When trying to figure out the comeback star of the year it was pretty easy. Sandra Bullock, who is 45 and still looking suhweet, starred in a couple of blockbusters after having a couple of flops previously. I mean did anyone see The Blind Side doing this well? I sure didn’t. It’s on pace to do over 200M+ domestically for a film that doesn’t tell the real story of a football player. I mean the story is pretty much fake. Yeah I said it, fake.

The football guy it is supposed to be about has been playing football since 6th grade, not high school. Does that matter to these writers? Nope. They could learn a thing or two from Celebrific about sticking to the facts and only presenting what is real to people. You don’t see any of us writing down fantasies just to increase our revenues. We don’t do that kind of stuff here because we believe the truth wins in the end.

The picture of Sandra above is a private one that I had for a number of years. I took it when she first saw me. I’m not surprised by her reaction, but I must admit this is the first time I was able to capture a woman ripping off their shirt when they see me. They usually do it so fast that I am unable to capture the moment, but I was on my toes for this one. I liked that shirt, shame she had to waste it, but at least some good came out of it.

I hate having to get up to get a towel.

I was walking down the street yesterday when I encountered this beauty and I had to find out who she was. Since I didn’t know her name I plugged myself into the Matrix and used the facial recognition search engine and discovered that it was Shiri Appleby. Before I started to write her a personal love letter I needed to find out more about her so I visited her IMDB page and discovered that her resume reads like a list of every show/movie you have never heard of before. I was baffled because such beauty deserves to be in front of a larger audience.

I quickly practiced my jiu-jitsu against Morpheus, broke up with Trinity and increased the size of my muscles so I would be prepared for the epic showdown against the evil Hollywood execs that are looking to hold my dear Shiri back.

They fired bullets at me and I didn’t dodge them because that is completely unrealistic. Instead, I was patient with them and talked to them to try and understand their frustration of life and why they had any hostility towards me. After 30 minutes of talking they finally understood that I wasn’t the enemy, but the guns that were shooting them out into the real world unprepared were. They quickly turned around and started to beat on their oppressors.

Once the execs saw the powers that I possessed they quickly agreed to make Shiri the star of the next Judd Apatow flick and cast her as Wonder Woman, The Nude Era.

This all is true.

EVERY single time you see a picture of Leighton Meester it has to be her doing something sexy. She stars in Gossip Girl and only does sexy pics. That is a great thing for the public, but a bad thing for her because soon she will see that is all she can do. For this reason I am naming her the Hot Soon to be Forgotten of 2009. Look at her now and bask in her beauty because by this time next year you probably won’t remember her at all.

It’s just the way the pattern goes.

If you don’t believe me, I could prove it to you by naming a ton of ex-celebs that fell into the same trap, but that would require me doing some research because I have forgotten about them. It wouldn’t make sense to be labeled the soon to be forgotten if you are never forgotten don’t you think?

Anyways, she was born in Florida, I was born in Florida and because of this we are destined to meet and make love on the beach. I’m not sure if I will have to wait in line behind a 100 guys to do so, but I also know that it is not my destiny to ignore fate otherwise there would be no coincidence with my karma. That sentence made absolutely no sense, to you. It made perfect sense to me because I have been studying high above the Himalayas the great Zen art of bootyism.

Hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

It isn’t easy being a natural redhead. You either fall into two camps: 1) hot 2) maybe you should consider being a lesbian. This is what made Lindsay Lohan so appealing, she was an attractive redhead. Now, she is just another trashy blonde. Fortunately, we still have Amy Adams around to keep the redhead interests alive and she doesn’t seem like the type to fall off the horse.

From what I hear she was great in Julie & Julia and has a quirky sense of humor that makes her even more attractive. For this reason I am naming her the greatest redhead on the planet and also because it is hard for me to think of other redheads of significance. Unfortunately, she suffers from the sometime disease. The sometime disease is when a person only looks hot sometimes. These pictures are a great example, she looks gorgeous, but catch her when she doesn’t get done up and you probably wouldn’t give her a second glance.

She starts the new year off with a new movie called Leap Year. I won’t see it and you probably won’t either, but I’m sure it is a quirky romantic comedy where she plays a clumsy, yet lovable person hoping to find her soulmate. I only know this because it is the only role she plays. Some people just have that niche locked down so I can’t blame her. It is like Shia Lebouf always playing the bumbling idiot that says ‘no, no, no’ a hundred times.

Know your strengths and stick with them kids, you will go far.

The epic showdown between Selena Gomez and Miley Cyrus started earlier this month and I figured Selena sealed it with this set of photos. However, she wasn’t finished and a new set of photos have come out which I believe put an definite end to the debate for 2009. Miley has a chance to redeem herself in 2010 when she also turns 18, but it isn’t looking too good for her.

Is there any doubt after you look at this set of pics that Selena is going to grow up to be a pretty classy lady in the same mold as…damn, someone help me think of some classy celebs that exist today. Lindsay Lohan? Ah, how about Natalie Portman, there we go. Hard to say anything bad about her and she stays out of the headlines.

I’m not sure if Selena wishes to have a bigger music or acting career, but either way the future isn’t too bright for her. I only say this because Disney manufactured superstars don’t do well when they break out on their own. Justin Timberlake and Christina Aguilera seem to be the two exceptions so far, so hopefully Selena follows their trajectories and not the one that Britney laid down.

Just to make it up to Miley in 2010, I will boycott posting any Selena Gomez pictures in January unless it is accompanied by some juicy gossip. That way, Miley has all of January to step up in this epic battle. I wish you luck daughter of the deranged father.

There’s nothing like watching Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve with Ryan Seacrest live on ABC at the comfort of your living room with a bucket of popcorn while secretly envying those who went out to party.

This year’s shindig will be hosted by Dick Clark, Ryan Seacrest and Melissa Rycroft from New York City’s Times Square, while Fergie will be hosting live from Las Vegas.

If you weren’t invited to the town’s hottest parties, you can always tell your friends you rocked out with The Black Eyed Peas, Selena Gomez, Justin Bieber, Keri Hilson, Colbie Caillat, Orianthi, Chris Daughtry and Robin Thicke.

Cheers from Celebrific!

First Dave LaChappelle gave us Alyssa Milano cooking nude and now he gives us a strange Thora Birch. It’s not like she wasn’t weird enough already, but I mean these pics put her in a new light. I’m not even sure what happened to her, but maybe having big breasts isn’t all you need to succeed in this world. I’m going to have to look up what she is up to now. Be right back.

Well apparently she is still acting, her upcoming projects include Pregnancy Pat, Cavegirl, and Crossmaglen. Those sound like winners to me. I’m not sure why she doesn’t get the role of Breastgirl in the next Batman movie. You haven’t read the comic with Breastgirl in it? She was Batman’s most horrific foe and almost ended his life by the sheer size of her breasts.

I’m not going to into detail how she almost pulled this off, but if you use your imagination you can come up with the scenario. Just think about milk, a tank filled with sharks and lots of veins showing. Wow, I made myself laugh at that one. That is the true sign of a comedian, the ability to make himself laugh without regarding the sense of humor of the crowd.

If you don’t laugh at my jokes it doesn’t bother me, in fact it only makes me stronger. Like Thora Birch against this bear. She is strong and her hair of wrath will easily defeat the vicious stuffed animal. If you are ever in trouble call TB, she will save you.

On my next birthday I will be sure to have a photographer follow me around and I will do annoying poses while the onlookers get jealous. Maybe you could suggest what poses I do. If you see a woman like this in the club and she is acting crazy simply because it is birthday do you stare, ignore or join in on the fun?

I would join in on the fun because I am not one to shy away from a great photog opportunity. Yes, I said photog because that is what we say in the industry. If you didn’t know that then obviously you aren’t in the industry and if you do believe you are in the industry, well I guess you shouldn’t be.

And let’s talk about the fact that Hugh Hefner had his penis inside of her. How do you continue to live with a smile after having done something like that? is it really some woman’s dream to grow up and finally have sex with a 100 year old man? How awkward must it be to be one of his girlfriends and all of you stare at each other in the nude playing paper, rock, scissors trying to figure out who gets to ride the old pony next.

In this scenario is it best to get it out of the way or attempt to be last because you know he can barely go half a round let alone three of them? I am going to have a hard time sleeping tonight.

You would think that with Lady Gaga winning the weird of the year that she would also win the most outrageous outfit of the year, but she doesn’t. This prestigious award goes to Katy Perry who I am pretty sure will not make another hit record for as long as she lives.

Add to the fact she is with Russell Brand and all I see is failure happening to her in 2010. And why is it every time she shows up the attention is brought to her breasts as if she has the greatest pair on planet Earth. I just don’t see it. She wears some great pushup bras and that seems to be the extent of it all.

So what, you kissed a girl and you liked it. I kiss a girl all the time and I like it, but I don’t go around bragging to everyone I know because it happens. Maybe I should create a song for every spectacular thing that I do.

I made a grilled cheese sandwich with bacon and I liked it. I avoided running over that stray cat and rammed my car into a tree breaking my ribs and I didn’t like it. Last week I found a spiderweb with a very cool design and thought I saw the face of Bette Midler in it, but I wasn’t sure if I liked it or not.

Expect to see all of these hits coming to your iPod next year. I can already smell the money rolling in.

I’ve already commented on her skinny behind, but now there is something even more important that I need to bring up. I think she really is an alien because if you look closely around her belly button she has two nipples. For all you math majors out there that means she has four nipples total like an alien would.

Another theory I have is that she was abducted by aliens and to better the human race they implanted these extra nipples on her. The reason she is so skinny is because if you have four people sucking the milk out of your nipples at once, it is impossible to hold weight.

Okay, maybe that was going a bit too far, but you can’t say that you aren’t picturing that now. I certainly am. God, I need to get a life because my insanity is starting to reach epic levels. Epic levels.

Either way, she is going to marry me and if we don’t have quadruplets then I am not sure how we are going to handle the quad-nipple situation. We can work through it together because that is what couples do.

We are happy and by ‘we’ I mean me. I am happy because I actually talked about a celebrity for a whole entry without deviating into some random dribble that you don’t care about.

What? That last paragraph had nothing to do with Zoe? Of course it did because I mentioned dribble which is the pet name I have for her. Once again, don’t judge me.

Here is Eva Mendes in the Russian Elle. I always wondered why they had different versions of magazines and why most of them are ten times better than the American versions. I know we are more prudish in America, but that is no reason to leave us with the boring photo spreads.

In 2010, we need to start a warcry proclaiming our need for sexier photoshoots. For the ladies, show more men laying on unicorns topless. For the men, stop including words in magazines, we just need pictures.

Oh, you want me to talk about Eva? Well she isn’t that bad of an actress. I find that I am usually hit or miss with her in movies. 2 Fast, 2 Furious she wasn’t that good, while in…damn I can’t think of a movie she was good in, but I’m sure one exists. I wonder if you are this good looking do you try to coast on your looks and don’t worry about your acting chops, it would make sense.

Life must be hard when you look at it from that perspective. I’m being serious here, you want to be accepted for your abilities, but all people do is stare at your perfectly shaped breasts. What a tough life. They hand you a million dollars just for smiling. I feel so bad for her.

Who am I kidding? She deserves it, but that doesn’t mean I have to respect her for it. That money should be mine. I am the one putting in the 28 hour years busting my bum trying to make a penny. When is my luck going to change? Probably when I stop looking like I got beat of the head with a chainsaw.

No this isn’t a porn site and you can catch naked celebs elsewhere, but when there is a fully clothed pornstar walking around we have to post about it because that is really big celebrity news. This beauty’s name is Sunny Leone and trust me, I know ALL of her work and I haven’t even seen her with a hair clip until today.

I’m not sure if this is a Halloween picture or not, but it makes you wonder what pornstars go dressed as for Halloween. Do they dress slutty? What would be the fun in that? They dress like that for work and everyday casual use anyways. I’m guessing a ton of them dress like nuns because it is funny and ironic in an Alanis Morrissette kind of way.

Could you date a pornstar? I keep on telling myself that I couldn’t because I like my ego and I think they would crush my ego in ten seconds flat. How would they accomplish that? If I have to tell you then I would be crushing my own ego and that doesn’t make any sense.

Back to Sunny. She is hot. She is fine. She is intelligent. I said that last thing just to make it seem I’m not all about the looks of an individual. You must understand I have been called materialistic and a pig in the past and I am trying my best to shed that image.

Posting pics of pornstars isn’t probably a good way to go about things.

Before Kim Kardashian stepped out on to the scene with her ability to transfix the human vortex there was Vida Guerra. You are all too young to remember her fleeting fame on the internet, but she was purely famous because of her butt. She couldn’t act, couldn’t sing, and I’m not sure if she can even talk.

In fact, I’m not sure how she is still getting invited to events. I’m pretty sure she just wears outfits like this and by the time someone realizes that she isn’t on the list to get in it is too late. I mean if a woman looking like this and wearing this outfit showed up to your private party would you turn her away?

Wait here for a second while I go and do some research. Wow, forgive me Ms. Guerra. Apparently she was in National Lampoon’s Dorm Daze 2 and has released an album. So you did in fact cash in on your useless fame. I can’t hate on you for that.

However, you must realize your strengths and that is bikini, lingerie and nude modeling. I feel you can make a huge difference in this world by sticking with these activities. Be smart, save the world.

Here is Tyra Banks when she didn’t talk. She did what she does best and that is show some skin. Now? All we think about is how annoying she is with her talk show. She has pretended to be fat, a bum and horse manure gatherer…okay I made that last one up.

I mean I am all for expanding your limits and trying something new, but don’t try something new that makes you completely annoying to everyone on planet Earth.

This will be the last season of The Tyra Show. I’ve been loving having fun, coming into your living rooms, bedrooms, hair salons for the past 5 years. My next huge steps will allow me to reach more women and young girls to help us all feel as fierce as we truly are.
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I’d probably have fun to if she actually did come into my bedroom, but I don’t remember that night. And really Tyra, hair salons? You can do better than that. Say you had a great time coming into our spas and resorts at least, not our ghetto saloons. Damn, I said saloon and not salon. Not sure what a saloon is, but cowboys seem to enjoy them.

I’m pretty sure women only wore bikinis in them.

I, um, don’t even know what to say about this pic. It was taken by Dave LaChappelle who of course is a photography genius, but even this one might be too out there for him. Also this photo gives me too much to work with that I am having a hard time narrowing down the angle I want to go with it.

Do I focus on the weird eye makeup? The wearing a pot top as a hat? The leather gloves? The perfectly flipped eggs? No, I will focus on none of those things. Instead I will look at the horrible wall tiling behind her. Who would actually have a ceramic, checkerboard in their kitchen? Definitely not someone of the standard that Alyssa Milano is set at.

And seriously, if you are going to date a hot woman, make sure she doesn’t make a mess of things in the kitchen. Cooking naked is great, but wouldn’t your only thoughts be “great, look at the mess I have to clean up”? She isn’t even trying to put the egg in her hand into the pan.

Looks good. Fun enough personality to do crazy things. Makes a mess of things in the kitchen and you have to even question her ability to cook. This picture almost spoiled my appetite for eggs and Alyssa Milano. Almost.

Scared to see what she would do with spaghetti.

You think the headline was cheesy? Please, I have done cheesier stuff to win the affection of Ms. Wilde. I once dressed up as a giant donut outside of her house and sang Wild Thing. Why? The donut was a big ‘O’ and represented Olivia and of course the song was about her. It was a perfect analogy of our love and like the donut, our love was quickly gobbled up by a fatty.

Who was the fatty? Imagination. Imagination isn’t a fatty you say? Well it was simply my imagination that I did these things to win her over and when I realized it was not a reality it got gobbled up into thin air.

You see how that works?

Yeah so um she is hot in an alien looking way. I’m not sure if her head is growing and is about to explode or she had some surgery to make her look cartoonish. It is a hot type of cartoonish though so it is all good.

Sorry, I lost $10,000 on the Colts yesterday so I am paying small New Zealanders to write for me.

There are so many things that baffle me about this photo that I don’t even have words in German to describe it. There is a whole set of these for her new album, but I couldn’t bring myself to post them. She is young so I can only hope she is doing collagen injections on her lips already. The world knows she got a bit of a nose job, but that is understandable, however there is no reason to get the fatty lip injection.

Remember when Hilary Duff got them and she came out all weird looking? Now it doesn’t even appear as if she has lips. This was a very tricky outfit for Ashley to pull off though. I want to stare at her lips to help gain a better understanding of life, however I am also drawn to the ridiculous stockings that she is wearing. I literally have one eye up and one eye down. I am a bit concerned that I might get permanent sticky face.

It must suck for her being lost in the Zac Effron / Vanessa Hudgens spotlight, but she will break out of it eventually because she has that bitchy attitude thing going for her. Disney is just keeping her in the shadows until Miley turns hooker and can pull of anymore tricks.

Sorry, I lost my train of thought there as I went back to look at her lips and now I find myself strangely attracted to them. This woman is a witch I tell you. I knew I should’ve returned her calls.

Although she ruined Old School I like her as an actress. She has class and style and a strange beauty that draws me towards her, but what is she wearing? I know not everyone is blessed with the ass of an adonis like myself, but shouldn’t you at least try to wear jeans that show there is a butt attached to your lower back? Maybe she isn’t putting money into a parking meter, but a machine that adds some meat to the buttocks region.

You would think that they have such machines in LA. You actually get tickets in LA for not using the machines to enhance your figure. They call them “you need to look good” tickets there. Screw parking tickets.

Back to Pompeo. Nah forget about it, I really have nothing else interesting to say about her. Not sure if that is a slight against my imagination or her personality. I guess that is a good thing for her. She still has a job, but is boring enough that not too many people bother her or write about her.

I wish I lived that lifestyle, but I can barely step out of my house before 1000s of people are asking for a strand of the hair on my back.

Although we gave Miranda Kerr the title of model of the year it doesn’t mean there wasn’t anyone challenging her for the spot. Bar Refaeli used to be known as the girl that dated Leo DiCaprio, but now she stands alone on her own merit. Not often do people standout on merit alone, but when your merit is a 35-25-25 body with a freckley cute face then well your merits are pretty great.

Over the weekend I was able to do some thinking and all of it surrounded dating models. We see these gorgeous women and we don’t realize how great the stylists behind the scenes are. So you meet one of them out, things go well and you start dating, but they just don’t have their stylists around them all the time. Do you get frustrated because you get to see the normal face while the world gets to see her at her best as much as you do? I think you do get a little frustrated.

Then you see her model friends all done up all the time and maybe you start to waver in your affection for your model girlfriend. It all ends badly and the next thing you know you are at a bar drinking with Leo trying to understand how it all went wrong.

Am I insane for thinking like this? I believe so, but you have to be insane to deny dating a model no matter how insane they are and you know they are crazier than the people writing on this site.

All of the above was probably the most irrelevant drivel I have ever written.

UPDATE: TMZ is reporting that Bar and Leo are now back together. This really destroys my logic in the entry.