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Archive for the ‘For Appearances Sake’ Category

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Britney Spears is holding a press conference at the Los Angeles Convention Center today.  It’s almost been a millennium since she held her last conference, so this is kinda big, like her new look, big.  Anyone else miss the old Brit?  The attractive one with a convincing smile, not the one we see today trying to smile through the K-Fed marriage & dropped babies.

What is this press conference going to be about, Britney?  I’m thinking she either captured Osama bin Laden with her teeth in the woods; or she has converted to Scientology; or she’s finally coming to her senses and leaving her red neck husband Kevin Federline; or she’s going to reveal what everyone and their brother already know- she’s pregnant yet again, and a baby girl is on the way. 

Britney has yet to reveal why she has invited select media, journalist and record industry reps to the convention center, but one question seems to tap at my brain- will K-Fed be a part of this special Spears talk? With his new record on the loose, will he try & upstage his wife for musical attention?

“K-Fed’s the bomb now,” says a friend of the couple. “He’s the one who’s cut a record and performed in public most recently—and who doesn’t look totally gross in sweat pants. Britney’s got to do something other than drive around with her baby on her lap to get attention. I guess this ‘mysterious’ press conference is it.”

News has circulated that there may be marital problems between Britney Spears & Kevin Federline.  Reports of K-Fed’s marijuana use, compulsive spending and his practice of a hands-off theory of parenting have culminated to an unhappy marital affair.

“She can’t stand the thought of playing second banana to a guy who used to carry her [sanitary napkin] bag,” said the friend. “But whether she’s leaving Hollywood, quitting show business, or running for governor, all eyes are going to be on K-Fed if he shows up today.”

To tell you the truth, I’m hoping for the Laden in her teeth scenario.

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Nicole Richie Thin Vanity Fair.jpgSimple Life star Nicole Richie has made peace with her weight loss and gas faced up to the fact that the 'I'm just naturally thin' line isn't fooling anyone.  Richie opens up to Vanity Fair saying that she is afraid that young women who see her as a role model would aim to have her sleek, blowing-away-in-the-wind figure.

Richie reveals, "I know I'm too thin right now, so I wouldn't want any young girl looking at me and saying, 'That's what I want to look like.'"

The socialite actress pleads that her weight loss is not due to an eating disorder and that she has sought medical advice.  Richie states, "I started seeing a nutritionist and a doctor... I do recognize that I have a problem, and I want to be responsible and fix it, and I'm on that path right now."

But the docs aren't convinced Richie's weight loss isn't due to anorexia.  In an upcoming Vanity Fair article one of her medics, Jeffery Wilkins, informs us, "If it's not anorexia, she should be able to gain the weight. If it ends up being anorexia we can help her with that."

So, either way it looks like Nicole Richie is on the right track to avoid having a string attached to her legs and being flown like a kite.  Now if she can only find a way to mend that broken Paris Hilton relationship... 

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Rosie O’Donnell’s Hairy ‘View’ Contract


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Rosie O'Donnell will be cashing in a $2 million paycheck as the new co-host of The View, but only if she doesn't do it up butch-style.  According to O'Donnell's ABC contract she has been forbidden to cut her hair.   

Is this some kind of Sikh movement?  Nope, ABC & Barbara Walters, who created the show, have stipulated that Rosie must never return to that horrible cropped look which shocked fans in 2002.  They are trying to make Rosie look at fashionable as possible when she sits down with the likes of Joy Behar, Star Jones & Elizabeth Hasselbeck.
 
Empathetically O'Donnell said, "I don't blame them. I remember that haircut. The hair will be staying long."

I'm thinking that's a good idea, Rosie.

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Katie Holmes Buff Bride.jpgKatie Holmes, I mean Kate Holmes else Tom Cruise hits me over the head and says I'm not a woman, is in the heat of weight loss battle after giving birth to baby Suri on April 18.  Holmes is hoping to shed the pounds in preparation for her marriage to Tom this summer.  These plans, however, have been met with opposition from Katie's, I mean Kate's, father. 

As reported earlier, Holmes has already met with Buff Brides owner Sue Fleming who specializes in diminishing pounds for brides in a matter of weeks.  Tom Cruise is overseeing the fitness regime since Katie, I mean Kate, can't really do a lot of sit ups with her hands tied.  Much to the chagrin of her father, Holmes is dedicated to loosing her baby weight. 

Martin Holmes tells British magazine Reveal, "My daughter needs rest, relaxation and recuperation. Katie is already doing exercises to build up her back and shoulders and I simply can't go along with what is happening."

Buff Brides Sue Fleming interjects, "Katie can and will do it. She has great motivation. She loves her fiance and was proud that Tom oversaw this program.

"He told her he wanted her to be the most beautiful bride ever. She was in tears when he said that."

I'm pretty sure Katie, I mean Kate, was in tears because she should already be the most beautiful bride to Tom Cruise, I mean Satan.  And probably mingled with a little regret and painful chaffing skin due to the ropes on her wrist.

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Tori Spelling, seen here with her fiance actor Dean McDermott, has big boobies, I do not lie.  I’m not sure I remember them being that size during the 90210 years as seen below.  I guess they just get bigger as you blossom into a fruity, flighty socialite butterfly.  I think I need to try that approach, I have always wanted pretty, silken wings.

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Spelling is getting pumped up at Jimmy’s Lounge in LA for her upcoming VH1 premier.  Her new show which hits TV’s this Sunday is entitled “So NoTORIous“.  Oh, I get it.  It’s her first name and the word ‘notorious’ crammed together to make a hilarious TV show title, how cute & original.

Spelling will star as a “fictionalized” actress surrounded by an eclectic groups of pals such as her former nanny, a devoted manager, a self-absorbed roommate and a real estate agent.  Loni Anderson (that should make for some laughs) will star as Spelling’s mom, a demanding Beverly Hills housewife, is there any other kind?  And the 32-year-old Spelling’s pet pug Mimi La Rue, will be playing herself.  How adorable.  I hope they dress her up in sweet little clothing and let her prance around the house, I just can’t wait.

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The Slimming Kelly Osbourne

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Kelly Osbourne has revealed the startling secret on her slimming, new figure.  She has put down the Jammie Dodgers cookies for good.  From being a rather large cookie herself, it looks like just her breasts are left to turn back in to the human she truly is. 

Ozzy Osbourne’s little girl is doing her share up growing up, and avoiding eating bats.  Kelly was pictured in the Mirror this week after loosing some noticeable pounds.  The weight dropped off when the “singer” laid her favorite Jamie Dodgers cookies to rest and took up dancing.  I can see the similarities there, the graceful movement of popping a cookie into your open, awaiting mouth to the graceful movements of a limber arabesque.

According to her hair stylist Terry Longden, “There was never just one packet in her dressing room- they left a case.  Nobody was allowed to touch them.  We knew better than to come between her and her Jammie dodgers.  I pinched one and she chased me down the tour bus.”  I wonder… after that comment, is she still the singer’s stylist?

Terry went on to say that Osbourne went on the diet after being taunted about her figure.  “She’s irritated when people label her as fat.  They see chubby cheeks first and assume they are fat all over.”

I understand the predicament Kelly must be in, however, I think we may need a good fat person role model, Kirstie Alley just isn’t doing it for me.

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The Truth Behind the Makeup: Marilyn Manson

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Marilyn Manson, born Brian Warner, recently made headlines not with humping another head or more outlandish or videogamesque costumes; no the bachelor has been taken off the market.  Last December the shock rocker married burlesque dancer Dita Von Tesse, or as her mother knows her- Heather Sweet.  The ceremony took place in Kilsheelan, County Tipperary, Ireland, at Castle Gurteen, the home of the couple’s friend, controversial artist Gottfried Helnwein.  Manson & Tesse began dating over five years ago and appear to have not looked back since; this is the first marriage for both. 

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All that’s well & good, but what I want to know is about the makeup.  I feel certain that cosmetic stores worldwide get quite tingly at the slightest mention of a Marilyn Manson tour date.  Ye gods, the application alone must take pounds of foundation and cascading wallets of cash.  I would think Dita gets more lipstick on her collar these days than Manson. 

 

 

 

Marilyn Manson.jpg

It’s been over a decade since we first saw the makeup-donning Manson, and I have to wonder, will the persona ever end?  After the Clearasil, the lipstick on your teeth, leaving marks on the pillow- wouldn’t that be enough for anyone?  But I’m not so sure we’re ready for that.  I don’t think the Manson seen at right will move crowds to line up their cash for CD’s and overpriced concert tickets.  You be the judge, Marilyn Manson without makeup- sexy or just plain wrong?

 

        



Babe Goes Bald, Natalie Portman Says Goodbye to Locks

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Natalie Portman has fulfilled a long-standing goal.  No, not making Jack Osborne invisible- the Harvard graduate has shaved her pretty little head for her role in the Wachowski brothers’ new film, V for Vendetta. 

“I was really excited to get to shave my head- it’s something I’d wanted to do for a while and now I had a good excuse,” Portman told reporters at the Berlin International Film Festival.  “It was nice to shed that level of vanity for a girl.”  That’s beautiful.

The new film by Andy & Larry Wachowski is set in a future Britain run by a fascist dictatorship.  Is this where America enters and saves the day with chaos and bombs I wonder?  Portman’s character, Evey, is saved from an attack by a masked anarchist only known as “V” played by Hugo Weaving (the Matrix Agent Smith).  Evey joins in his crusade against the regime.  The movie is set to hit screens March 17th.

The Closer actress is enjoying her new look except for one flaw, “I wasn’t used to being looked at so much.  Walking down the street, I can usually blend in, and people really stare at you when you’re a girl with a shaved head.”

Some interesting tid bits regarding Natalie: 

Real Name:  Natalie Hershlag

Birthplace & Date:  Jerusalem, Israel / June 9, 1981

Height:  5’4″

First Film:  The Professional

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