Morrissey is pointing the finger at Kate Moss and playing the blame game.  Morrissey holds Moss responsible for the troubled Babyshambles frontman Pete Doherty’s drug problems- and apparent Jaguar-buying addiction.

The Everyday Is Like Sunday singer states, “I think it is unfortunate that he is more associated with the media and the press and hoo-ha and the silliness than he is with music.  It’s a terrible trap and he’s jumped straight into it.  And Kate Moss has just dragged him down to her level.”

Pete- look out, it’s a trap!  A terrible, terrible trap.  And Kate Moss is the bait.

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Well, there it was.  Sunday, VH1.  Tori Spelling has us wondering, “Did we really peg her wrong?  Is she just the unwitting product of a superficial wealthy Beverly Hills family that has a lot to offer the acting community?”  Answer is- no, not really.

Tori Spelling’s not-so-fictional sitcom ‘So NoTORIous’ aired last night to an anxious and awaiting audience.  Was it going to flop?  Was she going to release the giant boobies from hell and devour a nation with her imperfect diction?  Yes. 

‘So NoTORIous’ left us all accepting that Tori is indeed the end product of spoiling-gone-bad and beyond.  From dressing up her pug pooch Mimi La Rue in posh little outfits, being ignored by her eBay-shopaholic mother- played by Loni Anderson, to communicating with her father only by speakerphone, it’s no wonder NBC scratched the sitcom.

NBC developed the show and then rejected the monster after its creation, sending it to live with the other shut-outs at VH1 who went after it tooth-and-nail. 

It looks like Tori is going to try and tackle Scientology on the next show, I guess it’s the next best thing for Tori than tackling ”religious” spokesman Tom Cruise himself.  Tune in next Sunday and see what antics ensue, me I’d rather push my face down a disposal full of boiled, turned okra.

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Ahh, the old ‘deny, deny, deny’ trick, an oldie but a goodie.  Superfreak Naomi Campbell denies hurling her cell phone at her assistant last Thursday, despite the fact that the “victim” received treatment for four stitches to the back of her head at nearby NYC’s Lenox Hill Hospital. 

Naomi faces seven years jail time, I can’t imagine that those years would be pretty for her, after being charged with assault in a New York City Court.  Campbell denies the charge and says it was “falsely” brought against her as a revenge for sacking the same employee earlier Thursday.  Naomi calms our prevalent fears saying, “I am fine.  The police have been really nice.  It won’t be the first time I have been extorted.”  She must have left out, “Or the first time I had to hit the bitch.”

The judge assigned to Campbell’s case put up a bail of $3500, all Naomi could apparently afford after all her run-ins with the law, and demanded that she reappear in court this June where she will answer to her charge of felony assault. 

And still Naomi Campbell remains employed by fashion designers everywhere.  Can I get a job like that?  Beat up on my assistants, be on constant terms with the police and say I’m being extorted and still be able to show up to work the next day?!  That’s pretty sweet, must be what Pete Doherty enjoys every day.

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Are Dave & Pam finally ready to move on?  The bitter divorce between David & Pamela Hasselhoff which has seen its fair share of domestic violence allegations and restraining orders may be close to an end.  It looks like both parties are agreeing to the terms reached in their divorce settlement.  David will be carted off to Germany to live out his days with a house of six sexy frauleins and Pamela will have her own reality TV show, “My Life with David- Living with the Ape Man”.

TMZ.com has allegedly obtained court documents which include David Hasselhoff’s lawyer, Marci Levine, stating in an email, “We believe that we may have reached a full resolution of the custody and visitation issue and are in the process of preparing a formal judgment.”

The memo asks that all restraining orders and ape hair removal regiments to stay in effect for the time being.  The former Baywatch star, David Hasselhoff is to “remove his personal effect from the family residence” on April 19, provided that there is a “neutral, third party present at the exchange”.

So, now that we have the kids worked out, what about the property settlement?  Man, are we going to have to go through this mess again?  One thing’s for sure, I know Pamela will be happy to start taking down all those tacky posters of David from the early years.  What was he thinking?  Hairy speedo ape man & the naked with shar peis poster?  The guy clearly has issues, or his agent does.

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Well folks, when RottenTomatoes gives a film the ‘ROTTEN’ rating, you have to believe it’s true- but that did not stop me from seeing Michael Caton-Jones’s Basic Instinct 2 in the theatre this weekend, though it should have.

The sequel to the long-loved 1992 Basic Instinct that starred Michael Douglas and Sharon Stone, failed to live up to the original film’s clarity and left the audience soft and wanting more.  Pulp author Catherine Tramell (Sharon Stone) is once again a suspect in a murder, this time in London.  David Morrissey, who plays the leading man Dr. Michael Glass, is called in to interrogate the femme fatale Stone. 

Through scenes of driving off a bridge just to achieve orgasm, horribly over-the-top dialogue, gratuitous nudity and Stone’s disdain for underwear, the film entices yet does not deliver.  Rent a porn, you’ll have a better, if not a more private, time. 

To quote Matt Pais from the ‘Chicago Tribune’, “Stone’s physique has resisted sagging but the film droops immediately.”

Despite the film’s disappointment, Stone remains an interesting individual in my eye.  In a recent ABC story, Stone is drawn as a sexy, vibrant and brave woman.  At 48 years old, Sharon Stone emits a strong sexuality that few women half her age achieve. 

When asked by reporters she, at the age of 48, would want to appear in Basic Instinct 2 completely naked she stated, “I thought it would be intriguing to do the nudity in a way that is just quite brazen.  People are going to have this moment where they think, ‘Oh, she’s not 20 and naked.  She’s 40-something and naked and what do I think about that?’  Because we’re not used to seeing that in movies.”

The first Basic Instinct was filmed over 14 years ago and was a racy film to hit theaters, but Stone wanted to push the envelope a little bit more this go-round.  “I wanted a lot of sex in the sequel, and I wanted more nudity.  I was coming from a really kinky place.”  Can I come visit this place with you, Sharon?

So, I’ll keep Stone and you can drive the Basic Instinct 2 flop of a film off a cliff and see if it can then cause a rise in our pants.

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I checked out Defamer’s Sharon Stone post today which made me crack a few laughs.  In honor of Basic Instinct 2 appearing in theatres this weekend, enjoy this little post to get your excitement and anticipation going.

“In honor of Sharon Stone’s courageous contribution to the pantheon of ridiculously bad movies gay men will quote frequently, we offer a round-up of today’s scathing Basic Instinct 2 reviews :

“· “It should come as no surprise that “Basic Instinct 2,” the long-gestating follow-up to Paul Verhoeven’s 1992 blip on the zeitgeist screen, is a disaster of the highest or perhaps lowest order. ” [NY Times]
· “At this point, there are inflatable toys that are livelier than Stone, but how can you tell the difference? “Basic Instinct 2″ is not an erotic thriller. It’s taxidermy.” [NY Post]
· “What we may very well be looking at here is another “Showgirls,” a drag camp-fest for the “Baby Jane” crowd, fabulous fodder for future cabaret acts, and a pleasure probably best enjoyed in a crowd — preferably a vocal one.” [LAT]
· “The plot has no credibility. The goings-on are not suspenseful, despite a series of gory slayings.” [USA Today]
· “Absurdly overheated and unforgivably dull, “Basic Instinct 2″ is the accidental comedy sensation of the year to date, and while some of the people involved seem to be in on the joke, director Michael Caton-Jones isn’t one of them.” [Boston Globe]
· “It doesn’t help that co-star Morrissey — who serves as the audience point of view and has most of the screen time — is a charisma-challenged non-entity. Clearly, the producers could not induce a male star of any stature to take on the thankless role.” [Seattle PI]
· “Where is the suspense part? There is no suspense part. Suspense demands clarity of motive and action, and this screenplay never provides it.” [Washington Post]“”

Wishing you all good weekends full of fun and lacking stabbing ice picks.  See you Monday with my own Instinct review & the Sharon Stone is a Sexy Old Lady post.

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Superfreak, I mean supermodel, Naomi Campbell was arrested yesterday at her home in New York City.  The charge- allegedly assaulting her personal assistant, yet again.  This particular incident occurred at 8am Thursday where the victim, a 41-year-old woman, was struck in the head by an unknown flying object and was taken to nearby Lenox Hill Hospital for stitches due to a laceration on the back of her head.

Campbell was arrested immediately following and taken to the Midtown North Precinct in New York.  A representative for the prone-to-hitting-personal-assistants-with-blunt-objects Campbell stated, “We believe this is a case of retaliation, because Naomi has fired her housekeeper earlier this morning.  We are confident the courts will see it the same way (or they too will be sleeping with the fishes).”  Wow, the rep made it sound like a mob kinda thing, I can see that.  Naomi is the crazy, antic-ridden, out-of-control boss who everyone is afraid to approach.  Very understandable. 

This is not the first offense for Naomi, who revels in tormenting her personal assistants.  In 1998 Campbell was accused of punching personal assistant Georgina Galanis and hitting her with a telephone at a luxury hotel in Toronto.  In the year 2000, assistant & secretary Vanessa Frisbee (Frisbee??) accused Campbell of attacking her for refusing to cover up her extramarital affair.  In 2004, housemaid Millicent Burton pointed the finger at Campbell for kicking, scratching and slapping her.  2004, personal assistant Simone Craig files assault and battery charges alleging that Campbell held her hostage in a LA hotel and in 2005 Naomi “You’re gonna sleep with the fishes, bitch” Campbell, as those in her mob family lovingly call her, she beat an assistant over the head with a Blackberry during an argument in Brazil.

So all in all, Naomi is a girl whose passion is only equal to that of Mike Tyson.  You can take the girl out of the ghetto, but you can’t take the ghetto out of the girl I guess.

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Tori Spelling, seen here with her fiance actor Dean McDermott, has big boobies, I do not lie.  I’m not sure I remember them being that size during the 90210 years as seen below.  I guess they just get bigger as you blossom into a fruity, flighty socialite butterfly.  I think I need to try that approach, I have always wanted pretty, silken wings.

Spelling is getting pumped up at Jimmy’s Lounge in LA for her upcoming VH1 premier.  Her new show which hits TV’s this Sunday is entitled “So NoTORIous“.  Oh, I get it.  It’s her first name and the word ‘notorious’ crammed together to make a hilarious TV show title, how cute & original.

Spelling will star as a “fictionalized” actress surrounded by an eclectic groups of pals such as her former nanny, a devoted manager, a self-absorbed roommate and a real estate agent.  Loni Anderson (that should make for some laughs) will star as Spelling’s mom, a demanding Beverly Hills housewife, is there any other kind?  And the 32-year-old Spelling’s pet pug Mimi La Rue, will be playing herself.  How adorable.  I hope they dress her up in sweet little clothing and let her prance around the house, I just can’t wait.

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Ocean’s Thirteen is being fast-tracked and is scheduled for a summer 2007 theatre release.  Wow, that’s a relief, I thought I was going to have to wait until Christmas 2007 to see this wonder of a film.  But seriously, I was with Steve Soderbergh on the first one, thought it was a cute remake heist film.  George Clooney always tickles my fancy and Matt Damon, in the right light, looks like my husband. 

Ocean’s Twelve, now, is a bird of a different color.  It was awkward, unclear, lacking that campy style the first one exuded so well and overall made me think that they were just making this film to capitalize on the interest of the first without adding creative and new content.

And now Ocean’s Thirteen is in production?  I have to say that I had more hope for Clooney than to steer his career in this path.  Julia Roberts and Catherine Zeta-Jones apparently knew when to quit, and have not signed up for this sequel to the sequel.  Ellen Barkin will be playing the leading lady and will be closely involved with Matt Damon’s character. 

Brad Pitt, Andy Garcia, Don Cheadle, Bernie Mac, Casey Affleck (well, what else was he going to do?), Scott Cann, Carl Reiner and Elliott Gould will also be returning in the Thirteen.  You know, amongst the Chinese, the number thirteen is considered lucky and commonly associated with wealth, however in the US, the number thirteen is regarded as an unlucky number best avoided.  Since this film is being filmed in Burbank, California- a city in a US state- I can only assume that this will be an unlucky project at best.

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Britney Spears has made it into the sculpting medium. No, not a Cynthia Plastercaster move, more of a pro-life project. A life-size sculpture of a naked Britney (my life now has passion & meaning) kneeling on a bearskin rug (huh?) as she gives birth (did those in the medical field change the birthing position from the missionary to the doggie style?) will be on display next month at Brooklyn’s Capla Kesting Fine Art Gallery. You’re booking tickets now, aren’t you?

The sculpture, which Brit had nothing to do with, is set to appear next to a display case filled with anti-abortion material. The sculpture, created by artist Daniel Edwards, is entitled “Monument to Pro-Life: The Birth of Sean Preston”. I feel like a more appropriate title would have been “Monument to BritKev: The Birth of a Destined Redneck”.

Britney & Kevin Federline pro-life? Who knew? After that whole risking-the-life-of-your-baby-in-a-moving-vehicle thing. Edwards states he has not met the pop star, “I admire her. This is an idealized figure.” Yeah, I’d say. It’s more of an idealized version of giving birth to wild fantasies with a naked, pregnant Spears caressing a bear head.

You can catch Britney on Will & Grace tomorrow night, where she will grace us with her pop star presence, whether you will it or not.

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Documentary filmmaker Morgan Spurlock made headlines by not considering his audience for his speech at Hatboro-Horsham High School in Philadelphia last week.  His perfect audience would apparently consist of non-McDonald’s employees or people who know & enjoy the company of McDonald’s employees, no teachers or anyone who knows & enjoys the company of teachers & no special needs children or those who know & enjoy the company of special needs children.

During a lecture last week where Morgan Spurlock was invited to speak at Hatboro-Horsham High, the Super Size Me filmmaker’s speech was cut short and another that was planned later that day in town was cancelled when Spurlock joked about the intelligence of McDonald’s employees, teachers who smoke marijuana & special needs children.  Hmmmm.  Talk about not considering your audience at a venue where many teenagers probably work part-time jobs at McDonald’s and where you might, quite possibly run into a few teachers at a high school.

The be-stashed Spurlock has since posted an apology on his website stating, “It was never my intent to insult or demean anyone- and I understand how some of my remarks may have offended some in attendance and if you feel they did, then I am deeply sorry.”  He also told a local newspaper that he hadn’t thought of the audience when planning his talk and could have chosen this words better.

You know, I like that.  Most people do consider their audience when planning a public speech.  I doubt it would be in my best interest to speak about the illogical nature of Scientology at a toast for Tom Cruise.  But, I like that Spurlock appears to be above this level of sensitivity.  I think I just might have to use this tactic at work.  “I know that many of you sitting here today are, in one word, idiots, now back to the that PowerPoint presentation, Sarah.”

Ahhhhh, the freedom of carefree insensitivity.  Try it today. 

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On TheSuperficial today, you can distract yourself and your fellow workers with none other than a Pamela Anderson Hard Rock nipple.  While at the Los Angeles Hard Rock Cafe Anderson stopped to sign a few autographs as well as inspire a few pants to rise in the chain restaurant. 

“Anybody can show off their nipples through a white t-shirt, but it takes a true pioneer like Pamela Anderson to manage it while still wearing a bra. With women like this wandering around, it makes me wonder whether investing my entire life savings to invent X-Ray glasses is even worth it. My financial advisor says no, but my heart says yes.”

I’ve always said to myself, “That Pamela Anderson, she is a true pioneer.  She has discovered tribal spousal aggression, been involved with the less fortunate, gained speed against fur trade, maintained prominent support from small boys and even now she is a steel rod in the structure of female equality & respect.”  Yep, I’ve always said that.

Scientologist Isaac Hayes has slammed & denied reports that a stroke was the real cause of his departure from South Park.  Earlier this month a frenzy ensued when Hayes issued a statement that he was leaving the show, after voicing the role of Chef since 1997, because of the show’s lack of sensitivity towards religious groups.  Apparently it took Hayes almost a decade of poking the irreverent stick at religions to grow concerned about his actions.  But, you know, maybe, just maybe, it was because of that whole Scientology episode….

Another possible reason has come to light for Hayes’s retirement from South Park.  Last week a report stated that Hayes had suffered a stroke in January and was unable to stroke his soulful voice into a hard day’s work.  Isaac Hayes Entertainment spokesperson Amy Harnell has since denied this report and stated that the singer had not been debilitated by a stroke, rather had checked himself into a Tennessee hospital for high blood pressure & exhaustion.  Tennessee?  A black hole state where you’re likely to lose your dog, your wallet and you wife and end up being the story of a country song.  I just don’t see Isaac as a Tennessee man, more like a Chicago or NY City man.  Maybe he likes rocking chairs, whittling and young, white country women, who knows.  He is on his fourth wife after all.

I do know that this stoke thing is a bit silly, as we all know he had a Scientology stroke several years back and I’ve been rooting for the Thetans ever since.  The 10th season of South Park premiered on Comedy Central last Wednesday.  With the fracas of Hayes quitting due to the evil grips of Scientology on the horizon, creators Matt Stone & Trey Parker crafted an episode in which Chef was brainwashed by the mysterious ”Super Adventure Club”.  Stone & Parker used Isaac’s past voice work to piece together the voice of the loveable ladykiller Chef.  The show drew 3.5 million US viewers, the most since 2002.

So for high TV ratings, loose the Scientologist and regain your audience.  Is that the lesson here?

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Gwyneth Paltrow & Coldplay rocker husband Chris Martin are crossing their fingers for a boy. Paltrow is expected to give birth in May and is planning to give birth to her second child underwater, a new trend that has been gaining speed and acclaim the past several years.

As we all probably know, Paltrow & Martin bestowed upon their baby girl, born May 2004- they really like this whole May thing, the name Apple Blythe Alison Martin; a mouth-watering mouth-full.

She explained herself & her choice of name on Oprah saying, “It sounded so sweet and it conjured such a lovely picture for me – you know, apples are so sweet and they’re wholesome and it’s biblical – and I just thought it sounded so lovely and…clean! And I just thought, ‘Perfect!’”

So, I was expecting in the same ilk for the new baby bump. Maybe Lamb Donner Squeaky Sugar Martin. You know, it’s sweet, wholesome, biblical and clean. It looks like I shouldn’t have bet the mortgage on this one.

Paltrow & Martin, if they have a boy, will be naming the baby after Paltrow’s godfather Stephen Spielberg, whom she loving calls Uncle Morty. They will be naming the child Mortimer. Morty & Apple sitting in a tree, C-O-N-F-U-S-E-D. First comes humiliation, then comes depression, then comes name calling in a baby carriage.

You know, they still could use the name Lamb Donner Squeaky Sugar Martin, they haven’t said what their plan is if it’s a girl.

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David Hasselhoff, hairy man extraordinaire at large, is firing back at claims from his estranged wife Pamela Hasselhoff that he was an abusive husband.  Does this photo look like a man capable of spousal abuse, a man with demons inside just waiting for the appropriate irritation to let them loose on his victim?  Maybe.  Possibly.  Even probably.

Pamela Hasselhoff has won a restraining order from a Los Angeles court after claiming in court documents that the Knight Rider “star” once screamed profanities at her in front of their children and slammed her into a car.  You know, if that really is the case- I’ve got plenty of neighbors who need restraining orders.

Ex-Baywatch “star” Hasselhoff denies these allegations saying that they are a figment of her imagination.  Hmmm, I like that approach.  I’m not really robbing your bank and taking this sack-full of cash, it’s just a figment of your imagination.  Yeah, I like that.

Hasselhoff’s publicist stated, “David Hasselhoff categorically denies that he has engaged in the conduct alleged by his wife.  Unfortunately, Mrs. Hasselhoff has personal issues that need to be addressed with the assistance of professionals.  Out of the consideration for his children, which, as always, remains his paramount concern, he is not going to discuss this publicly.”

Damn, I need a publicist.  I can just see the aftermath of my bank robbing adventures now, “Unfortunately, the bank has personal issues that need to be addressed with the assistance of professionals.  Out of the consideration for the bank employees and her own children which, as always, remains her paramount concern, Allison is not going to discuss this publicly.”  Smooth.

It’s Hasselhoff publicists warfare- Pamela’s publicist fires back with, ”We question Mr. Hasselhoff’s statement about his wife requiring professional help. What does that mean? Professional help could mean an agent looking for a job for her. What he is trying to imply is something medical and that is a defamatory statement and we object to that. There has never been an allegation of this type made against Pamela in her career.”

A fabulous and again, smooth response- leaving me with more validation that I, myself could use a good publicist.  They’re better than lawyers, these publicists, they are smooth & eloquent verbal fighters.  I love it.  Don’t fight your own petty battles, just hand them over to your personal publicist.  “Allison would like to date your client, how does he feel about that?”  “My client feels that dating said person would be a devastation to his career as a transvestite tight rope walker and declines the offer, but does appreciate her consideration.”

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I’ve been wondering about old Jakie G lately.  How did he go from the devastatingly bad film The Day After Tomorrow to enlightened movie such as Donnie Darko or Brokeback Mountain?  So, I thought I will round up the history of Jake Gyllenhaal and see what I could find.

Jake was born in Los Angeles, California on December 19, 1980 to director Stephen Gyllenhaal and producer / screenwriter Naomi Foner Gyllenhaal.  Jake has some nobility in his veins, being a descendant if the Swedish noble Gyllenhaal family.  He was raised in the Jewish religion and had his Bar Mitzvah at a homeless shelter, his parents tried to instill a sense of appreciation for his privileged lifestyle.  He is the godson of Jamie Lee Curtis and is a godfather himself to Heath Ledger’s daughter, Matilda Rose. 

Gyllenhaal graduated high school and headed off to Columbia University.  He stayed in college for a couple of year, but dropped out to concentrate on his acting career.  He actually had his film debut at the age eleven in City Slickers (so go grab that movie for the weekend and try to find ole Jake), he then began to establish himself with such films as October Sky before being cast in the title role of the highly acclaimed Donnie Darko.

Jake won attention after his work on Darko which was nominated for an Independent Spirit Award for Bets Actor.  He soon played opposite of reality TV hater Jennifer Aniston in another Sundance favorite, The Good Girl, which also won rave reviews.  So, he’s looking good- in some great films, on his way up, etc.  Then he decides to a part of The Day After Tomorrow in 2004.  This movie was considered to be a commentary on the possible effects of global warming, but all it did for me was think, “Why is Jake in a blockbuster action film?  Where is the Sundance king?”

From Molto Mario, which he played opposite his sister Maggie, to Jarhead, I just keep getting more confused as to what attracts Jake to these roles.  Can it really just be for the money?  He was reportedly paid $6 for his violent Marine role in Jarhead.  But then the Sundance cowboy stuck out his head once again with Ang Lee’s Brokeback Mountain. 

Brokeback won the coveted golden Lion at the Venice Film Festival, four BAFTA Awards and three Academy awards.  So, he must be doing something right, right?  Maybe I just hold Day After Tomorrow grudges.  He will always be the interesting, yet demented, Donni Darko to me.

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Jennifer Aniston has given reality TV a cold, hard slap in the face.  The Friends star is blasting reality shows for breeding a culture that is unnaturally obsessed with the lives of the rich & famous.  Well, I guess I could start being obsessed with the lives of the tattered and poor….

Aniston is so aggravated with the situation, she refuses to watch TV these days.  Better for her I suppose, with Angelina & Brad sucking face on camera and possible wedding plans.

 

Aniston backs up her claims & her TV strike by stating, “What happened to a great half-hour sitcom? (Jeez, you tell us!) It’s all Dancing with the Stars, Knitting with the Stars (That’s kinda cute, actually), Building a Home with the Stars, Living in the Home of Stars!  And then the ripping people to shreds.  Humiliation, degradation.  What is going on?  There’s so much instant gratification, and we want it.  It’s just bizarre.”

“I don’t watch TV anymore.  Nothing.  I have no interest in that idol shit.  Unfortunately the world is in such a state with this war and everything else that it’s easier to look at the triteness of celebrity break-us.  It’s like, ‘Ahh, relief.’  It’s an escape, rather like a daytime soap opera.  There’s nothing left to talk about and I’m just sick of everything about myself.”

She’s sick of everything about herself & there’s nothing left to talk about?  What does that even mean?  I think Jen has a bad case of the blues, here’s hoping Vince Vaughn can keep her chin up.

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The season premiere of South Park was one not to be missed.  Chef is dead, maybe.  In response to its former star Isaac Hayes, who was the voice of the beloved Chef since 1997, turning his back on the show last week due to his “religious” beliefs being taunted; Chef returned to the land of South Park a pedophile. 

The show was a satire on the whole Scientology thing and those we are loosing to its unrelenting, ridiculous grasp (quick, someone grab Beck away from Rabissi and run!).  Chef had left South Park to find adventure to replace the mundane and ordinary in his life.  He returned to South Park last night from traveling the world with the “Super Adventure Club” with all inhabitants overjoyed and tickled by his return. 

However, Stan, Kyle, Kenny & Cartman sense something queer about Chef.  A quick note- Hayes did not participate in this episode, rather creators Matt Stone & Trey Parker patched together lines from previous recordings, making Chef sound a little jagged & pieced together. The boys try to get down to the bottom of his odd behavior, especially when Chef continues to state that we wants to “make sweet love” to them. 

As is turns out, instead of Chef joining the “Adventure Club”, he joined the “Super Adventure Club” who’s mission is to travel the crevices of the world and have sex with little boys.  After realizing this folly, the boys take Chef to a physiatrist (oh no, Tom!) who confirms the boys’ fears and states that their friend has been brainwashed by the adventure club.  They then proceed to take Chef to a strip club to see if they can jog his “memory” for the ladies, he does indeed regain his strong sense of heterosexuality but only after seeing a fat-stacked black woman take to the pole.

It looked like Chef was going to make it, but in the end the “Super Adventure Club” won Chef’s heart and mind back.  He was making his way across a swinging bridge to the arms of his pedophile cohorts, when the bridge collapsed and sent Chef tumbling down rock after rock and falling upon an upturned tree limb which acted as a spike through his chest. He is then shot by his fellow members, burned, stabbed & finally mauled by a lion and a grizzly bear who leave barely nothing behind.

At Chef’s funeral, Kyle addresses the attendees:

“A lot of us don’t agree with the choices Chef has made in the last few days.  Some of us feel hurt and confused that he seemed to turn his back on us.  But we can’t let the events of the past few days take away the memories of how Chef made us smile.  We shouldn’t be mad at Chef for leaving us.  We should be mad at that fruity little club for scrambling his brains.” 

In the last scene of The Return of Chef, the “Super Adventure Club” raises Chef from the dead by using the Darth Sidious approach and rebuilt the man Chef. When metal coupled with flesh in the form of cyborg implants and enhancements required to sustain him, Chef’s transformation was complete. He was no longer Chef. He was Darth Chef with a golden, glowing spatula of terror.  Will Chef one day reveal he is Cartman’s father and be saved from the dark side?  I can’t wait for the reappearance of this new turn in Chef’s character. 

What a true and hilarious send-off for Chef as well as Isaac Hayes and a smack on the face for that fruity little Scientology club for scrambling the brains of some good ones- I’m so serious, someone go nab Beck from the evil claws of his clansmen and de-brainwash the man! 

It’s good to have Matt Stone & Trey Parker up in Hollywood taking up for the sane folks. 

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Film director M. Night Shyamalan, what a fantastic name by the way- I love it, has crossed off his list ‘Creep out the young adult & adult world at large’ and is moving on to the next item on his list, ‘Creep out the young children of the world’.

Shyamalan is releasing a children’s book June 21 entitled “Lady in the Water“.  The book was originally written as a bedtime story for his children and is now publishing the picture book as well as releasing a film of the same name.  It is interesting to ponder the parenting of M. Night, it’s like trying to imagine Stephen King tucking in the kids at night.

The tale will feature illustrations by Crash McCreery (another wonderfully original name) who has worked as a character designer on such film as Jurassic Park, Pirates of the Caribbean & Shyamalan’s own film The Village- which left movie-goers alike wondering what happened to the M. Night Shyamalan genius.

The story of the book & film centers on an apartment building superintendent who, while maintaining the pool area, rescues what he thinks is a drowning woman.  When the super discovers she is actually a character from a bedtime story who is trying to make her way back home, he works with the tenants to protect this character from creatures (of course, did you really think there weren’t going to be any creatures?) that are determined to keep her out of the story world.

The film version will be out at some point this summer sending chills down all of our backs.  Paul Giamatti will take the role as the superintendent and Bryce Dallas Howard the role of the Lady in the Water.  Paul Giamatti- he’s always playing the ugly, down-on-his luck guy.  At least he has some big boobies to play with at home.

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