It’s a happenin’ place, Namibia these days. Angelina Jolie & Brad Pitt have turned the spotlight on the African country. Jolie recently threatened to leave Namibia, however, where she plans on giving birth to her & Brad Pitt’s child, if the couple does not receive any privacy from the press.

In a statement delivered by Jolie henchman Mickey Brett, the Jolie-Pitt family pleads for privacy. “We love Africa and to be here in Namibia with our family is very special for us. To the local people who have been so kind and gracious, thank you for making us feel at home. As for the press, we kindly ask for privacy so we can be free to enjoy this beautiful county with our children. Angelina Jolie & Brad Pitt.” It think they forgot to put in, “If you don’t leave us be bitches, I’m going to release the bloody hound Mickey Brett and it’s not going to be pretty, I can tell you that much.”

Hmmm, so do Jolie & Pitt think the press will just pack up and leave after that moving statement? I wish the J-P fam solitude, but I fear it may be in vain. Or maybe not. Three French photographers were ordered to leave Namibia this week or face arrest. Others, including a Sunday Times photographer, have been issued statements that they are “prohibited / illegal” immigrants and have been given 48 hours to pack up, or face arrest themselves.

So, it looks like Namibia is trying to help Angelina Jolie & Brad Pitt out by ousting the bad eggs. Namibian Prime Minister Nahas Angula has been a strong supporter of the J-P fam and has defended their right for privacy. He disagreed with the “public figure in a public place” principle saying, “They are not public people in the sense that are elected persons. An elected person has got a responsibility to the public, but someone who has a talent to be a good film star, that person is entitled to peace of mind like everyone else.”

“If that person says they don’t want to be photographed then, of course, that person deserves protection.” And isn’t that what nice boy Mickey Brett has been doing?

Sounds like some sucking up going on “a talent to be a good film star,” a little bit of Indecent Proposal on your mind, Minister. I do wonder, what about those other famous celebs that visit Namibia, do they have to qualify as a good film star to receive some peace & quiet?

Despite their need for seclusion, the J-P fam has taken in the sights. They made it to Walvis Bay to feast on some local cuisine at a queer hole-in-the-wall restaurant called Kentucky Fried Chicken. Angelina Jolie & Brad Pitt have been spotted coming out of a jewelry store & at a pet shop where they were shopping for a turtle for Maddox. The celebrity couple also posed for a private photo session amid the dunes at Swakopmud, the photographs are said to have been sold for $700,000.

Which brings us to the biggie, when are we going to get to see baby Jolie-Pitt? It looks lilke People have the answer. Who would have guessed it? Just about everyone. People magazine have purchased the exclusive rights to the first photo of Angelina Jolie & Brad Pitt’s baby. How much you ask? People will donate $3.5 million to Unicef in exchange for the sought-after pics.

Meanwhile, listeners to a Namibian radio station have urged the J-P fam to name the child ‘Naledi’ meaning ‘star’ in Setswana. The seond favorite name was ‘Katiti’ which translates to ‘little one’ in Herero and Oshiwambo. How about just naming little Jolie-Pitt ‘$3.5′. I think it has a nice ring to it.

BTW- Is that Heath Ledger holding the carboard sign?

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TheSuperifical:  An almost dead Paris Hilton & An absolutely gross Richie Sambora kisses Bond girl Denise Richards

PopSugar:  Britney Spears boo-hoos over Kevin Federline & comforts the young with a little smoke of the joint

PinkIsTheNewBlog:  K-Fed shows us how it’s done, or rather how it shouldn’t be done

Egotastic:  Sienna Miller & Jude Law confuse & confound us

CityRag:  Recent birthday girl Barbara Streisand will never give up the stretch pants, so don’t even ask, damn you

 

According to legal papers filed by former Bond girl and Richie Sambora kisser Denise Richards, she left Charlie Sheen last year because he’s a crazy son-of-a-bitch.  
 
In legal documents filed Friday in Los Angeles, Denise claims Sheen was obsessed with conspiracy theories surrounding the 9/11 terrorist attack and the death of O.J. Simpson’s wife, Nicole.  I guess he thinks the glove did fit.  Sheen reportedly even showed Richards photographs of the slain Nicole (how does one get those?) and appeared to be mesmerized by the autopsy photos.  At this point, Richards knew it was time to get packin’, grab the gun and the luggage.

Richards reveals, “Respondent’s (Sheen) behavior was totally irrational. The Respondent became paranoid.

“Respondent began to obsess about vaccines being poisonous, about 911 being a conspiracy, purchasing gas masks on the Internet, and putting guns under our coffee table so that they would be within reach if someone broke into our house.

“Respondent also displayed what I can only describe as an abnormal fascination with Nicole Simpson’s death and showed my mother and I her autopsy photographs, which I found very disturbing.

“I had one small child and was pregnant and I was afraid to leave him; I was also afraid to stay with him.”

Richards also claims Sheen has abused prescription drugs, suffers from violent mood swings, has a porn addiction, classifies him as an extremely paranoid man, gambled compulsively, frequented prostitutes & that he has threatened to kill her on at least one occasion.

Sheen denies all the claims against him, don’t they always?  I mean come on!  If any one of these things are true, you have a true head-case on your hands. 

Richards eventually filed for divorce but the couple tried to reconcile at the end of last year (yeah, I too think it’s hot when my beau threatens to kill me), only to say goodbye for good in January.

The Wild Things actress recently won a temporary restraining order, which does not allow Charlie to come within 300 feet of her or their two children, with claims that the actor has made threats to her life.  Does this explain why she ran into the arms of her best bud Heather Locklear’s soon-to-be-ex-husband Richie Sambora, I don’t know.  It might, however, explain that sling on his arm.  The Sheenster can be quite an ominous enemy.

Now, we can’t leave sorry Charlie out, here he is now.

“I move forward and I maintain my integrity … and focus on my children,” Sheen told Entertainment Tonight.  “Richards’ filing is a “heinous document of fiction.”  Then what a work of fiction it is.  Maybe Denise should consider a career as a writer is she’s that creative.

“I’m deeply saddened because this is clearly demonstrating a wanting and willful attempt at what I describe as a radical and transparent smear campaign and clearly a departure from sound, sane, responsible co-parenting,” Sheen said.  I’m sorry, you cant say ‘smear campaign’ without sending me into fits of giggles, especially when you’re talking about a Hollywood divorce and not a political election.  Who even says smear campaign? 

“It is a reaction to a failed marriage, a reaction to some twisted desire–real or imagined–to hurt, to punish, to discredit, to completely torpedo, to undermine my perception as a responsible father … a contributing father, a guy who would give his life for his children.” Sounds like he was prepared- ‘completely torpedo’?  Man, this guy can talk a hurricane into thinking its a puppy dog.

Charlie Sheen went on to say that Denise Richards is “the only one entirely culpable for putting these radical allegations out for public consumption … my children included.”

Whew!  What happened to making divorce easy on the kids?  I think Charlie Sheen & Denise Richards both need a visit from Oprah.

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Tom Cruise loves placentas & changing dirty diapers. What am I to learn from that about the Cruisemeister? The 43-year-old actor, who is in the middle of a whirlwind promotional tour of Europe for his new movie Mission: Impossible 3, helps his fiance Katie Holmes by changing baby Suri’s diapers. The two lovebirds have quite a system in place to help with their newborn.

Cruise states, “I changed her first. I change diapers all the time. I have to tell you, I love it. We have a whole system worked out. It’s the ‘B and B’–she does the breast-feeding and I do the burping and changing the diapers. It’s teamwork. It’s fun.”

Scientologist Tom Cruise is going back & forth from Europe to the US so that he can be with Katie & Suri as much as possible. Cruise worried about embarking on his European promo tour & leaving the ladies behind.

“My own ‘Mission: Impossible’ was getting here. That was the Mission Impossible. Because it kept going back and forth,” Cruise said.

“I wasn’t going to come and then Kate said, you know, ‘Go. Go.’ … So I’m here. And I’ll be here for a few hours and then I’ll get back on an airplane and go back home to Kate and Suri.”

Talk about jet lag. I don’t know how he does it. Must be a spaceship thing I don’t understand.

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In a breaking news release, Jennifer Aniston has quit smoking though not because of pal Courtney Cox’s advice.  Aniston apparently has plans to try her voice at singing, outside the shower. 

The former Friends star has been inspired by Reese Witherspoon & Nicole Kidman who surprised film goers with their vocal talents in Walk the Line & Moulin Rouge. 

“I have to quit the cigs so that I can get my voice in shape.”

No matter the reason, I’m sure we’re all happier knowing that Aniston is taking her health a little more seriously.  Why it seems like just yesterday that a Life & Style insider told us that, “Courteney (Cox) thinks Jen smokes and drinks too much.”

All I have to say is that it’s going to be interesting seeing Aniston carry a tune.

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Brad Pitt is giving away a lot these days what with cocktail parties and his hand in marriage to Jolie, but he is also the new face of humanitarianism.  Pitt is backing Global Green USA on a project to find environmentally-friendly designs for rebuilding New Orleans.  Pitt wishes to make the Louisiana city better yet “respect traditions” and will lead a panel of experts to pick the winning design.  The winner is to be selected on the first anniversary of Hurricane Katrina on August 29th.

Pitt states, “We could possibly build something that was better and took into account the historical traditions of the city and the voices of the people and turn this into some kind of good.”

“Our goal is to actually implement them and to get them built and hopefully give a kick-start to a much needed redevelopment process.”

Brad Pitt is currently in Namibia with Angelina Jolie & family.  He has not addressed the rumors regarding a wedding ceremony or that he was voted #100 on the ’100 Unsexiest Men in the World‘ list.  He did, however, give us the following quotes. 

“Namibia’s just a country we’re very fond of.  It’s a beautiful land and hospitable people and a place that we want to be for the time being.”

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Well, it looks like Katie might already be giving baby Suri the high hat. Katie Holmes has begun making wedding plans. From the dress to getting her body back to its slim feminine self, Katie is getting ready for the Cruise / Holmes wedding day.

Holmes has met with the owner of Buff Brides, a company that sculpts bodies for the big day. Katie hopes to work on her shoulders and back so she can look stunning in her wedding gown. A source tells TMZ that Katie’s dress is a sleek strapless A-line cut straight across at the bust, form-fitted at the waist and falls to the floor. It should be a lovely affair, I wonder who will preside over the ceremony, the spirit of L. Ron?

In a related note, Nicole Kidman has congratulated Katie on her birth to Suri but made no mention of Tom Cruise in her statement released through her publicist, “I hope both mother and baby are doing well.” Which I think translates to, “Get out while you can, Katie. Get out while you can.”

Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes have their hands full these days. Planning a wedding, beginning the path of parenting as well as the new path for Katie of brainwashing, I mean Scientology. Speaking of which, it looks like Katie did indeed ask for an epidural despite the Church of Scientology’s belief in restraining from such drugs. Holmes did, however, seem to maintain a quite atmosphere during the delivery with everyone in the room staying silent and the nurses using hand signals.

Do you train for that in medical school? I guess it would be the In Case You Ever Have to Deal with Scientologists During a Delivery nursing lesson that reviews hand signals for “We may have to perform a Caesarean!” or “Is the head really suppose to look like that?”.

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According to Life & Style the Angelina Jolie & Brad Pitt Namibian wedding rumors are true.  Brad has finally gotten his wish, Angelina will marry the poor boy.  This will be the third marriage for Jolie (third time’s the charm?) and the second for Brad Pitt, but who’s counting when it comes to this hot & heavy couple?

The wedding is not expected to be a typical one.  Well, how could it be when Jolie showed up for her first marriage to Hackers co-actor Johnny Lee Miller in black leather pants and a white shirt painted with his name in her blood on the back? 

Rumors are that Jolie & Pitt will have a traditional Namibian ceremony which is usually performed by a local tribal chief in the Bantu dialect.  With reports of the pairs’ families flying in, I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that Brad Pitt turned into Brad Jolie over the weekend.

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The Simple star and hotel heiress Paris Hilton will be releasing her own line of mobile phone games, maybe that’s what Hilton & Niarchos were working on at that Lakers game. Hilton has teamed up with developer Gameloft to create the games which will be launched this summer.  Gameloft stated that the first game will be “geared to tweens/teens and fans of Paris Hilton.”

Gameloft has not given any details about the game but will probably be in the category of simpler titles that includes puzzlers and card games.  I’m thinking of a game where you help Paris get rid of pesky STD’s by solving puzzles and card games, if you lose too many times, Paris dies of AIDS.  A little harsh, yes, but I can see it being a real winner in the gaming world. 

Paris tells MTV, “My phone has become an all-in-one entertainment device and mobile games are an integral part of that.  Mobile gaming is really hot right now, and I’m excited to be a part of this project.” 

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Jamie Foxx has leaked the news that Desperate Housewives star Eva Longoria will marry Tony Parker.  On the “Ellen DeGeneres” talk show this past Monday, Foxx unknowingly let it slip that the pair would soon walk down the isle.  “I know her boyfriend and soon-to-be husband,” stated Foxx.

You know, I don’t know if I would want my chum broadcasting to the world that I was planning on getting hitched, seems like something Longoria & Parker would want to do themselves.  You sly Foxx, you.  This will be the second marriage for Longoria and the first for Parker.  The pair have not yet announced their engagement but are close friends with comedian Foxx and even teamed up with Parker to record a song, interestingly enough.  “We’re good friends.  We actually hooked up on a song.  He raps (Tony Parker raps?!) in French.  He kills in French (he kills?).  It sounds sexy, (hey, who’s marrying who here?) I don’t know what he’s saying.  He could just be saying, ‘Order me dinner.’  It’s a trip to hear it.”

Eva Longoria is apparently thrilled she met Tony Parker when she did or she may have turned out like a trampy Paris Hilton.  Here she is now.

“I love that I met Tony when I met him because everything was starting to get crazy and I could have been one of those Hollywood girls that partied.  It was like a magnet and he just grounded me before it got (crazy).”

“I can see where you can get caught up in it.  You think it’s the work, ‘I have to go out, I have to be seen, I have to be on every red carpet.’” 

That kinda does sound like our ole pal Paris.  Congrats to the two for finding a deep relationship in the crazy, faux playground of Hollywoodland.

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Tom Cruise’s finance & fellow Scientologist Katie Holmes gave birth to a baby girl last night. TomKat now has their little TomKitten. In a statement issued through Cruise’s publicist, the couple said that they “joyously welcomed” the new addition to their family.

The little girl’s name? No, not Orange, Apple or Moses, and sadly not L. Ron or Hubbard or even Xenu. Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes’ baby girl has been named Suri, a name the couple found in a book of baby names. The name translates to ‘Princess’ in Hebrew, ‘Red Rose’ in Farsi, ‘Pickpocket’ in Japanese (already a career in mind?) and ‘Will Soon Rule You’ in Scientology.

Tom’s publicist added, “Both mother and daughter are doing well.” Baby Suri is 7 pounds, 7 ounces and measures 20 inches long. Cruise has already appeared to be the overly protective father & assigned everyone in his staff & family different responsibilities in taking care if his little girl, kind of like the Mafia.

Cruise said soon after the birth, “I don’t think this kid’s going to be able to walk until they’re about 15! Feet aren’t going to touch the ground!” Either this is because so many of his loving staff & family members wish to hold the young girl, or that the Scientology spawn prefers to float & gravitate on this planet.

This is the first child for Holmes, 27, & the first biological warfare, I mean biological offspring, for Cruise, 43, who has an adopted daughter and son from his marriage with Nicole Kidman.

It’s a beautiful thing, the birth of a child. But I have only one question, how was the placenta, Tom?

A little Wednesday irony: It may be play dates for Grier Hammond Henchy and Suri Cruise, rather than Suri & Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie’s baby. A healthy little girl was born to Brooke Shields and husband Chris Henchy yesterday. The couple have named their child Grier which means ‘watchful & vigilant’ in Scottish Gaelic. Hmmm… that’s a little interesting, back to that shortly.

According to Access Hollywood the Cruise child & Shields child were born in the same hospital, on the same floor and both weighed in at 7 pounds and measured 20 inches in length. Hmmmmm….. Last year Cruise famously criticized Shields on the Today show for her use of antidepressants to battle postpartum depression and they have been battling it out ever since.

OK, now back to the interesting part. A red-rosed pickpocket princess is born that will one day rule the world and on the same day, weighing & measuring the same, another girl child is born that will be watchful & vigilant? Oh, come on! It’s Cruise VS Shields, or Scientology VS Reality or The End of the World VS Nirvana. How plain can it be? Wow! I feel like I’m a part of the Omen or Rosemary’s Baby or even Little Nicky.

I guess I should send little Grier frankincense & myrrh to get in good with her early and extend my gratitude that she will some day take on the Suri Cruise spawn.

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Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes reportedly cannot agree on a location to have their child. So, it was a suitable compromise to spend $255,000 on an in-home hospital at Cruise’s Beverly Hills home. I guess it’s kind of a when-all-else-fails-buy-your-own-hospital situation, I run into those all the time.

The baby-got-birth room, as I like to call it, is stocked with a fetal monitor, ultrasound machine, intravenous pump, delivery kit (do they sell those at Walgreens?) and an infant warmer system. What about getting the raw, bloody meat ready for the Xenu child they will spawn?

A source tells The Sun, “Tom thinks his delivery home is the best way of providing a quiet environment.” Which, in Scientology speak, translates to, “God is dead! Xenu lives!”.

Cruise has hired three Scientology medics, a midwife, a nurse and an obstetrics expert to assist Holmes. Hmmm.. let me guess, this is either all because no one is to be trusted handling little baby Xenu besides qualified Scientology “experts”, or because they don’t want us to see Katie giving birth to the basketball she’s been toting the last few weeks….. I’m going with the basketball scenario.

In a side news event, Tom Cruise has the medical experts raving and infuriated after he admitted to performing sonograms on Katie Holmes “a lot”. In the May issue of GQ Cruise admits, “I’m a filmmaker, I need to see the rushes. At first we did it a lot. I don’t know how many times, but I did not exceed FDA regulations.” What the hell is he talking about, having sex with vegetables or doing medical ultrasonography without actual qualifications?

Following Cruise’s latest revelations, the American College of Radiology perked up their ears and said, “Cruise’s claim to be qualified to perform unsupervised ultrasound exams on his fiance Katie Holmes, because he ‘read the manual’ that came with the machine is irresponsible, potentially dangerous, and may incorrectly influence others to place their unborn children at risk by performing such exams with no medical supervision.”

I’m telling you, it’s all because it’s just a damn basketball.

Let’s end with just one more Cruisism, he wants to eat Katie’s placenta: “I thought that would be good. Very nutritious. I am gonna eat the cord and the placenta right there.” Damn, what are we gonna do with that Tom?

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British rocker, sometime robber, Kate Moss’ fiance & continual drug user Pete Doherty has won the ultimate punk-rock-attitude award:  Worst Dad of the Year.  A congrats to the Babyshambles singer is in order, who else would be qualified to beat Michael Jackson as the worst father figure? 

Doherty has a two-year-old son, Estile, with former sweetheart Lisa Moorish, lead singer of the British electro-rock band Kill City.  Doherty maintains contact and sees his young son occasionally. It kinda surprised me that Pete was responsible enough to get his nose out of Temptation Charlie to be some sort of father to Estile, until I learned that Doherty has a second secret love child he does not speak of or see and then I knew we were talking about the same man. 

Pete speaks of his young son he has never seen, “I’ve got two (children).  Poor little fu%*er.  My sister sees him all the time, so there’s affection as a family for him.”  Well, that’s nice, Pete.  Way to rationalize….  What a fantastic parenting duo Kate Moss & Pete Doherty will make.

The Official Top Worst Celebrity Dads List:

• #1:  Pete Doherty
• #2:  Michael Jackson
• #3:  Darren Day
• #4:  Dwight Yorke
• #5:  Tom Cruise
• #6:  Kevin Federline- surprise, surprise
• #7:  Brian McFadden
• #8:  Jude Law, a little odd since ole Jude was #9 on the Top 10 Best Dad List
• #9:  Woody Allen, huh?
• #10:  Boris Becker

Hmm… And if you remember, I really had thought Michael stood a better chance……

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British actress Keira Knightley wishes she could have more sex with more folks.  Knightley made men happy and hopeful by saying recently that she wishes she could have found Hollywood stardom later in life so she could have experimented sexually without the watchful, scrutinizing eye of the media.

The Pride and Prejudice star, who celebrated her 21st birthday last month, shot to fame at the age of sixteen after starring in The Hole & Bend It Like Beckham, though she wishes she could have found fame & fortune in her mid-twenties.

Knightley reveals, “My father says, ‘I wish this could have happened in five years’ time, you could have been 20 and got really pissed and slept with loads of people and no one would have known.’

“That would have been great,” ended Knightley, which in turn made guys everywhere track down the star and say, “But, please, I won’t tell anyone.”

Good fatherly advice, kind of a new take on the whole sex thing.  You know, his advice does sound a lot like many Hollywood marriages.  You get pissed, sleep with loads of people and tell no one.

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A local governor in Namibia has confirmed that Angelina Jolie, seen here with adopted daughter Zahara at an airstrip near Namibia, & Brad Pitt will have their baby in the African country. According to The Sunday Times of South Africa, Samuel Sheefeni Nuuyoma, the governor of the Namibian province where the couple is staying, met with the stars this past Friday.

“They are having the baby here, and they talked about giving the child a Namibian name,” stated Nuuyoma. He said Jolie had made the Namibian name choice because “she loves Namibia.” Although it remains to be seen if her love will be reciprocated.

After Jolie & Pitt hired security specialist Mickey Brett to securitize their resort lodgings at the Swakopmund Hotel & Entertainment Center, locals have been threatened and chased off public beaches. According to local press reports, Mickey Brett, the same Mickey Brett who worked for Nicole Kidman and was arrested and later released following the 1993 murder of a millionaire tycoon in London, has closed off roads around the Swakopmund resort and chased local children from nearby public beaches.

Brett has also threatened reporters and photographers with physical violence. Here he is now, “If I find anyone gettin’ a picture of Jolie, I will fu@*ing smash someone to pieces. I’m not joking. I’ll fu#$ing put someone in hospital. Tell your friends.” Wow, what a catch. What’s he like on a date?

Jolie & Pitt are expected to be in Namibia for the next six weeks, if they are not carted off and thrown into the Atlantic Ocean by locals first. One Namibian resident states, “I sympathize with Brad Pitt and Angelina because they do want privacy, but on the other hand they are public figures and there is a lot of interest in their visit. From what I hear they are nice people but their security guys most certainly aren’t.”

Well, if Angelina gives the baby a Namibian name, maybe all will be forgiven. Otherwise, Jolie should think of naming the love child ‘Crayfish’ after the ocean inhabitants they will meet in the Atlantic after being cast in by irritated Namibians.

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With Kevin Federline on the verge of releasing his irksome monster to the public at large- Oh! I’m sorry, I’ll start over…  With Kevin Federline on the verge of releasing his much-talked-about-but-not-because-it’s-going-to-be-awesome album to the public at large, I thought we’d do a little refresher. 

It was a night like any other night in November 2005, the birds were singing, the trees were swaying and Late Night with Conan O’Brien was just starting.  The show aired soon after the lyrics from some of K-Fed’s lyrics were “leaked” on the web.  Conan was interested to see what the dancer/Britney Spears boy toy had to offer.  O’Brien invited Federline to the show to perform one of his songs, but Kevin declined, too bad, so sad. 

Fortunately for us, Conan asked Inside the Actor’s Studio host James Lipton to come aboard that evening to recite K-Fed’s “Ya’ll Ain’t Ready for This” lyrics.  It was, in one word, hilarious and my respect for Lipton went from ground zero to ground zero + 1. 

The lyrics are as follows:

I shouldn’t be sayin’ keep
My damn name outcha mouth
But y’all keep increasin’ my change …
Go ahead and say whatcha wanna
I’m gonna sell about 2 mil
Uh, then I’m goner, uh
I know y’all wishin’ you was in my position
Cause I keep gettin’ into situations
That you wish you was in, cousin
I’m not your brother, I’m not your uncle, I’m Daddy do
Steppin’ in this game and y’all ain’t got a clue
My prediction is that y’all are gonna hate
On the style we create, straight 2008
But I know that you really can’t wait
Because people always askin’ me
When’s the release date?
Well maybe, baby, you could wait and see
Until then all these Pavarottis followin’ me
Gettin’ anxious? Go take a peek
I’m starrin’ in your magazines
Now every day and week
Back then, they call me K-fed
But you can call me Daddy instead
Back then, they call me K-fed
But you can call …

I have to say, it was refreshing to see & hear Lipton say, “But you can call me Daddy instead.”  And I’m going to go ahead and say it by god, Lipton’s performance, I’m afraid, it’s going to be 1,235,487,934,564,144 times better than anything Federline will be able to whip up.

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Teen queen Lindsay Lohan & Jessica Simpson are apparently snubbing each other.  At the Los Angeles Dime Club last week, Simpson failed to extend a thanks to Lohan for a champagne gift Lohan had sent over which resulted in a tearful fracas.

According to US Weekly, Lohan sent Simpson a friendly round of drinks.  While the evening progressed, Lindsey felt she was due a thank you.  When none came, she confronted the Newlyweds star with a demanding and fearsome attitude. 

The Weekly source reported hearing these words from Lindsay, “What’s the matter? When your sister is around, you can talk shit about me, but now that Ashlee’s not here, what are you going to do? C’mon! I’m 19 and you’re 25. Say something, you coward!”

Filmmaker Brett Ratner, who was sitting at the table with Simpson tried to calm the enraged teen queen Lohan down and convinced her to go back to her table after making Daisy Duke Jessica shed hurt tears.  Ratner has ties to both “ladies”, he has been quietly dating Lohan & directed the “These Boots (Are Made for Walkin’)” Simpson music video.

Some classy people up there in the Hollywood land.  Are we sure this wasn’t some Jerry Springer stunt?  I have to say, I was hoping they were going to tear each others clothes off and start swinging.  I suppose I’ll just have to live with my daydreams…..

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Tom Cruise wants the fruit of his loins to play with baby Jolie-Pitt. In an interview with GQ magazine that will hit stands the 25th of this month, Scientologist Cruister revealed many things about himself, mainly that he still has Katie under capture and plans to go ahead with the “silent birth“, that he & Holmes’ baby could play with Angelina Jolie & Brad Pitt’s baby & that he can get you off heroin in three days time.

Defending the controversial Scientology practice of giving birth in silence, or maintaining a quiet atmosphere during the delivery, Cruise said, “It’s about respecting the woman. It’s not about her not screaming.” Hmmm. What would Cruise’s old grammar teacher say about that double-negative?

Fellow Scientologists John Travolta & Kelly Preston encourage the young Katie Holmes to embrace the Scientology church’s doctrine of a silent birth. Preston explains, “It’s just because everything in moments of pain is really recorded and you want to have that (the birth) peaceful and clear of sort of suggestions or different words that can then affect them (babies) in their future.” That must have been some good Theton crack she was smoking that day, did that many any sense at all?

It looks like Katie has friends all over the place trying to get her through this whole I’ve-been-knocked-up-and-kidnapped-by-brainwashing-extraordanaire-Tom-Cruise-Help-Me! thing. Apparently Holmes has asked Victoria Beckham to be her birthing partner, after Tom introduced the two recently. Victoria & David Beckham converted to the biding arms of Scientology in 2004 after striking up a friendship with none other than Tom Cruise.

A source told Grazia magazine, “Victoria and Katie have struck a real rapport ever since they were introduced by Tom and both of them are thrilled by the friendship. Victoria has become something of a mother hen to Katie, so when she was asked if she would be with her during the birth, she said yes straight away.” Doesn’t really clarify who asked ole Victoria to be the partner, though, does it? Those Super Adventure Club members, they just kill me. I mean really. They’re here right now trying to kill me.

During the GQ interview Tom joked around that his baby could play with the Jolie-Pitt baby, a little presumptuous I’m afraid. And I’m not so sure that little Zenu would play nice.

Tom always finds a way to introduce his psychiatric soapbox into any interview, an the GQ interview was no exception. He has freshly attacked mind-altering pill-poppers about the harms they may be getting themselves into.

“I’ve always found that the ‘if it makes me feel better, it’s OK’ rationale a little suspect. I think it’s appalling that people have to live a life of drug addiction when I have personally helped people get of drugs.” I can just hear Katie now, “Tom, Tom, if we loosen the ropes around my legs and arms, it feels better.” And Tom Tom’s reply, “Katie, quite frankly, I find that highly suspect.”

In the interview Cruise claimed that he can get anyone off heroin in three days using the Scientology detox program which basically extracts $3 million dollars from your bank account and therefore wakes you out of the drug stupor chasing Tom Cruise & his Scientology gang members and yelling in a dark alley for sweet revenge and retribution.

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And this year’s best celebrity dad is…..not Tom Cruise apparently, I wonder why.  No, Bob Geldof is top celebrity dad this year.  You may know Irish born Geldof from his punk band Boomtown Rats years, as the lead in Pink Floyd’s The Wall, or by his Live 8 African charity project.

Geldof took the lead from several other big time, mainly British, dad names, taking second place is David Beckham- which just goes to show you that you can cheat on your wife with the nanny and still be the 2nd best celebrity dad.

Here is the Official Top Ten Celebrity Dads List:

• #1:  Bob Geldof
• #2:  David Beckham
• #3:  Jamie Oliver
• #4:  Jonathan Ross
• #5:  Johnny Depp (he’s a little higher in my ranking book, but then the Depp always is)
• #6:  Freddie Flintoff
• #7:  Chris Martin (until his kids start liking steak)
• #8:  Brad Pitt (is he really even a dad yet?)
• #9:  Jude Law
• #10:  Paul McCartney (Stella!)

Hmmmm…. Best celebrity dad….  I’m going to have to go with Michael Jackson.  He’s just so giving.

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