From the pseudo-real headlines of the celebrity blogosphere today, you’d think that it was Lindsay Lohan underwent brain surgery, not Barbara Walters. Oh no, wait, that was heart valve surgery. Anyway, Lindsay’s progress is very good right now, thank you very much. So you can stop worrying about her. She doesn’t need a brain transplant.

LA Superior Court Judge Marsha Revel confirmed LiLo is progressing in her alcohol education program. Good on you, Lindsay. Maybe now when you party, you can control yourself. If you can’t, give me a call and I’ll set you straight. I’ll even drive you around for your traffic school classes. I mean, you already seem to have forgotten that you have certain obligations to complete THIS Thursday. Kind of hard to do from France, since you decided to go to Cannes instead of finishing up your final four classes.

Now what I’d like to know, Linds, is why the heck you’re promoting your Linda Lovelace role in Inferno when the word now is that you’re supposedly not confirmed for it? Oh and hey, I think you’d be a great “grindhouse” star. If you want to do any, give me a call; I have some ideas for you. Bring lots of money. If you have any left. If not, maybe you could try for Bollywood, because whatever you’ve been having done to your face is making you look “exotic”. In fact, you’re kinda starting to look like Aishwarya Rai’s weird cousin or something. Now whatever you do, please please please don’t pull a Michael Jackson and go overboard. You were actually a wholesome, cute redhead at one time, and now you’re verging on a strange sort of Vampirella. Wait!! Vampirella? Let’s do a remake: Lilorella. Have, um, your, um, people, um, call, um, mine.