Well, the Oscars have come and gone and we can only look forward to the 79th annual Academy Awards as well as the lasting fashion impressions seen on the red carpet Sunday evening.

Theron Oscars 2006.jpg Long-legged beauty Charlize Theron surprised us all by wearing a big-bowed Christian Dior which really didn’t optimize her statuesque figure. You know, if I had the world and pretty much endless cash at my disposal, I think I would have gone with something that would have made me look a little less like a Disney character. She also, as always, decked it out with Chopard earrings.
Knightley Oscars 2006.jpg Keira Knightley was looking smashing in a one-shouldered Vera Wang with Bulgari necklace. The charming British actress is at once alluring and mischievous.
Gyllenhaal Oscars 2006.jpg Ahhh, Maggie Gyllenhaal always gets my goat, she’s such a cutie. Jake’s big sis, seen here with Peter Sarsgaard, chose Bottega Veneta as her Oscar night dress. With pockets! Finally a good place to hide your stash at upscale events! She’s such a peach. A delicious, juicy, plump and ready to eat, peach. Oh, excuse me. I forgot you were still there. Well, can you blame me? Did you see Secretary?
QueenLatifa Oscars 2006.jpg Would it be an Oscars celebration without Queen Latifah? I don’t think so. Here is the queen herself in Carmen Marc Valvo with Chopard as a jeweled sidekick. The woman who will be in just about any movie, like a counterpart Dennis Hopper, lit up the night with black ruffled love.
Giamatti Oscars 2006.jpg The man who would be ugly and always scraggly looking, Paul pass-me-the-Pinot Giamatti went with a traditional tux by Hugo Boss. My question, who is the large and in charge buxom woman tucked around the Cinderella Man actor? Shake your money-makers, shake those pillowy money-makers!
Swank Oscars 2006.jpg Hilary Swank did better this year with a swanky Versace. But where are her boobs? Did she loose them on the way to the red carpet event? Did she feel sorry for the less fortunate and donate them to Maggie G? Where are they? Are we going to get a ransom note from Dolly Parton saying that she will digest them unless we let her take over Italy? I’m just saying, where the hell did they go?
Lopez Oscars 2006.jpg Ah, J Lo. The flavor of umm, two years ago? She went for a classier look with a vintage gown from Rita Watnick at City et Cie. I can’t believe we’re not seeing any crotch or barely any cleavage. Maybe J Lo is turning over a much needed leaf. Oh yeah, she marries & humps anything in sight. Gosh, did you see her doing it with that African spotted wolf?
Bullock & Reeves Oscars 2006.jpg Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves look like they would rather cop a feel from a bird flu infected rabid cat than stand too close to each other. Jeez, did Bullock’s new hubby, Monster Garage’s Jesse James, make Sandra swear she would never touch another biker? Sandra is stylin, though not in the hair department, with an Angel Sanchez dress- pockets are in this year! Reeves is sporting a Giorgio Armani, although I was hoping for just leather chaps- weren’t you?
Busey Oscars 2006.jpg “Frank. let me see that invitation list, dammit! Who the hell added Gary Busey?” I’m fairly certain it happened just that way. Why else would crazy-man Busey be at the Oscars except an invitation mishap?
Aniston Oscars 2006.jpg Oh, Jennifer. You cannot help but look like a sweet, charming young lady. Damn that bastard Brad and his blood-fiend Angelina. Damn them! Anniston looks innocent and lovely in a Rochas with Bulgari jewels.
Burton & Carter Oscars 2006.jpg Umm, make your very interesting and creative movies, Tim Burton & Helen Bonham-Carter, but maybe leave the special effects at home? Did we go back to the 80’s and I wasn’t informed? Well, surf’s up everyone and we’re riding Helen’s hair.
Garner Oscars 2006.jpg Jennifer Garner does look ravishing in a Michael Kors number. I’d have to say she looks top ten. A lovely piece, both of them.
alba Oscars 2006.jpg OK, OK. I know who you want. Jessica Alba delights our fancies with a Versace dress that looks fantastic on this beauty star. She delights my eyes with her loveliness, my ears with her laughter and my thoughts with…….well, that might be enough for now.

Well, it was a star-studded and fashion-savvy evening and I feel a better person for it, or I’m going to end it now over a high mountaintop because I shall never see the likes of Versace on me. I guess I’ll content myself to continue to live vicariously through Hilary Swank. “Excuse me. Excuse me, Sir. Have you seen my boobs? It appears as if I’ve lost them somewhere along the way.”

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