O.J.Simpson:  If I Did It, Here’s How It Happened.  Wow, what on earth do Simpson’s children think about all that?  There are several screws loose on this one.  What the hell? 

The two-part series which will promote O.J.’s new book, If I Did It, Simpson approaches the topic of how he could / would have killed his ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson & her friend Ron Goldman, who were found murdered in 1994.

This is a new notch on the completely wrong category, I feel this much worse than a quadruple car crash which ends in a double suicide & triple slip-n-slide.  Wow, I am just amazed by this.  Is anyone else feeling that whole taboo thing?

As well all pretty much know, the ex-football star Simpson was tried & acquitted in 1994 of the double murder but later found liable for the deaths in a wrongful-death suit filed by the Goldman family.

“This is an historic case, and I consider this his confession,” Judith Regan, whose company ReganBooks is publishing O.J.’s book.  I wonder if Simpson knew that his publisher felt that way….  I’m serious, what the hell is O.J. thinking?  Does he just want to be back in the spotlight, even if he has to sell his tattered soul millions of times?

The Fox website has a trailer for the TV special showing Simpson stating, “I don’t think any two people could be murdered without everybody being covered in blood.” 

Simpson then breaks down in tears saying, “I can’t do no more of this!”

And, according to Us Weekly, the clip stopped short of O.J. speaking the truth for once, saying, “I can’t do no more of this…because I tee-off in a half hour and I’ll be damned if the memory of my hypothetical murder victims is gonna come between me and my links.”

Ha!  What do you think?  Is this TV special & Simpson book a good idea?



kevin-federline-letter-shower-11-15-2006.jpgAlways the poet, Kevin Federline took a pen to his dressing room shower at the House of Blues in Chicago a day after estrange wife Britney Spears filed for divorce.

K-Fed penned such an elegant & tasteful communiqué to Spears, I was left nearly in tears.

As you can see, Federline pulls from his heart, these words:

“Today I’m a free man
Ladies look out
F–k a wife
Give me my kids B-tch!
–Kevin Federline”

According to sources, these signatures match, so don’t even begin to think it’s a forgery.  And really, who can do Kevin Federline better that Kevin Federline?  And that was so Kevin Federline.


Borat / Sacha Baron Cohen Gets Rescued by House Hugh Laurie


Sacha Baron Cohen, the man you know as Borat- yes he is actually an actor & not a real person, was going out for a drink with House actor Hugh Laurie on Saturday after the two appeared on Saturday Night Live. 

Quite unexpectedly, Cohen got into his well-rehearsed Borat character and walked up to an unsuspected man on the New York City streets.  When the unknown & temperamental gentleman did not find Borat funny in the least, he hit Borat square in the face repeatedly.  But then Dr. House or actor Hugh Laurie came to Cohen’s rescue & pushed the upset man away.

“BORAT star Sacha Baron Cohen was beaten up by a passer-by after he tried to play a prank as his alter ego.

He approached the man and said: “I like your clothings. Are nice! Please may I buying? I want have sex with it.”

But the bystander didn’t see the joke. He took one look at Cohen and punched him in the face.

The funnyman — known for his Borat catchphrase “Jagshemash!” — yelled for help but was slugged again and again.

He was rescued by actor pal Hugh Laurie who had been on his way to a New York bar with Cohen.

Laurie rushed to help and pushed the man away as Cohen struggled to his feet. A pal of Cohen said: “Sacha couldn’t resist playing the fool as Borat, but picked on the wrong person.

“I guess this guy thought he was being attacked by someone unstable and lashed out. Sacha is very lucky he didn’t get a much worse beating.”

The incident took place after Laurie and Cohen appeared on the US TV show Saturday Night Live. The Brit comics were on their way to a late dinner when Laurie suggested they visit a bar in Manhattan.

Laurie, 47, told friends he feared Cohen was going to get badly beaten up. Luckily, 35-year-old Cohen did not receive any lasting scars.”

Well, that’s one way to take your act to the people.  Too bad that it didn’t work out too well for him.  Poor Borat, beaten up, being sued by frat boys & being banned in Russia.  It’s just not his week, is it?  Well, it does kinda sound like mine….


Denise Richards Aplogizes for That Balcony Throwing Laptop Thing



When Denise Richards threw a photographer’s laptop over a hotel balcony, hitting an unsuspecting senior at ground level, we were all wondering what the batty actress would say.  And here she is now, with her “apology.”

“I am not justifying my behavior. It was wrong. I saw one of the photographers, went up to him and offered to give him a few nice shots and asked him to please leave so we can focus on our scene.

“He wouldn’t and he got really belligerent and he was saying vulgar, nasty things to me and made a derogatory remark about my family. I just did what I did and I feel terrible. Over the balcony it went. It was a big mistake on my part. I’m not volatile at all. I’m not aggressive. I’ve never been with the paparazzi. I feel bad that I ended up doing that.”

Yep, and I bet that old lady does too.



Nicole Kidman & Addict Husband Keith Urban Reunited



39-year-old actress Nicole Kidman & 39-year-old addict husband Keith Urban are reunited, and it feels so good!  Kidman & her husband of four months (any regrets, Nicole?) were spotted taking a stroll at the Betty Ford Center in Palm Springs Sunday.

Keith has been at the in-patient rehab center for alcohol abuse since checking into the center October 19.  This is the second visit Nicole made to her new hubby, the first being a two hour long visit November 5. 

The country singer is expected to be at the rehabilitation center between 35 & 40 days, giving Nicole some time to reconsider an annulment.

What is going on with Keith that he has had to resort to his old addiction?  New marriage, beautiful wife, good life, big CMA winner.  What has the guy got to be sad or anxious about?

What do you think, should Nicole consider an annulment or support her new man?


Failed Baldwin, Daniel Arrested in Santa Monica

daniel-baldwin-arrested-11-10-2006.jpgFailed Baldwin, Daniel, was arrested in Santa Monica Wednesday on suspicion of being in a SUV that did not belong to him, otherwise & sometimes known as ‘stealing.’

Wednesday officers in Santa Monica saw Daniel driving a white GMC Yukon in neighboring Orange County, and when you see Daniel not in a dirty corner drinking beer, you know something is up.

The sometimes actor was taken to jail & booked for grand theft auto, unfortunately here, not a video game; Baldwin’s bail was set at $20,000.

“The car belongs to an acquaintance of Mr. Baldwin, but he had no permission to take it,” stated a spokesman for the Orange County sheriff’s department.  I wonder who the acquaintance was, either another Baldwin or his drug dealer I’m guessing. 

This has been a bad year for Daniel who in July drove a rented vehicle at more that 80mph through L.A. traffic and crashed into two cars, that were parked.  Oops.  Also, in April this particular Baldwin was arrested for cocaine possession, although felony charges were never filed.  Well, that was nice of them to let that slide.

Well, there goes another Baldwin.  Maybe he can write a book now….



Borat Braces for Drunken SC Frat Boys Lawsuit

borat-fraternity-boys-lawsuit-11-10-2006.jpgIt looks like Borat’s luck may be running out as two fraternity brothers are filing a lawsuit against the comedian over their drunken spot in the new hit movie.  So, don’t they make you sign some kind of release form to avoid situations like this? 

On Thursday legal action was taken against Borat & his spoof documentary Borat:  Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan.  The lawsuit states that the two college kids “engaged in behavior that they otherwise would not have engaged in.” 

The plaintiffs that filed the suit have not been named “to protect themselves from any additional and unnecessary embarrassment.”

The two were identified in the movie as frat brothers from a South Carolina university where they were shown making insulting comments about women & minorities.  Ouch!  Yeah, I guess they pulled a Mel Gibson move & regretted their actions the next morning, or while South Carolina minorities & women were beating the crap out of them after seeing the movie.  Maybe I’m a little rash, but the peckers deserve what they get.  What do you think?


faith-hill-carrie-underwood-jealous-cma-11-10-2006.jpgWow, this whole Faith Hill reaction to Carrie Underwood winning the Female Vocalist of the Year award at the CMAs has caused quite a ruckus!  Who knew that we paid so much attention to Hill’s reactions?

Here’s the story, in case you’re living under a pile of very heavy rocks.   When Carrie Underwood was announced as the Female Vocalist of the Year award winner Monday, Faith Hill was spotted on camera screaming “What??!!”  [See video here]

So folks have been upset with Hill & her possible jealously for the new, younger star.  But Nashville’s stars are coming to the defense of the veteran country star.

Close pal Martina McBride told the Tennessean that Hill was “just clowning around.

Kenny Chesney also came to Hill’s rescue, saying that he has known Faith for more than a decade, and that she doesn’t have a malicious or jealous bone in her body.

Interestingly, both Hill & Underwood are nominated for Best Female Vocalist in the People’s Choice Awards, to be held January 9.  Well, that should be fun.  Maybe they’ll come up with a cute skit about this one.


Denise Richards Takes Aggression Out on Elderly Women


Denise Richards has a bit of a problem with anger management, as indicated by an incident today (police on scene right now as of 2:30pm CST).

Here’s what’s goin’ on:  While on set in Vancouver, British Columbia where Richards & Pamela Anderson are filming Blonde and Blonder, Denise got into an argument with some paparazzi that were taking photographs of her.

Richards stormed up to the photographer’s hotel room & had some kind of crazy fit where she threw his laptop off the hotel balcony.  Reports state that as the helpless laptop was being thrown off the hotel balcony, an 80-year-old woman in a wheelchair received a blow to the arm as the poor little innocent laptop plummeted to the ground.  Oops.

Here’s the dish now from Lainey’s Gossip:

“The River Rock Casino where Denise and Pam are shooting Blonde and Blonder – huge drama, a small village of witnesses, police are on site RIGHT NOW (6:30pm PST)!!!

A couple of photographers are taking photos from a balcony overlooking the concourse where Denise was getting ready for her scene. She sees them, she storms up the stairs, a heated exchange ensues, she’s overheard cussing at them, an eye and ear witness tells me he heard the word “cocksucker”, they’re cussing back at her… and then!

And then!

She grabs one of their laptops and THROWS IT OVER THE BALCONY!!!

The laptop goes flying and it HITS AN OLDER LADY IN THE ARM!!!

This was observed by everyone on the set not to mention many, many casino patrons…

I was the only one to speak to the photographer involved in the incident tonight. Rik Fedyck is a freelance photographer in Vancouver.

He confirmed to me and to CTV news exclusively that Denise Richards stormed up the stairs at the River Rock Casino and Resort on Wednesday late afternoon and after a heated exchange, grabbed his laptop and threw it off the balcony.

He also told me that two elderly women were struck. According to Rik, one of the women was 91 years old.”

Wow, well I guess that does kinda sound like Denise Richards.  I can’t wait for the candids.  Poor, little old lady!  Hopefully she’ll sue!  I wouldn’t mind representing the poor laptop.


Keith Urban Speaks About Addiction & Gives Advice


Keith Urban, who recently checked into an alcohol abuse rehabilitation center has some advice for those who struggle for addiction.  His advice is to communicate, communicate, communicate.

“Everyone gets overwhelmed at points, but it’s when you think you can handle it yourself and you don’t reach out for help. That’s when the end is near,” Urban revealed.

“Recognize that you are about the tire, that drowning is looming.”

“I’ve definitely been that drowning guy, and in the midst of drowning, I thought, `I wonder if I should put my hand up?’ … I’m just really grateful to be present and doing what I can. And if it overwhelms me, I speak out and say, `There is too much going on.”‘

Well, it looks like Keith knows what he’s doing, but at the same time I don’t blame wife Nicole Kidman for going ahead with that prenup.



britney-spears-sex-video-leaked-by-kevin-federline-11-8-2006.jpgWell, we said this Britney Spears / Kevin Federline divorce could get nasty, and it looks like it’s just started.  With the text message to K-Fed informing him of the divorce, we’re off to a good start. 

Now, looks can be deceiving, but it may be that K-Fed has already retaliated on estranged wife Britney Spears by leaking a reported sex tape of the two, or rather K-Fed, enjoying himself.

According to, this is the famous Britney Spears sex video that has gained fame & attention since the first mention & utterance of its existence.  I’m not convinced this is Spears, but you tell me.  I will tell you first, that this video contains adult material & should be taken as such.  Consider yourself porn warned.



Shanna Moakler has her cake & eats it too at her Divorce Party this weekend.  On Saturday the Playboy playmate celebrated her divorce from Blink 182 drummer Travis Barker.

The newly single Moakler did her divorce up right at the FIX restaurant located in the Bellagio Hotel & Casino Resort in Las Vegas.  Well, it looks like this marriage is said & done for.  Wonder what’s up next for Shanna, as we already know Travis has been a busy boy already with Paris Hilton.  But really, who hasn’t been a busy boy with Paris?




There’s trouble in Hollywood.  With Reese Witherspoon & Ryan Phillippe separating, the stakes are pretty high.  When the couple married in 1999, they forgo-ed the ubiquitous prenuptial agreement. 

The financial blow will be for 30-year-old Witherspoon who surpassed Julia Roberts earlier this year as the highest paid actress in Hollywood.  Reese makes about $29 million a movie, while 32-year-old Ryan makes a piddly $2.5 million per film.

Ryan will be reaping the benefits as under California law, without your safety-net prenup, earnings are divided up 50/50.  Ouch!  But then again, with all this talk of Ryan’s infidelity, maybe Reese will be able to screw him nonetheless, ’cause it looks like he’s done his fair share of screwing this year.





Now that the news has been affirmed that Reese & Ryan are over, now we are left asking ourselves why.  And don’t you know the rumor mill is already a-churning out some juicy ones.  The word on the street is that Ryan Phillippe cheated on wife Reese Witherspoon with several blondes while on location for Flags of Our Fathers.

I have more hope for Ryan than this, but that’s where the evidence is pointing as of right now.  Oh, Ryan, you little cheeky bastard. 

What do you think, did Ryan diss the Reese for some dumb blondes along the road?

Brad Pitt Seeks Trespassing Charges Against E! Networks

brad-pitt-e-network-10-29-20063.jpgIt looks like it’s more battling for the Bragelina camp.  Brad Pitt is apparently seeking trespassing charges against E! Networks after a producer & cameraman walked onto Pitt’s property without permission.

Reps for the Pittster stated, “Yes, we have filed trespassing charges against E! and are exploring our legal options against both the crew that actually trespassed and the network itself.”

The alleged trespassing took place last week at Brad’s Hollywood Hills home.  I think Pitt should just go Deliverance on that trespass ass and take ‘em down without asking questions first.

The incident is still under investigation according to a Los Angeles police spokesperson, meanwhile E! says they are living clean.  The cable network does not admit to any wrongdoing, simply stating, “E! Networks is investigating allegations that a producer and cameraman who were filming locations for a program about Brad Pitt went onto property last week that is reportedly owned by Mr. Pitt.”

“E! Networks did not instruct or authorize anyone working on its program to improperly intrude onto private property, and the individuals involved have been terminated. While neither Mr. Pitt nor his family were at the property when the incident took place, the network in no way condones or encourages such behavior and would like to offer its most sincere apologies to Mr. Pitt and his family.”

I think they forgot part of their statement, “E! Networks also did not intentionally take nude pictures of Angelina & Brad as they were showing the washing machine how to really shake it and E! Networks in no way intends to use these hot pictures to the benefit of E! Networks.”

If only that were true.  Well, we do have a Pam & Tommy video, a damn Dustin “Screech” Diamond sex tape, along with probably millions of Paris Hilton porn videos, why not a Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie video?  Do you know how much they could donate to Africa with that kind of sex appeal?


Paris Hilton Says Sorry for Drunk Driving


Paris Hilton, who was arrested for drunk driving September 7, does a little I’m Sorry in the December issue of Seventeen magazine.

“All it takes is one drink to mess with the way you drive – it clouds your judgment and slows your reflexes. Don’t take any chances. It just isn’t worth it,” Hilton states.

The hotel heiress also reveals to the teen magazine that, holy crap!, she has yet to reach her sexual peak.  Watch out, world, a hormone-raging Paris will be out on the streets in just a few short years.

25-year-old Paris stated, “I think you like [sex] when you’re, like, in your thirties.”

Wow.  She is so intuitive.




As reported in quite length earlier, Heather Mills made some startling allegations regarding estranged husband Paul McCartney.  Mills has alleged that McCartney was physically & emotionally abusive, used drugs, tried to strangle her and was basically a big, huge meanie-pants.

Paul has come out with a statement regarding these allegations, and to be honest it’s a little on the weak side. 

McCartney’s reps stated “Our client would very much like to respond in public and in detail to the allegations made recently against him by his wife and published in the press but he recognizes, on advice, that the only correct forum for his response to the allegations made against him is in the current divorce proceedings.”

Will Paul take this slander lying down?  Reps went on to state, “Our client will be defending these allegations vigorously and appropriately.”  So, no, apparently Paul is ready for a fight.

So, either Heather is an evil bitch, Paul is a huge asshole, or a little of both.  What do you think?


heather-mills-paul-mccartney-divorce-news-10-18-2006.jpgWow, in a recent Us Weekly post, Heather Mills is crucifying estranged husband Paul McCartney and she isn’t looking back.

In court documents filed by ex-model Mills, Heather is claiming that McCartney was physically & emotionally violet towards her, took drugs as well as forbade her to breastfeed their baby during the marriage. 

Here’s what Us Weekly broke down for us regarding the abuse, check it out.

October 2002: McCartney loudly pointed out that Mills was in a bad mood, in front of other people. When they returned home McCartney and Mills began to argue about the McCartney’s behaviour. McCartney grabbed Mills by the neck and pushed her over a coffee table. He then went outside and, in his drunken state, fell down a hill, cutting his arm.
May 2003: The couple were in a hotel in Rome when McCartney behaved coldly towards Mills, who was pregnant and who was distressed by a derogatory newspaper article about her. An argument ensued in which McCartney became angry and pushed Mills into the bath. Mills suffered distress but was made to go to McCartney’s evening concert.
May 2003
: Following the concert, in a fit of pique because Mills refused to go to the aftershow party, McCartney directed a female bodyguard to abandon Mills, leaving her exposed to hordes of fans. The respondent was forced to take a 30 minute walk back to the hotel because no taxi was available.
August 2003: In Long Island, Mills asked McCartney if he had been smoking marijuana. He became angry, grabbed her neck and started choking her.
October 2003: McCartney often told Mills when she was pregnant that he did not want her to breast-feed their child, making the comment “they are my breasts” and “I don’t want a mouthful of breast milk”.
November 2003: McCartney required Mills to defer an essential operation on her leg because it would have interfered with holiday plans.
December 2003: Mills had a broken pelvic plate McCartney insisted that she cook for him while she was on crutches, could barely move and was in agony.
Mid-November 2004: McCartney failed to protect Mills from adverse press reports despite being in a position to do so. Mills was warned that a forthcoming article about her was about to come out in The Sunday Times magazine and included the line: “The best thing that ever happened to Heather Mills McCartney was losing her leg” which was distressing.
As McCartney had been asked to participate in the half-time entertainment for the Superbowl on Fox TV owned by Rupert Murdoch (who also owns The Sunday Times), Mills asked McCartney to tell Rupert Murdoch that he would not confirm his participation in the Superbowl unless he agreed not to run the story. McCartney refused to assist in this way.
September/October 2005: McCartney called Mills an “ungrateful bitch” in front of their driver when she explained why an office he had provided was not right for her. Having refused to allow Mills to use his spare office on the floor beneath their apartment, which would have allowed for a creche in one part of the office, McCartney had insisted she use an office that was far too small and was 20 minutes walk away. When Mills went to view it, she was chased by paparazzi and was so demoralised by the experience she never used the office.
April 2006: Shortly after Mills’ revision amputation surgery she was forced to crawl on her hands and knees up aeroplane steps because they were not wide enough to take her wheelchair. McCartney had assured Mills he had taken care of her disability needs in connection with the trip.
April 2006: An argument occurred during which McCartney poured a bottle of red wine over Mills’ head and then threw what remained in his wine glass at her.
McCartney then reached to grab Mills’ wine glass, and broke the bowl of the glass from the stem. He then lunged at the Mills with the sharp stem of the glass, which cut and pierced the Mills’ arm just below the elbow causing her to bleed profusely. He proceeded to manhandle Mills, flinging her into her wheelchair and wheeling it outside, screaming at her to apologize for “winding him up”.
April 2006: Mills asked McCartney not to leave her alone with their daughter Beatrice at the Cabin (because it is isolated in a forest). She had just had surgery on her leg, was in a wheelchair, and was anxious about her ability to cope by herself. Notwithstanding this, he walked off. Mills then telephoned McCartney, and asked him to return. McCartney mocked her pleas, mimicking the voice of a nagging spouse, and refused to return.
April 2006: It is alleged that Mills found McCartney staggering, undressed him and ran the bath and helped him into it. She then phoned the McCartney’s psychiatrist for advice and was told not to attempt to move him, to get a duvet and two pillows, to empty the bath of water, cover him, and leave him there.
Mills thereupon dragged herself upstairs, on her hands and knees (she was unable to wear her prosthetic leg as the wound from surgery had not yet healed) and brought back down the pillows. She found that McCartney had vomited on himself. She rinsed him off, and got him out the bath. At that time Mills had a broken plate in her pelvis and she was in agony.
April 2006: On April 27 Mills knew McCartney would be too hungover to help her with Beatrice and due to her own incapacity as a result of an operation, she had to call the babysitter to help get Beatrice to nursery.
The following day McCartney went to London but said he would be back in time to help the put Beatrice to bed. He did not arrive back at her bedtime even though he knew Mills could not cope on her own. McCartney arrived home drunk and demanded dinner and called the respondent a nag.
That evening Mills realized the marriage had irretrievably broken down and left, crawling on her hands and knees while dragging her wheelchair, crutches and basic personal possessions to the car.
No date given: Mills asked McCartney if she could buy an antique bedpan to keep under the bed at night so she wouldn’t have to crawl to the bathroom when her prosthetic leg was not fitted. McCartney objected, saying it would be like being in “an old woman’s home.”

Jeez, that was a load of badness, I’m glad to see you made it through without a scratch.  So, what do you think- is all this true, is Paul McCartney the biggest asshole of them all?




Babyshambles frontman, Kate Moss semi-fiance & drug addict Pete Doherty was spotted outside the Thames Magistrates Court in London Wednesday.

Rocker Doherty was appearing for a hearing relating to one of his many drug possession charges.  We’re all crossing our fingers (& toes) that Pete can finally get back in the clean & sober boat and leave all this court business behind him.

After all, the man wants to marry Kate Moss & have little Pete’s running around, a completely terrifying thought.


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