Natalie Portman is my favorite. I know I proclaimed my love for Lea Michele today, but Natalie will forever have my heart. She is hot in corny Japanese commericals and she hot when she acts. In everything. Ever.

She is intelligent. Smart. And almost a genius. No, those adjectives are not similar and I am allowed to use them all and pretend they are different. That is how us genius people roll. Natalie completely understands this and has accepted me for me. I wish you could do the same.

Never mind, I can totally understand why Natalie and I aren’t together. It’s like in Hancock, the two superheroes must be apart for the world to be a better place. This is why I am able to be with Lea Michele without committing treason against my heart.

That was deep.

PANTS ON THE GROUND! PANTS ON THE GROUND! LOOKIN LIKE A FOOL WIT CHA PANTS ON THE GROUND!

My wife, Natalie Portman, wanted to buy herself a french poodle, but I wasn’t too keen on splashing down the cash for it so I told her she would have to go out and earn it herself. Being a resourceful chica she landed a starring role in a Japanese shampoo commercial and I must say this is my favorite work of hers.

Who knew my baby girl was so athletic. We all know she is beautiful and intelligent, but athletic and deadly with a pointed weapon? I didn’t know that and the reason I didn’t know that is because I don’t have a pointed weapon. I’m sorry if you do, but there is not pointy going on down here.

I do have a sword though. It’s more of a swashbuckler type of thing with a slight curve. I like to pretend I’m a pirate and go out and search for new booty. In pirate speak, ‘booty’ means treasure. In real life, ‘booty’ means treasure.

Don’t forget, I’m married to Natalie Portman.

The reason? She reportedly could not understand the concept of celibacy.

A million men’s imaginations are now in overdrive.

Natalie Portman stole the show at the amfAR’s fund-raiser in Cannes. So glad she’s over the Queen Amadala haircut… though this dress wins our vote for Most Regal.

There are some “movie couples” that you just don’t forget. Olivia Newton John and John Travolta in Grease. Julia Roberts and Hugh Grant in Notting Hill. Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks in Sleepless in Seattle.

But some pairings just don’t have any chemistry. In this list of the most
boring movie matches you’ll find Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez in Gigli and Hayden Christensen and Natalie Portman in Star Wars (proving that even a rabid cult following can’t create chemistry). R2D2 and See-threepio had more heart — and they were robots.

25-year-old Natalie Portman was recently asked by a reporter if she was back to dating Goya’s Ghosts hottie co-star Gael Garcia Bernal.

To which the hotpot Portman replied, “That’s none of your business.”

Natalie confesses that she finds it very strange when reporters ask her personal questions, like when she was asked as a late teen if she was still a virgin. 

“Remember there was that time when Britney Spears and Jessica Simpson were proclaiming their virginity?  I was like, ‘Are you kidding?’”

Oh, how I love Natalie Portman, don’t you?

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