Whenever I order fast food from Carl’s Jr., I love how their burgers and fries make a wonderful treat after a stressful day. What I don’t understand is their advertising. Why does it always have to be hot stars who look like they’re about to hump a burger?

First, it was Paris Hilton’s Carl’s Jr. Spicy BBQ Burger commercial. If it wasn’t for the huge burger she devoured in the near end of the TVC, I would’ve thought it was another Night in Paris. That carwash commercial has been banned from TV, by the way.

Now it’s Kim Kardashian’s turn. Although it’s not as racy at Paris’, the commercial shows the sexy reality star sprawled in bed eating a Cranberry Apple Walnut Chicken Salad.

Whose ad do you like better?

I have no idea who she is and I won't bother looking it up. In fact, she might be a person that just took these photographs at Wal-Mart while waiting for her prescription to be filled. That almost makes it a funny kind of story and one that you would read about in People magazine. Celebs always make up horrible stories of how they were discovered.

When they come to interview me I am going to tell them that James Cameron found me at the bottom of a well one day and was going to cast me in Leo's role for Titanic, but found that Kate Winslett never wanted to get out of bed when she was with me and therefore the movie would never get finished. A little fact that you might not be aware of is that I came up with the "I'm the king of the world" line and just winged it. Jimmy, that's what I call James Cameron, loved it so much he made sure to put it in the script.

I never got any compensation for it, but the movie was named after my man part. I'll let you figure out why. Wink, wink.

The title pretty much sums up my thoughts on this chick. In fact I would be surprised if you read the rest of this entry because it probably won't be anything that you want to read about. Snow is a common term for blow which is a common term for cocaine. So you could easily look at this women and think about cocaine and I'm not saying that is a good thing, I'm saying that is a horrible thing.

Catastrophic the things that you can come up with when you really put your mind to it and it's sad to see the world come crumbling down like this. Now I really have no idea what I am talking about. I just got done watching District 9 and I am wondering how it would've been different had Brittany Snow been in it. Would there be more passion and emotion? I have a feeling it would be more raw and in your face.

You can sense that about her in her eyes. She is daring and out there and wishes to be a star, but the only thing that holds her back are her tiny sausage like fingers. You can't be a star with stubs like that. I'm just joking, many people have stubby fingers and are megastars. Megan Fox has toethumb and she seems to be doing alright.

I enjoy lollipops at night dipped in vodka. That's the best I can do when I write about Brittany Snow. Sorry.

I mean what can I say about Stacy Keibler that hasn't been said before? Probably anything because nothing is ever said about her. She was a WWE wrestler then became really famous on Dancing With the Stars and now she just walks around looking good. People probably pay her just for that. Could you imagine walking the streets and people paying you simply because you look good.

Would that type of career make you half of a hooker? I mean you are walking the streets and accepting payments, but you aren't doing anything sexually to the person that is paying you. I might have to give it a shot one day, of course that would require me looking good and walking around and how often does that happen? I don't keep a tight figure like I used to when I was 10 years old, but I figure if I went on an all kiwi diet I would be straight.

Kiwis are very good for you and allow you to look your best at night time. That is because they help you grow back hair and at night when the moon shines against your back hairs it looks like sparkles. You could almost be mistaken for a vampire in Twilight.

If you are wondering if sometimes my own thoughts scare me then you would be correct that they do. I haven't slept in 8 years because my thoughts only stop working when I die and I haven't done that in 8 years...coincidence? I think not.

Admit it, you read the headline and thought I meant she actually had sex with the whole country of Australia and you didn’t even flinch. That usually isn’t a good thing. I’m not saying that she would actually have sex with a whole country, but you can never put anything over a very determined woman. I mean if she did something like this does that put her in the Oscar race? At the very least it should get her a nomination for a SAG.

Now I have to wonder if anyone has even attempted to try something like this and if so would it be an actress? I mean I don’t think it could hurt your career if you did since we all assume that young actresses get around. Okay, that was a bad thing to say, but would you expect anything less of me.

I mean even if she did do a whole country I don’t think that would stop me from asking her for some ice cream. I thoroughly enjoy some ice cream with a woman after they have had sex. Not with me of course or with anyone else I know, but with a complete stranger. That doesn’t make me twisted, it just makes me a human who can appreciate the development of ice cream.

Waffle cone double scoop if you got it please.

Apparently, Bar Refaeli didn’t like the fact that Miranda Kerr was named our Model of the Year last year and has vowed to win it this year. We usually are against fighting between models, but in this case we are completely for it. Competition only brings out the best in us so it makes sense for all models to throw down the gauntlet in their pursuit of the coveted Celebrific crown.

What is great about Bar is that by default she always makes it into the Top 5 not because of her looks, which do deserve Top 5 status, but because of her name. There are just too many ways you can play around with it and never sound like a jackass. She could even throw down some disses. Whenever she is mad at her boyfriend and doesn’t want to give it up, she simply has to say “Sorry honey, the Bar is closed.” BAM! That’s right in the face right there.

However, that also means that a female that isn’t a lesbian has a sense of humor. We know how rare that is right? So rare that it never happens. Oh man was that a sexist comment? I don’t think it was because I am neutral gendered. I have no gender and therefore I can’t be biased, only a realist.

No I wasn’t born like this, but after the freak accident at the nuclear plant some things didn’t go the way I had wanted them to. I don’t want to go into details as the

She used to top Hollywood’s A-List. Now Mischa is sliding down the celebrity ladder faster than you can spell O.C.

Exhibit A: In April 2008, she received three years’ probation for a DUI she committed the previous winter.

Exhibit B: In July, she was hospitalized and placed under Section 5150 of the California Welfare and Institutions Code, which means that “authorities can hold a person involuntarily if they present a danger to themselves or others, are gravely disabled, or suffer from a mental disorder.” Yes, it was the same code used to hold Britney Spears twice in Los Angeles in 2008.

Exhibit C: Her new series The Beautiful Life was canceled in September after only two episodes because the ratings didn’t pick up.

Exhibit D: To bring some sizzle back into her career, the 23-year-old booked a job with Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. In the upcoming March 3 episode, she’s going to play Gladys, a prostitute who’s out to make trouble for Detective Olivia Benson, Mariska Hargitay’s character. Will you save that on TiVo?

Somebody help Mischa! She needs a career move that actually works.

The tattletale is Miao Lijie, friend and former WNBA teammate of Yao Ming’s wife, Ye Li. Shanghai Daily reported that when Miao attended the Shanghai world expo last Monday, a reporter asked her why Ye couldn’t come. Miao replied, “a pregnant woman deserves less public activities.” She forgot that the NBA couple has not yet announced the pregnancy.

Yao Ming, 29, and wife Ye Li, 28, at an event in China. The two got hitched in July 2007.

Yao’s spokesperson Zhang Chi had no choice but to confirm the news. She revealed that the baby will be born sometime in July and that the couple is hoping it’s a boy. Yao, after all, is NBA’s tallest player at 7-foot-6-inches, while Ye stands at 6-foot-2. Now imagine if the baller couple had a girl.

She hasn’t been featured on any magazine covers for a while, so it’s nice to see Hilary Duff as Nylon magazine’s first cover girl of the year.

Photo from Just Jared

The 22-year-old talks about her clothing line, Femme for DKNYJeans, her “rad” mom, and her role as Olivia Burke on Gossip Girl. “I was a little hesitant,” she said about her GG character. “It was kind of close to home… then I realized, I would never say something [that Olivia says].”

Notice that she’s looking a bit curvier—a refreshing change from her extreme weight loss the past few years.

And why is Sarah Jessica Parker the only one on the movie poster?

When the official trailer for Sex and The City 2 was released last month, diehard fans were disappointed to find out that no major plot was unveiled. Unless director Michael Patrick King is keeping the juicy bits under wraps until opening night on May 28, the trailer doesn’t seem to have anything exciting other than the usual.

All four girls look sexy and stylish as always. Carrie is happily married to Big; Samantha has her eye on a new boy toy; Charlotte is mommy of the year, while Miranda is more fashionable. The four girlfriends are planning a trip to Morocco, and Miley Cyrus has a cameo.

That’s it. Unless something naughty and scandalous is waiting in Morocco, SATC fans are biting nails in anticipation.

The middle Jonas has his eyes set on more serious acting, and his dream role is (drumroll, please) James Bond. “I’m willing to read for anything,” Joe said. “Acting is something I love and I want to do it all. It would be an awesome dream to get a part in a James Bond movie,” the 20-year-old shared. He’s also considering auditioning for the part of a villain.

Agent 007?

The Jonas Brothers are huge fans of Casino Royale actor Daniel Craig. “DC is the best and it would be an honor. It’s a prestigious film series,” Joe said. Sorry, Joe. A teen heartthrob you are; a dashing secret agent you’re not. The only Bond scene I can realistically see Joe doing is a comedy spoof for Disney.

W.T.F.Question mark. If history serves me correctly there was a time when Jennifer Lopez was the hottest butt on the block. In fact, I’m positive she was. She had the number #1 album and number #1 movie in the same week. She was all over the place. Then she married Skeletor, had some kids and basically dropped off the cool person’s map.

Now she is trying to make a comeback and although she is still a beautiful woman, I’m not sure she knows what she is doing with regards to fashion. I think she is trying too hard to push the envelope and just can’t pull it off like Lady Gaga. When did she wear this outfit? On New Year’s Eve of course with the whole world watching. It makes perfect sense.

If you ever wish to make a splash back on the scene you do it on New Year’s Eve, in New York, on national television and in a skin tight outfit. I mean haven’t we seen others do the exact same steps and benefit? We haven’t? Oh well then it makes perfect sense as something you just don’t do. Ever. Like ever ever. Even when you are desperate.

I can’t even give her a WTF cowboy on this one because it is so ridiculous and I always give out WTF cowboys. I give them out as if I were going out of style and trying to make a comeback. Giddy up horsey.

According to New York Daily News, Wedding Crashers and Couples Retreat star Vince Vaughn married his girlfriend Kyla Weber in a small private ceremony the day after New Year’s. The 39-year-old actor proposed to the 31-year-old real estate agent last Valentine’s Day, almost a year after they began dating.

Vince Vaughn at a photocall on October 15, 2009 in London, England.

Astrologists and psychics say that your mood during the first few days of the New Year will set your overall disposition and fortune for the rest of the year. Good job, Vince and Kyla. Cheers!

On one hand you have to feel sorry for all the girls in the group not named Nicole, but then you remember they are making bank anyways so really who cares about them gaining any identity? Nicole carries the group with her vocals and without those these are just strippers with voices that autotunes probably couldn’t fix.

Shut up and dance I say.

Due to my contractual agreements I actually have to say more than that which kind of sucks because I mean this entry is about the Pussycat Dolls. Are they burlesque dancers? A Vegas show? A music group? Puppets? I am going to go with puppets on this one.

Okay, I know you were wondering what the other group members’ names were so here ya go: Ashley Roberts, Jessica Sutta, Melody Thornton, and Kimberly Wyatt. Sorry, I can’t point out who is who and really you don’t care because your eyes are too busy undressing Nicole. That makes you a sick person. Just because she has perfect skin, great curves and the hair of a goddess doesn’t give you the right to look at her as a sex queen.

She is great in bed though. I’m not saying that from personal experience, I am just saying that. I say the sun rises in the East and although I haven’t experienced it, it doesn’t make it any less true. You see how I did that? Good, because I just did that.

Remember them? In 2002, this Russian duo captured the pop world’s attention when they announced that they’re lesbian and hot for each other. Turns out Lena Katina and Yulia Volkova were neither gay nor romantically involved with each other.

photo from t.A.T.u’s official website. And yes, that is how you should spell their name.

In 2004, Yulia got pregnant and their faux lesbianism was put to rest—along with their career. They tried to salvage their stardom with the album Dangerous and Moving in 2005, but watching female singers kiss and caress each other on live television is sooo 2003, thanks to Madonna, Britney, and Christina.

t.A.T.u. then: “All The Things She Said,” which became an MTV hit in 2002

The girls are giving it one last shot with their new album Waste Management, released just last December. The question is, will fans still bite?

t.A.T.u. now: “White Robe” from their third and newest album Waste Management

This is January Jones. Yes, she is named after the current month. Makes you wonder how much she hates the month of January. I was kind of hoping that after I looked up her information that I would find out she was born in March, but she really is born in January. She is also from South Dakota, which lets me know she is easily the hottest person from there. Also, after she moved to Hollywood the population of the state dropped to 9.

These photos are from InStyle. I don’t read that magazine and I don’t know any woman that does. Makes you wonder if InStyle is actually out of style. Get it? That was actually a good joke if you heard me say it in my January Jones voice.

When we date I don’t think I will call her January, I will call her JJ. If her middle name also begins with a ‘j’ I will call her Triple-J. That is a much cooler name than January, although January is a very cool name.

She would walk into the kitchen naked to make me some pancakes and I would say “what’s up Triple J, love the smell.” The smell wouldn’t actually be the food, but her shampoo that I bought her. It is made from the milk of a yak and is very healthy. I have no idea what a yak looks like or if they even exist anymore, but somehow I would get its milk because I am resourceful like that. Indeed.

I know that in the past I have kind of made fun of her for looking like an alien, but apparently she only does when the camera is pointed directly at her face. In these pics she is just plain smoking hot and it’s no wonder she won’t stop calling me. You see, I have this problem that whenever a woman is extremely hot, they feel the need to call me up. I can’t explain it and after years of trying to prevent it I have given up and just let it be as it is.

The cool thing is that she is in Tron Legacy and I only say that is cool because I wanted to reference Tron somewhere in this post and I couldn’t very well say Tron without putting cool next to it. Although the film is very CGI heavy I have to wonder if they will CGI her face very much. I mean in the world of Tron is her head any bigger? Did they have to shrink it some along with her giant eyes?

They wear helmets in Tron so did they have to get a special one just to fit her? These are questions that I hope are answered in the movie and if they aren’t then you know they are clearly hoping for a sequel. Those movie producers are so wily.

Death is no laughing matter and I hate to trivialize it, but it’s hard to say that you didn’t see this one coming. Casey Johnson was known as a lover of drugs and she has no problem making it known. The Johnson & Johnson heiress was found dead in LA.

According to TMZ:

Johnson was reportedly engaged to Tila Tequila. We spoke with Tila a few minutes ago. She says they were fighting last week and that Casey stayed at Tila’s house on the 28th. Tila tried contacting Casey on the 29th because Casey had left her dogs behind. Tila says Casey’s phone has been shut off since the 29th and she was not able to make contact.

It sucks to see someone die so young, but when your family are billionaires is it really that hard to force your child to get some help? I won’t even go into the details of how Tila Tequila is milking the death in the most pathetic way possible. But then again, should we expect anything less from a woman that poses like this on purpose for the paparazzi?

Enough said. I didn’t know you Casey, but may the next life serve you better than this one.

Thanks to her stint with the late Michael Jackson, Australian guitarist/singer Orianthi Panagaris’ name went up in lights faster than you can say guitar hero. It’s too bad the 24-year-old is undermining her skills with her mediocre career choices.

Orianthi’s album Believe was released worldwide in the last quarter of 2009.

For one thing, she is relying too much on the MJ hullabaloo. Sure, if it wasn’t for that iconic This Is It scene where the King of Pop lets her take center stage to show off her mad guitar skills, Orianthi would just be another little-known backup guitarist.

For her recent stint on Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve with Ryan Seacrest, Orianthi’s promo video just had to mention the Michael Jackson thing again (see video below). We already know she’s a brilliant guitarist, so let’s hope that in 2010 she’ll try to stand on her own two feet and let her strum do the talking. As MJ put it, “It’s your turn to shine.”

If you’ve seen This Is It, you’ll know that her amazing guitar skills can put her at par with Carlos Santana, Eric Clapton, and even Van Halen. It makes me wonder why this talented sheila decided to follow the predictable pop/rock princess route. Did anyone else notice that her marketing package is too reminiscent of Avril Lavigne and Ashlee Simpson?

Although her catchy debut single “According To You” peaked at #6 in Australia and #36 in the US, I know she can do so much better than that. I’m talking about intense rock tunes or even pop mash-ups that don’t require the humdrum “I’m an empowered angst-ridden bubblegum princess with cool clothes and hot guys” mantra. It’s like she’s flipping burgers when I know she can whip up a fine gourmet cuisine.

C’mon, Orianthi. Think outside of the box.