I can understand why men drool all over her and it is quite possible that I caught her on a bad day, but I’m just not seeing the appeal about her. She is ghostly pale, a typical trait of redheads, her face isn’t that great, the makeup doesn’t help at all and (I might never say this again) her breasts seem to be too big for her body.

Too big for her body???!!!

Yes, just like a man’s tool can be too big for the ladies, a woman’s breasts can be too big for her frame and this is a great example. Maybe that is why she wore the worst lipstick known to man because she wanted to divert attention away from her giant rack. It didn’t work because in my effort to avoid looking at her face I am drawn right back to her breasts.

I have a whole gallery of photos of her, but I just can’t bring myself to post them. Seriously, she looks like she had sex on the car ride over and did a quick make up job and forgot to brush her hair.

On second thought, I kind of like this woman.

In the battle of the irrelevants, Maxim lands Olivia Munn on its cover while Playboy gets Tara Reid. I remember back in the day she always claimed she wouldn’t do Playboy although they kept on sending her offers. I guess the money always runs out eventually and you have to step up your strip game if you want to stay above water.

Now if you have seen any Tara pics over the past 5 years then you know something is right with her body and by something I mean everything and by everything I mean “yo WTF is wrong with your stomach, breasts, eyes and toes?” To top it off and break the trend of Playboy sucking by never showing nudity they are going to have topless photos of Tara. Now this could easily mean topless with her hands covering the goods and in a way I hope this is the case.

Tara is out to prove that people continue to only show old pictures of her and that is unfair so she wants to show the world her body is fine. Just in case, here is an old pic. Bathe yourself in her sexiness.

I can’t fdasflkaflajfing wait.

Well there is no shortage of Olivia Munn bashing going on here at Celebrific, but seeing as how we bash everyone we don’t really care. So here is another photoshoot of Olivia Munn and this time it is for Maxim. Now I’m not saying her life long goal was to become a great actress, but if so she missed that boat about 10 years ago it looks like.

Have you ever read about her in an article that didn’t involve some sexy pics of her? Nothing wrong with being famous for how you look, hell if you are wise you exploit the living donkey urine out of it. The problem is when you don’t realize that this will bring some naysayers to the crowd and apparently Ms. Munn has been getting them a lot if her most recent blog entry is any indication. I mean she goes completely ape dung here.

Oh, and YES, let me go ahead and address this now so I don’t have to again…

YES, that’s my ass. YES, I did a cover shoot and spread for Maxim Magazine. So YES I was in revealing outfits. But NO. NO, that doesn’t make me, or any other girl who takes provocative pictures, a whore or slut or anything else that some pathetic loser, who just sits behind the comfort of a computer screen judging, feels like saying. I wore what I felt comfortable in. I’m comfortable in my own skin. I’m comfortable with my sexuality.

And if you have any problems with me in this spread, I have two things to say to you: 1. Just don’t look. And 2. You sound like you just need a good fuck.

Feel free to go read the rest of the tirade, but to be honest it just sounds like someone isn’t happy with reality. You make money by dressing skimpy and getting pics taken of yourself. Accept it and be happy with it girl. I mean EVERY photoshoot I’ve seen you in is the same way so even if you are going to deny it the facts are already laid out there.

Good actress? Not really. Great personality? Meh. Hot? Fo sho. Deal with it.

Kourtney is my favorite Kardashian. She is the best looking one and in a weird twist of fate, although she looks like she is the youngest, she is actually the oldest and shortest. She also let the above douchebag get her pregnant. I kid you not, this slick haired grease monkey was able to put it in her, get her pregnant, milk some of her money and he doesn’t even have to marry her.

He gets to stare at Kim in a bikini from time to time and wonder what keeps Bruce Jenner’s face together. I hate this guy. I’m not even going to look up his name because I hate him so much. I want his life even if it does mean I have to see Khloe every once in a while.

What is really weird about her having a kid though is that apparently she didn’t want one before. I can’t blame her considering it will be the spawn of the porcupine, but what kind of life do you live when you are the oldest sister and yet your two younger sisters get to be involved with super rich athletes? And you stick with this idiot?!

Oldest Kardashian? Check. Sexiest Kardashian? Check. Smartest Kardashian? See ya.

Isn’t it funny how most celebrities hate the paparazzi, but if all the cameras stopped following them they would miss the lights? Even more humorous is how non-celebrities get more people following them than actual celebrities. Take for example, Kim Kardashian and Eva Longoria. Eva stars in an award-winning show and is married to a semi-famous athlete. Kim has sex with a has been singer, has the sextape leaked and is now more famous and well-known than Eva.

What happens if you are a celebrity in this case? I think you have no choice, but to join forces with the non-celeb just so you can get your picture taken as well. You know Eva doesn’t give two rats’ tails about Kim, but Kim has the photogs and the ego of a celeb needs to be fed.

Hey Kim, you know I don’t like you, but where are you going tonight? Would love to do a fake hug for the cameras and pretend we are friends so let me know what your plans are. Looking forward to it, should be fun. Toodles!

The wonderful thing about Disney isn’t that they own two different fantasy lands or that you still aren’t sure why Pluto is a dog dog and Goofy is a dog that can talk, it’s that they can pump out child celebrities like it’s their business. Why? Because it is their business! Justin Timberlake, Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera and the Jonas Brothers have all come through the ranks of the Disney factory.

The most famous of all though might be Miley Cyrus. Some people find her attractive probably because she is on the edge of pervertedness and she got her teeth fixed, while others can’t stand her. Her closest competition in the Disney fam is Selena Gomez and she is a million times better than Miley. From the looks to the singing to the class, this girl beats Miley like Mike Tyson beats a watermelon.

You don’t see pics like this of Miley unless there is a snow cone, stripper pole and her dad somewhere in the background. Maybe Selena has it easy because Miley gets the majority of the attention and therefore will do no better than to end up like Britney and Lindsay…wait they all end in ‘y’ like Miley. Yeah she is screwed.

So there it is, I say Selena is better and although I could care less about either one of them, I know you do and therefore I write about them.

Team Selena son! Eat some face.

“I’m twenty,” country superstar Taylor Swift tweeted a few hours before she said goodbye to her teenage years. According to people.com, she celebrated her 20th birthday with a Christmas-themed party in Hendersonville, Tennessee.

Taylor Swift turned 20 last Sunday.

“It’s more like an end-of-year Christmas party that happens to be on my birthday,” she said. Instead of the predictable A-list party that most celebs do on their birthdays, Swift’s guest list was made up of her closest family and friends, bandmates, and tour crew. She even baked cookies and sweets for everyone.

Swift also donated $250,000 to schools all over the U.S. The money will be used to buy school supplies and fund teachers’ salaries. “Something I wanted to do at the end of this amazing year and especially on my birthday was give back to something I really believe in, which is education,” Swift said. “The schools that I went to and the amazing people I got to learn from really turned me into who I am, and I wanted to give back.”

As for special birthday presents that Swift received, we at Celebrific love her rumored boyfriend Taylor’s Lautner’s stint at SNL, wherein he defends Swift’s honor at a reenactment of the recent MTV Video Music Awards. He literally knocked bully Kanye West’s head off—his mannequin model, that is. Watch the SNL clip here:

I know you as well as I know Jill Flint, but you are going to go out to brunch with me on Sunday and you are paying. I have no shame in a woman paying for my meals and you look like the type of women that enjoys paying for me anyways. So who am I to refuse a woman that looks like Heidi Montag such a thing?

So for my last entry this week I am dedicating it to you. Are you worth such an honor? I have no idea, but you should feel honored and prove your happiness to me on Sunday AFTER brunch.

Here is Jill Flint. I had never heard of her before until today when after reading my previous three entries she invited me out to brunch. Who the hell does she think she is? Hollywood knows you don’t ask MrAlmostWrong out to anything! MrAlmostWrong asks you out to brunch so don’t get it twisted miss thang.

I don’t care that you have nice nails and great toes, I can look beyond that to see your tricks. Your casual smile and flawless hair have no effect on me. You probably want me to light a fire with my tender and your Flint. I won’t fall for it.

You see silly girl, I’m a professional in this game. I have been doing this for years and for you to think you can waltz right in here and dictate who I go out to brunch with is ridiculous.

Pick me up tomorrow at 10.

I don’t think I have ever seen her in anything besides Who’s the boss?, but why isn’t she more famous than she is now? She is mad hot and doesn’t seem to age at all. Deliciously hot. Did I just say deliciously? What in the hell does that even mean?

You see, that is the power of Milano. When you are named after a cookie you have to be delicious. Why didn’t she kiss me after our brunch in ’95? My breath was a little off back then because I was a on a Tang binge. I brushed my teeth with Tang, I ate my cereal with Tang and I bathed in Tang. I was a nice orange complexion, but I was still able to get the ladies.

I couldn’t seal the deal though because Milano is allergic to Tang. Anytime she got near my mouth she would break out in hives. Maybe she never recovered from that and that is why she doesn’t star in many things. Sorry Milano cookie breasts.

I think Alexis and I went out to brunch in ’99. I don’t remember what she ate because she was so short she could barely reach over the table. I definitely don’t remember her being this pale. No, I have no idea if she is starring in the next Twilight, but I figured she must be because she put some transparency lotion on to make her disappear. Look at her feet!

I know some people have ugly toes and wish to cover them up all the time, but I have never seen anyone take the strategy of trying to make your feet disappear. It is almost too brilliant to be realistic, but that is the thing about Alexis, she was always smarter than me. That is why we stood no chance.

I am not scared of intelligent women, I just refuse to date anyone that can beat me in Wheel of Fortune. Screw you Pat Sajak and tell that meanie Vanna White to stop calling me. You never give me enough vowels.

Oh, the lady next to Alexis is Katrina Bowden and yes she is hotter. So what. Eat a llama.

I’ve been struggling today. Everywhere I go it is Tiger Woods this or Tiger Woods that. I’ve been calling all my sources and all they want to do is talk about Tiger and I refuse to do that today. Instead I figured I would take you through a stroll down memory lane of the women I took out to brunch in the past. Why brunch you ask? Because it makes you look sophisticated and there is no obligation to do something with them after if you don’t want to. Plus, if you decide to pull the trigger and take them home then you still have most of the day left when you are done.

Here we have Ali Larter. She used to be cool and sexy and I’m not sure what happened to her. She wore the whip cream bikini in Varsity Blues like a champ, but now, she doesn’t seem to have that sizzle anymore. We went to brunch way back in ’96 and all she wanted to do was eat salmon. I have never seen someone request so much salmon in my life. It was actually kind of scary.

I figured she knew a secret about salmon that I didn’t, like it was good for your brain or helped you breathe longer underwater in case you were being waterboarded, but nope, she just likes to eat salmon. I’m not sure this has anything to do with how she looks in this picture, but if she got off the salmon she needs to get back on it and if she is still on it she needs to get off of it.

Eat some hotdogs or something.

First I come across this Natalie Portman Japanese commercial and now I have had the pleasure of laughing my testicles off with this Quentin Tarantino Japanese commercial. I’m telling you right now, everything is better in Japan, they know how to entertain with commercials.

America? We like to pretend that commercials are meant to inform us, that’s is garbage. I want commercials that make me stay in my chair to watch because I have enough TV shows that cause me to get up and leave.

Quentin, who knew you were a comical genius?

First, if you expected me NOT to use that joke as the title then obviously we haven’t gotten to know each other very well over the past two weeks. Sometimes you are given names and they are like softball pitches with a beachball. If you don’t hit them out of the park, someone else will and do you know how it feels when someone else hits your beachball out of the park?

You probably don’t because you were the person hitting the beachballs. You are an evil person and the dear Morgan Fairchild will spite you when she sees you. You must understand that she was born before the Grand Canyon was formed and therefore knows secrets of the Earth that you didn’t know existed.

She is forever beautiful, but she wasn’t always like this. It was a fateful December night when our lips locked and the sap of youth was returned to her body. Yes, I am the reason she still looks beautiful. I am the Tinkerbell of this world and since you have hit my beachball I shall fly away never to return.

Eat that Peter Pan.

The only reason I feel for this guy is because I have personally rejected 13 women who have proposed to me over the years. They didn’t take it very well, but it didn’t matter how they took it because I was the one calling the shots. It’s not like they asked my permission to even ask me in the first place which is a bad sign of a bad wife.

My wife will make sure to ask me if she can propose to me before she does it. That way there are no surprises for either of us. Nobody likes to propose to someone and not know what the answer will be so this is my way of getting rid of that horrible feeling.

I am a creator of happiness and rainbows.

My wife, Natalie Portman, wanted to buy herself a french poodle, but I wasn’t too keen on splashing down the cash for it so I told her she would have to go out and earn it herself. Being a resourceful chica she landed a starring role in a Japanese shampoo commercial and I must say this is my favorite work of hers.

Who knew my baby girl was so athletic. We all know she is beautiful and intelligent, but athletic and deadly with a pointed weapon? I didn’t know that and the reason I didn’t know that is because I don’t have a pointed weapon. I’m sorry if you do, but there is not pointy going on down here.

I do have a sword though. It’s more of a swashbuckler type of thing with a slight curve. I like to pretend I’m a pirate and go out and search for new booty. In pirate speak, ‘booty’ means treasure. In real life, ‘booty’ means treasure.

Don’t forget, I’m married to Natalie Portman.

One of the best and most underrated action movies this decade was Hitman. Olga Kurylenko is the token hot chick in it (she was also the token hot chick in Quantum of Solace) and man she is just beyond banging. She needs to get into more movies, but seeing as how she has a Russian accent that might be hard. Therefore, I am declaring a new rule for Hollywood, every movie has to have a role for a hot chick with an accent. Depending on what chick you find you could change where she is from.

With this rule in effect I don’t see why we can’t have Olga starring in a new movie every month. Jessica Simpson would even get more roles because of this rule. What? She is American? Stop trying to play me, she doesn’t sound American or even speak English for that matter.

Tired of all of you trying to take advantage of me because you perceive my kindness as a weakness. I will cut you, but thankfully I have Olga here to calm me down.

Thank Olga folks.

The 17-year-old Hollywood heartthrob has a penchant for playing onscreen heroes. First he was Sharkboy in 2005’s The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lava Girl. Then he showed off his werewolf muscles as Twilight and New Moon’s Jacob Black. Now he’s pegged to play the lead role in Max Steel, first reported by LA Times.

The superhero and action figure from Mattel became an animated hit for its kiddie fan base, but executives are taking it up a notch by letting Paramount Pictures produce it for the big screen.

photo from Mattel

Lautner will play Josh McGrath, an extreme-sports athlete who gets accidentally exposed to nanotechnological machines. The machines’ powers become part of him, thus giving him increased strength and the ability to change his appearance.

It’s going to be a lucrative 2010 for Lautner. Mattel recently announced that they will release a Jacob Black Barbie doll at the same time the New Moon DVD will be released in February 2010.

His movie, Valentine’s Day, opposite rumored girlfriend Taylor Swift will hit theaters on February 14. He will also be busy shooting the third and fourth installments of The Twilight Saga. Talk about a busy schedule!

Look at her shadow. I have seen thousands of pictures of celebs on the red carpet and I don’t think once have I ever seen a shadow. I know I don’t pay attention to such things because I am usually staring at their necks, but how could you miss this one?!

Her shadow is simply tired of hiding in the spotlight of this no talent hack. So on this night it had a pep talk with itself in the mirror and told itself that it was going to shine. And shine it does.

Have you ever looked at a woman’s shadow and thought to yourself that you would buy it a dozen roses, take it to a nice dinner and tell it you love it without lying? I have and first dibs suckers! Stay away from my shadow queen!

MINE!