I know exactly what I’m doing May 19, and it’s not scrubbing the floors. The Da Vinci Code, a Ron Howard directed movie, is set to hit screens this coming May. From the man who directed Willow, Apollo 13 & A Beautiful Mind- I trust the director to do justice to the Dan Brown novel.

Tom Hanks is taking the lead as Robert Langdon & his counterpart will be played by the lovely French actress Audrey Tautou, who won fans and smiles alike in Amelie. The spirited actor Sir Ian McKellen will be playing the role of fitful Sir Leigh Teabing. With such a talent-ridden cast & fun book, I think anyone could direct this baby and make it sing.

The basic plot line of “The Da Vinci Code” fiction book surrounds a murder in the Louvre and clues in Da Vinci paintings lead to the discovery of a religious mystery protected by a secret society for two thousand years — which could shake the foundations of Christianity.

The trailer is now available for your viewing pleasure, with no spoils attached. There is some spoiling, however, for the author Dan Brown who has been involved in a lawsuit for the majority of this year. Two writers have stepped forward accusing Brown of stealing their ideas. Well, at least he didn’t call it a memoir.

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Kelly Osbourne has revealed the startling secret on her slimming, new figure.  She has put down the Jammie Dodgers cookies for good.  From being a rather large cookie herself, it looks like just her breasts are left to turn back in to the human she truly is. 

Ozzy Osbourne’s little girl is doing her share up growing up, and avoiding eating bats.  Kelly was pictured in the Mirror this week after loosing some noticeable pounds.  The weight dropped off when the “singer” laid her favorite Jamie Dodgers cookies to rest and took up dancing.  I can see the similarities there, the graceful movement of popping a cookie into your open, awaiting mouth to the graceful movements of a limber arabesque.

According to her hair stylist Terry Longden, “There was never just one packet in her dressing room- they left a case.  Nobody was allowed to touch them.  We knew better than to come between her and her Jammie dodgers.  I pinched one and she chased me down the tour bus.”  I wonder… after that comment, is she still the singer’s stylist?

Terry went on to say that Osbourne went on the diet after being taunted about her figure.  “She’s irritated when people label her as fat.  They see chubby cheeks first and assume they are fat all over.”

I understand the predicament Kelly must be in, however, I think we may need a good fat person role model, Kirstie Alley just isn’t doing it for me.

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Well, someone has to do it and I’m glad it’s Matt Stone & Trey Parker.  Stone & Parker have filmed a last-minute episode of South Park in response to Scientologist Isaac Hayes’ request to be released from his contract because the show mocked his “religion”.

Hayes quit the show last week stating, “there is a time when satire ends and intolerance and bigotry toward religious beliefs and others begins.”  This is the same Hayes who is one episode of South Park had the following line:

Chef: Where were we going to find a child to sacrifice?
Chef’s Mother: We weren’t going to ask where you got if from.

Back to the current story.  Because South Park episodes only take about six days to create, Stone & Parker were able to react to the current controversy soon after it happened.  The upcoming show that will air tomorrow night is entitled, “The Return of Chef”.  According to Comedy Central the show will feature, “The triumphant homecoming of school chef Jerome McElroy.”

“While Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Cartman are thrilled to have their old friend back, they notice that something about Chef seems to be different.  When Chef’s strange behavior stars getting him in trouble, the boys pull out all the stops to save him.”

I will most assuredly be tuned in to Comedy Central tomorrow evening.  It begs the question, who will be voicing the part of Chef now?  Will they use Hayes’ voice by piecing together existing dialogue?  Find some other soul singer & deep voice extraordinaire?  I’ll tell you what I’m hoping for- something completely different.  I think a polar opposite voice from what Isaac Hayes offers would really illustrate the ridiculous nature of this current situation.  What about a high-pitched Irish voice for our old pal Chef?

Can’t you just hear it now (read now with an Irish accent), “You’ve got to hold the football like you would hold your lover, eh. Gently, yet firmly, eh. You wanna be both nurturing and clinging at the same time, don’t you know. Oh, yes. Just like making sweet love to the football, eh. Be naughty with the football, eh. Mmmm, spank it, eh. Ever so gently, eh. Spank it, eh. Oh, uh, sorry, children.”

From the boys who had George Clooney on the show just to bark for the role of Sparky, the gay dog, I’m just tickled to see just what they do do.

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Prison Break stars Wentworth Miller & Rockmond Dunbar have slammed the cast of Lost.  The cast members of ABC’s hit series complained recently about poor filming conditions.  Apparently living it up on a private island in Hawaii just isn’t doing it for the crew.

Dunbar, who plays C-Note in the Fox drama Prison Break, insists the stars on the beach show have nothing to whine about.

“They’re in Hawaii, filing the greatest show in beautiful weather, and then you hear one of them complain about isolation?  Dude, try filming in Chicago in the middle of winter!”

I’m left thinking a few things:  Maybe he didn’t hear about the whole levy situation in Hawaii and who even says dude anymore?  But, I hear him loud and clear.  I’d like to hear myself complain while living it large on those beautiful shores, instead of complaining here in my office chair all day.

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With Scientologist Tom Cruise allegedly forcing Comedy Central to pull a repeat of a South Park episode about the cult religion last week & Scientologist Isaac Hayes quitting the show a few days prior after being the voice of Chef since 1997, I thought we’d do a little piece on the topic itself.

My opener:  Beck & Jason Lee are dead to me.

First let’s name a few scientologists:  Beck (damn, that one really hurt), Giovanni Ribisi, Marissa Ribisi (wife of Beck since 2004 & Giovanni’s twin sister) Jason Lee (man down!), John Travolta (he was always kind of weird), Kirstie Alley, Nicole Kidman, Priscilla & Lisa Marie Presley (could have guessed that one, right?), Kelly Preston, Jenna Elfman & Juliette Lewis.  A cornucopia of celebrities all mixed together under the mysterious roof of Scientology.

Scientology, why it has the prefix of science I’ll never know, is a “religion” based on the beliefs, teachings, practices, and rituals that originated as a philosophy in 1952 by ex-sci-fi writer, L. Ron Hubbard, and characterized by the Church of Scientology in 1953 as an “applied religious philosophy”. Hubbard defined the word “Scientology” to mean “a study of knowledge”.  Hmmm, you know if Douglas Adams or Stephen King came out with a religion, I’d have to be a little skeptical. 

According to freedicionary.com, Scientology is “a new religion founded by L. Ron Hubbard in 1955 and characterized by a belief in the power of a person’s spirit to clear itself of past painful experiences through self-knowledge and spiritual fulfillment.” 

All that is well & good, although I almost feel that the Church of Scientology might have had something to do with that vague definition.  Scientology is like a really pretty, but crazy girl.  She looks great & you’re having a nice time getting to know her, but it gets pretty freekin’ weird pretty freekin’ fast.  Scientologists believe that most human problems can be traced to lingering spirits of an extraterrestrial people massacred by their ruler, Xenu, over 75 million years ago. 

These spirits (Thetans) then attached themselves to individuals in the contemporary world, causing spiritual harm and negatively influencing the lives of their host; for example drug abuse, rape, Michael Jackson, etc.  Your job as a Scientologist is to purify yourself of these attached spirits, therefore clearing oneself  ”of past painful experiences through self-knowledge and spiritual fulfillment”.  Wow.  It’s amazing indeed how vague the freedictionary.com definition truly is.

Having spilled some of the beans on Scientology, it strikes me as hilarious, laughable that Isaac Hayes & Tom Cruise are pulling South Park shinanigans after an episode made fun of the religion.  Hayes has been the voice of Chef for going on 10 years now & has poked fun of Christianity, Judaism & every other thought-of religion.  Yet he backed up his resignation from the show with the statement, “Religious beliefs are sacred to people and at all times should be respected and honored.”

South Park creators Trey Parker & Matt Stone issued a statement themselves to Daily Variety saying, “So, Scientology, you may have won this battle, but the million-year battle for earth has just begun!  Temporarily anozinizing our episode will not stop us from keeping Thetans forever trapped in your pitiful man-bodies.  Curses & drat!  You have obstructed us now, but your feeble bid to save humanity will fail!  Hail Zenu.  The statement was signed “Trey Parker and Matt Stone, the servants to the dark lord Xenu.”

Those boys, they just keep me laughing.

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Colin Farrell’s ex-girlfriend, former Playboy Playmate Nicole Narain, will make some big bucks if their 14-minute sex tape goes public.  Narain will receive a $3 million advance payment from Internet Commerce Group (ICG) to distribute the film; on top of paying her legal fees, if need be, up to $60,000.

The Irish Phone Booth star is indeed suing Narain and trying to stop the release of the sexy tape that they made three years ago during a brief romance.  The suit states that the release of the video would cause irreparable damage to Farrell’s career and reputation.  Ummmmm….  Does anyone remember Tommy Lee or Pamela Anderson’s careers taking nosedives after their infamous boating adventure?  I quite remember the opposite. 

Farrell is seeking general and compensatory damages as well as a temporary restraining order and injunction prohibiting the sale and exploitation of the videotape. Farrell is just the latest in line of celebrities who have shared their intimate moments with us on camera.  When will they ever learn?  Film it, enjoy it & burn it has always been my policy.

Reportedly in the tape, a video-camera-in-tote Farrell focuses in on Narain’s white cat and comments, “Baby, you have the most beautiful p—y,” that is, according to the New York Post.

Narain, whose physical attributes include a tattoo on her rear and a pierced tongue, displays the latter for the lens. Farrell responds in kind, saying, “I could do this breakfast, lunch and dinner.”   The sexy duo then apparently proceed to try out a variety of steamy sexual positions, hopefully without the cat playing along. 

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PopSugar had a great little post today about The Dukes of Hazard star, Jessica Simpson.  She has apparently been inspired by Angelina Jolie and wishes to adopt in the future. 

Here is PopSugar now:

Jessica Simpson may still be in DC to promote Operation Smile, but she is already planning for another big project. Jessica has been inspired by Angelina Jolie and has expressed an interest in adopting kids before having any of her own. She said:

“I think Angelina Jolie has done amazing, amazing things and the international adoption rate just since her (decision to adopt) has skyrocketed. It’s unbelievable. “I want to adopt and I plan to adopt before I have my own kids.” And Simpson is hoping she can inspire other wannabe mums to follow her example by urging politicians to help cut through red tape that prevents certain couples from adopting.

Jess sure is hard at work spreading the peace and other do-good things. It is nice to see her do something other than shopping.

She has been a busy girl in D.C., dissing Dubya & planning adoptions.  What a role model, what a peach.  I think I would be okay with being Jessica’s baby- I wouldn’t mind sucking on that pair any day.

 

This St. Patrick’s Day I thought we would raise our whiskeys to Irish hunks.  Who could think of a better way to celebrate the Emerald Isle?

First off is bad boy Colin Farrell.  This Alexander hunk was born in Dublin May 31, 1976.  Did anyone else think he was a wee older than that?  I guess the drink does that to a man.  Despite his ongoing sex tape lawsuit & rehab stints, this dark-haired dream boat still catches my fancy. 

Notable Quote: ”I love the pints and I love good times and laughter and singing a song and being with people. There’s nothing like it. If I’m not going to enjoy this life, just give it to someone else.”

Cillian Murphy was born in Cork, Ireland.  He has brightened the screen in such films as Cold Mountain & Girl with a Pearl Earring.  Unfortunately, he’ll always be the creepy & demented Scarecrow from Batman Begins.

Notable Quote: “I am a person who has always needed companionship,” he says. “I’m not very good at being alone. And I should know, I’ve tried it. As for the fame thing, I never intended this to happen and my life, really, hasn’t changed dramatically. But, yes, it does help to have a stable relationship in my life. And no matter what happens I would hope to hold on to the things in life that are most important to me.”

Ex-boyfriend of Charlize Theron is next on our Irish Hunks list, Stuart Townsend.  With those piercing eyes & Irish sensibility, this star is headed for great things.  Do you ever have those “Ohhhh, that was him?” moments?  I just had one with ole Townsend here, so he was the rock star vampire Lestat in Queen of the Damned.  I can see what Theron saw in this fair skinned young man. 

Notable Quote: “Acting is great. You spend your whole life trying to get it right.”

Well, you can’t forget your elders.  Pierce Brosnan has drawn us in with his stellar performances as Bond, James Bond.  With his alluring and sexy persona I can see why he was chosen for the acclaimed role.  Too bad it’s all over now.

Notable Quote: “I know most actors say otherwise, but I like sex scenes. Bond was supposed to be this great lover, but I always found the love scenes in those movies a little dull. It’s lovely to work out the fantasy of it all in celluloid and then go home to my wife.”

Well, the Irish have done us proud with these fine male specimens.  I raise my Bushmills in their general direction.

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Well, it looks like Hollywood’s most hilarious bachelor is off the market, ladies.  Jack Black has eloped with his girlfriend Tanya Haden.  The couple first met while they were attending a private performing arts high school in Santa Monica, California, but were not romantically involved.  But now that Jack it making the big bucks, his cute little antics and rounded features are much more appealing.

According to the bride’s father, jazz bassist Charlie Haden, “They love each other very much.  We’re thrilled.”

Tanya Haden is one of a set of triplets.  Like her father, she is a musician and played cello in the Hayden Triplets (how cute) with her sisters Rachel & Peta.  Peta recently released the acclaimed a cappella album The Who Sell Out.

Black & Haden began dating when they bumped into each other last April at a mutual friend’s birthday party, where good old Tenacious D just happened to be performing.

After the initial re-meeting Black said, “Tanya was there.  I got really nervous and I talked to her… and it’s been great.  I’m really crazy about her.”

Black reportedly proposed to the cello-playing triplet right after Christmas, presenting her with a $220,000 ring from celebrity jeweler Neil Lane.  A celebrity a non-celebrity marriage.  I like it.  Maybe we won’t hear about “irreconcilable differences” too soon.

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You can now rest easy, the wait is truly over.  Star Wars fans world wide are tingling with excitement.  Star Wars creator George Lucas has agreed to write a 100-episode TV series of the classic sci-fi epic. 

The much-awaited series will concentrate on the missing years between Revenge of the Sith, 2005, and the original Star Wars movie, released in 1977.

Producer Rick McCullum said at last Monday evening’s Empire Awards, “We’re very excited, we just, we just got confirmation George Lucas has committed to writing the Star Wars TV series.  I guess this is the news all fans have been waiting to hear.”

I think the news all Star Wars fans have been waiting to hear would go like this, “I will be your Leia, I will come to you in the night- naked, wet and just waiting for you to command me, you giant of a man.”

Filming on the series is expected to commence next year. 

It’s been a busy week for creative mind George Lucas.  On Monday the filmmaker was recognized by none other than President George W. Bush for his achievement in technology.  Lucas received a National Medal of Science and Technology for his company’s innovative visual effects in films. 

Lucas & the president of his company were among 15 people awarded for their revolutionary work in a ceremony held at the White House.  Before awarding each recipient Bush said, “The spirit of discovery is one of our national strengths.”

Too true.  I wonder if Clinton mentioned this same thought to Monica regarding the mischievous cigar…..

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Well, it looks like a pack of wild hogs are after Disney.  The Hell’s Angels Motorcycle Corporation is suing a division of Walt Disney, Buena Vista Motion Pictures & a film production company for infringing on its signature trademark in the development and production of Wild Hogs, a comedy about middle-aged bikes expected to start film production in late spring.

According to their website, Hell’s Angels is the largest motorcylce club in the world & was founded in San Bernardino in 1948.  Their trademark is a skull be-helmeted & horned with feathered wings.  The club says in the suit against Disney that they never approved use of its trademark, and that the film studio has repeatedly exploited the Hell’s Angels name as well as their signature design while publicizing the Wild Hogs movie. 

Disney spokesman David Caoutte states, “We believe the suit is without merit.”

Let’s hope so for Disney’s sake.  I don’t think they can take another bruised beating.  What happened to just Mickey & Minnie, I wonder?  The innocent days before wild, feathered hogs took the stage.

Tim Allen, John Travolta (scientologist-at-large) & hilarious (possibly written with a note of sarcasm) Martin Lawrence are slated to star in the upcoming (if it all works out with the real wild hogs) film.  I can’t wait.

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Oscar-winner and funnyman Robin Williams is making good on a promise.  Williams insists he will care for the orphaned son of Christopher & Dana Reeve, after the teenager’s mother died of lung cancer last week.

Williams & Superman Christopher Reeve, who died October 2004) were always close, after having studied together at the Julliard school of drama in New York City.  After Reeve suffered from the riding accident in 1995 which left him paralyzed from the neck down, the One Hour Photo star was quick to assure the family that he would never desert them, or make dessert out of them.  He is standing by his vow and is up for caring for 13-year-old Will. 

A relative of Dana Reeve said, “He has already been making good on a promise he made to Chris in 1995.  They were closer than brothers and Robin swore then and there that he would look after Dana and Will after Chris was gone.  Both of them knew Chris might not last long but neither of them could possibly have imagined the tragedy that would befall Dana so soon after Chris’ own death.”

Dana Reeve died March 6th of lung cancer despite being a non-smoker, she was diagnosed in August of last year.  She was respected and admired world-wide for her dedicated research on stem cells & paralysis as well as supporting and standing beside her husband after his riding accident that occurred after only three years of marriage.

In his autobiography, Still Me, Christopher Reeve wrote that he suggested early on to his wife, “Maybe we should let me go.” She responded, “I’ll be with you for the long haul, no matter what. You’re still you and I love you.”

Those were “the words that saved my life,” Christopher Reeve said.

That is really beautiful, I have to say. 

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What a great title, I must say; a real eye-catcher.  What ever happened to sticking to your guns, abiding by your morals, vying for roles not for the Oscars, but for the experience?  Ask teen queen Lindsay Lohan.

Lohan is so keen to bring an Oscar home (a task I’m not sure she has the umm, talent for) that she would abandon her no-nudity clause and bare her breasts (didn’t we already just about see every inch?) if an award-winning role came along.

The Freaky Friday teen queen (I can’t help but love that Lohan hates being called that) is hesitant to appear naked on screen, but admits she does have her price (and from the looks of it, so does her implant surgeon).

She tells the New York Daily News, “I’m okay with being topless in front of people, but I’m not sure if I’d want to do it on-screen.  If it’s a role that’s going to win me an Oscar, it would be different.”

You know, somehow I just can’t see gum-smacking teen queen Lindsay Lohan in a Monster or a Walk the Line.  But maybe that’s just me.

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The monster of a beauty Charlize Theron & Irish actor Stuart Townsend have reportedly split, broken up, gone their separate ways, called it quits, thrown in the relationship towel as it were. 

The famous couple have broken their long-term relationship after work commitments forced them apart.  Theron & Townsend have been a steady couple for over five years.  The glamorous Hollywood actress has been spotted recently at such bashes as the BAFTA’s & the Oscars without Townsend at her side.

A friend of the actress told British newspaper The Sun, “Charlize is free and single again.  Her relationship with Stuart is well and truly over.  They just grew apart.  It wasn’t always easy because filming often kept them apart for months.”

Theron stated recently stated she had no intention of marrying her now former beau insisting, “It’s not really what I want, or what he wants.”

Which really translates to, “It’s really what I want, but the bastard won’t formally commit.”

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Former Sex Pistols lead singer Johnny Rotten, who now goes by his birth name John Lydon, has nothing but punk rock hatred for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.  The Sex Pistols were inducted into the hall of fame last night, without the surviving members present.

Joh Lydon appeared as a guest on ABC’s talk show Jimmy Kimmel Live last Friday and was asked why he and his two partners from the punk band were snubbing the hall.

“They never cared who we were,” Lydon said.  “They never bothered to correct the incredible fatal, bad mistakes about our legend and legacy in their museum and up until now, they’ve rejected our nomination for three years running, and now they want a piece of us.”

“Well guess what?  Kiss this!,” Lydon said, making a somewhat rude gesture.

“When I began as a Sex Pistol, there was no Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and suddenly this organization is put on top of us like we have an obligation to them.  Well, it’s the other way around,  Don’t use my name to prop your (expletive) nonsense.”

When it was first announced last month that the group would finally be inducted into the hall, the Sex Pistols declined the ‘honor’ with a nasty little message posted on their site. 

You know, it’s good to have the boys rattled about something, everyone needs an enemy to punk rock against.  Mine is the pimple.  I go batty on those evil face dwellers, I have my own decree written on worn paper by the bathroom mirror:

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?  Take this pimple, take them all before I start a punk rock brawl.  It is not me that makes them come, I don’t know why I have this scum.  I will rebel, run like hell, say farewell- not on me will these bastards dwell.  I have to fight, for it’s my right, to save my pretty face from this plight.  So, you better watch out, you better not taut- ’cause I ain’t goin out with out a damn loud shout.

It works every time.

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Heather Locklear has requested that the second judge in her divorce case to be removed, just one week after her estranged husband, Richie Sambora, challenged the objectivity of the first judge.

Locklear’s attorney, Lance Spiegel, filed a challenge last week claiming that the Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Mark Juhas is biased against Locklear and would prevent her from receiving “a fair and impartial trial or hearing.”

The court accepted the challenge and the case will be reassigned.  The pair wed in 1994 and have one daughter together.

You know, they’re like kids fighting together on the playground.  “I don’t like your ball, let’s play with mine.”  “No, your ball sucks, let’s play with mine.”  “Your ball is an unfair and partial ball and I will have nothing to do with it.  “Well, your ball isn’t very objective and I’m going to throw it out.”

Jeez, I can come up with way better ideas to waste money & time.

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Boy George was able to plea bargain his case last week regarding his arrest last year on a cocaine charge.  He agreed to enter a drug rehabilitation program and perform community service.  So, when you see the inmates off the interstate picking up litter, say a hello to George.

The former pop star, who’s real name is George O’Dowd, entered his guilty plea to third-degree false reporting if an incident in Manhattan Criminal Court.  Under the deal, O’Dowd will enter a drug program in England and perform five days (only five?) of community service in Manhattan.  He will pay a $1,000 fine and must avoid being nabbed by the coppers for the next six months.

“I am relived and happy that this case has been disposed of, and I would like to thank the judge, the district attorney and my attorney, Lou Freeman, for the fair and speedy way it was dealt with,” O’Dowd stated.  “I love New York, and I am looking forward to coming back and working in the states later this year (as a male prostitute).”

Hmmmm…. What ways can we think of for Georgie boy’s community service?  How about he has to burn all of the Culture Club albums?  Or he has to eat Kate Moss, an easy digestive task?  Or he has to officially break up TomKat- a true community service?  No matter what the Boy has to do, I’m sure it will not be as humiliating as it should be for all the musical irritation he has caused the world.

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According to Chanel’s company head designer, Karl Lagerfeld, druggie Kate Moss is expected to reunite with the French firm.  Chanel famously dumped the catwalk queen last year for her nose being involved in a less fortunate purpose, snorting cocaine. 

Lagerfeld states, “I think she will be more successful than ever.  Chanel will sign her.  She is born to survive.” 

I rather see Kate Moss’ campaign as, ‘Kate Moss.  Born to be with charlie.’

Kate made news of another sort last week with ex-boyfriend Pete Doherty.  If ever there was an example of a true punk rocker, it’s Pete Doherty.  Erratic behavior, constantly in trouble with the law & causing a ruckus and, as always, sex and drugs.

After Doherty left court last Thursday after another appearance on drug charges, the 26-year-old Baby Shambles frontman ran to his gold Jaguar from the Thames Magistrates’ Court in east London.  Surrounded by photographers, fans & on-lookers, Doherty used a  felt-tip pen to scrawl “I love Kate 4 eva” on the windshield.  He also wrote “QPR” in a tribute to his favorite European football team, Queens Park Rangers, before he drove off into the London traffic with horn blaring.

What a sweetie.  If I was Kate, I would instantly take the boy back, after all- he did remember to write her name before his favorite football team, right?  Ole Kate is the perfect mate for Pete, don’t ya think?  Both a little bit crazy and always with their nose in the white stuff. 

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It looks like hunky David Hasselhoff is in for some rocky divorce waters with his estranged wife, Pamela Bach.  On January 13, 2006, Hasselhoff announced his filing for divorce from Bach after 16 years of marriage, citing “irreconcilable differences”. His publicist has stated that the couple has agreed to an amicable settlement. However, on March 9, 2006 Bach accused Hasselhoff of violent behavior towards her.

This week Bach petitioned a Los Angeles Superior Court for a temporary restraining order against the Baywatch star.  She stated that he had “roughed her up” on at least one occasion and felt the move was necessary for her safety.  Oh, what drama.

This was the second marriage (& failed marriage) for Hasselhoff, hew was previously hitched to actress Catherine Hickland from 1984 to 1989.  I say this to David, the whole country of Germany loves you and desires you- move there and live in polygamy harmony.

As far as the restraining order goes, I would have done it years ago, Pamela.  A guy who poses nude with Shar Pei puppies, has at least a screw or two loose.

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