I checked out Defamer’s Sharon Stone post today which made me crack a few laughs.  In honor of Basic Instinct 2 appearing in theatres this weekend, enjoy this little post to get your excitement and anticipation going.

“In honor of Sharon Stone’s courageous contribution to the pantheon of ridiculously bad movies gay men will quote frequently, we offer a round-up of today’s scathing Basic Instinct 2 reviews :

“· “It should come as no surprise that “Basic Instinct 2,” the long-gestating follow-up to Paul Verhoeven’s 1992 blip on the zeitgeist screen, is a disaster of the highest or perhaps lowest order. ” [NY Times]
· “At this point, there are inflatable toys that are livelier than Stone, but how can you tell the difference? “Basic Instinct 2″ is not an erotic thriller. It’s taxidermy.” [NY Post]
· “What we may very well be looking at here is another “Showgirls,” a drag camp-fest for the “Baby Jane” crowd, fabulous fodder for future cabaret acts, and a pleasure probably best enjoyed in a crowd — preferably a vocal one.” [LAT]
· “The plot has no credibility. The goings-on are not suspenseful, despite a series of gory slayings.” [USA Today]
· “Absurdly overheated and unforgivably dull, “Basic Instinct 2″ is the accidental comedy sensation of the year to date, and while some of the people involved seem to be in on the joke, director Michael Caton-Jones isn’t one of them.” [Boston Globe]
· “It doesn’t help that co-star Morrissey — who serves as the audience point of view and has most of the screen time — is a charisma-challenged non-entity. Clearly, the producers could not induce a male star of any stature to take on the thankless role.” [Seattle PI]
· “Where is the suspense part? There is no suspense part. Suspense demands clarity of motive and action, and this screenplay never provides it.” [Washington Post]”"

Wishing you all good weekends full of fun and lacking stabbing ice picks.  See you Monday with my own Instinct review & the Sharon Stone is a Sexy Old Lady post.

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Superfreak, I mean supermodel, Naomi Campbell was arrested yesterday at her home in New York City.  The charge- allegedly assaulting her personal assistant, yet again.  This particular incident occurred at 8am Thursday where the victim, a 41-year-old woman, was struck in the head by an unknown flying object and was taken to nearby Lenox Hill Hospital for stitches due to a laceration on the back of her head.

Campbell was arrested immediately following and taken to the Midtown North Precinct in New York.  A representative for the prone-to-hitting-personal-assistants-with-blunt-objects Campbell stated, “We believe this is a case of retaliation, because Naomi has fired her housekeeper earlier this morning.  We are confident the courts will see it the same way (or they too will be sleeping with the fishes).”  Wow, the rep made it sound like a mob kinda thing, I can see that.  Naomi is the crazy, antic-ridden, out-of-control boss who everyone is afraid to approach.  Very understandable. 

This is not the first offense for Naomi, who revels in tormenting her personal assistants.  In 1998 Campbell was accused of punching personal assistant Georgina Galanis and hitting her with a telephone at a luxury hotel in Toronto.  In the year 2000, assistant & secretary Vanessa Frisbee (Frisbee??) accused Campbell of attacking her for refusing to cover up her extramarital affair.  In 2004, housemaid Millicent Burton pointed the finger at Campbell for kicking, scratching and slapping her.  2004, personal assistant Simone Craig files assault and battery charges alleging that Campbell held her hostage in a LA hotel and in 2005 Naomi “You’re gonna sleep with the fishes, bitch” Campbell, as those in her mob family lovingly call her, she beat an assistant over the head with a Blackberry during an argument in Brazil.

So all in all, Naomi is a girl whose passion is only equal to that of Mike Tyson.  You can take the girl out of the ghetto, but you can’t take the ghetto out of the girl I guess.

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Tori Spelling, seen here with her fiance actor Dean McDermott, has big boobies, I do not lie.  I’m not sure I remember them being that size during the 90210 years as seen below.  I guess they just get bigger as you blossom into a fruity, flighty socialite butterfly.  I think I need to try that approach, I have always wanted pretty, silken wings.

Spelling is getting pumped up at Jimmy’s Lounge in LA for her upcoming VH1 premier.  Her new show which hits TV’s this Sunday is entitled “So NoTORIous“.  Oh, I get it.  It’s her first name and the word ‘notorious’ crammed together to make a hilarious TV show title, how cute & original.

Spelling will star as a “fictionalized” actress surrounded by an eclectic groups of pals such as her former nanny, a devoted manager, a self-absorbed roommate and a real estate agent.  Loni Anderson (that should make for some laughs) will star as Spelling’s mom, a demanding Beverly Hills housewife, is there any other kind?  And the 32-year-old Spelling’s pet pug Mimi La Rue, will be playing herself.  How adorable.  I hope they dress her up in sweet little clothing and let her prance around the house, I just can’t wait.

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Ocean’s Thirteen is being fast-tracked and is scheduled for a summer 2007 theatre release.  Wow, that’s a relief, I thought I was going to have to wait until Christmas 2007 to see this wonder of a film.  But seriously, I was with Steve Soderbergh on the first one, thought it was a cute remake heist film.  George Clooney always tickles my fancy and Matt Damon, in the right light, looks like my husband. 

Ocean’s Twelve, now, is a bird of a different color.  It was awkward, unclear, lacking that campy style the first one exuded so well and overall made me think that they were just making this film to capitalize on the interest of the first without adding creative and new content.

And now Ocean’s Thirteen is in production?  I have to say that I had more hope for Clooney than to steer his career in this path.  Julia Roberts and Catherine Zeta-Jones apparently knew when to quit, and have not signed up for this sequel to the sequel.  Ellen Barkin will be playing the leading lady and will be closely involved with Matt Damon’s character. 

Brad Pitt, Andy Garcia, Don Cheadle, Bernie Mac, Casey Affleck (well, what else was he going to do?), Scott Cann, Carl Reiner and Elliott Gould will also be returning in the Thirteen.  You know, amongst the Chinese, the number thirteen is considered lucky and commonly associated with wealth, however in the US, the number thirteen is regarded as an unlucky number best avoided.  Since this film is being filmed in Burbank, California- a city in a US state- I can only assume that this will be an unlucky project at best.

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Britney Spears has made it into the sculpting medium. No, not a Cynthia Plastercaster move, more of a pro-life project. A life-size sculpture of a naked Britney (my life now has passion & meaning) kneeling on a bearskin rug (huh?) as she gives birth (did those in the medical field change the birthing position from the missionary to the doggie style?) will be on display next month at Brooklyn’s Capla Kesting Fine Art Gallery. You’re booking tickets now, aren’t you?

The sculpture, which Brit had nothing to do with, is set to appear next to a display case filled with anti-abortion material. The sculpture, created by artist Daniel Edwards, is entitled “Monument to Pro-Life: The Birth of Sean Preston”. I feel like a more appropriate title would have been “Monument to BritKev: The Birth of a Destined Redneck”.

Britney & Kevin Federline pro-life? Who knew? After that whole risking-the-life-of-your-baby-in-a-moving-vehicle thing. Edwards states he has not met the pop star, “I admire her. This is an idealized figure.” Yeah, I’d say. It’s more of an idealized version of giving birth to wild fantasies with a naked, pregnant Spears caressing a bear head.

You can catch Britney on Will & Grace tomorrow night, where she will grace us with her pop star presence, whether you will it or not.

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Documentary filmmaker Morgan Spurlock made headlines by not considering his audience for his speech at Hatboro-Horsham High School in Philadelphia last week.  His perfect audience would apparently consist of non-McDonald’s employees or people who know & enjoy the company of McDonald’s employees, no teachers or anyone who knows & enjoys the company of teachers & no special needs children or those who know & enjoy the company of special needs children.

During a lecture last week where Morgan Spurlock was invited to speak at Hatboro-Horsham High, the Super Size Me filmmaker’s speech was cut short and another that was planned later that day in town was cancelled when Spurlock joked about the intelligence of McDonald’s employees, teachers who smoke marijuana & special needs children.  Hmmmm.  Talk about not considering your audience at a venue where many teenagers probably work part-time jobs at McDonald’s and where you might, quite possibly run into a few teachers at a high school.

The be-stashed Spurlock has since posted an apology on his website stating, “It was never my intent to insult or demean anyone- and I understand how some of my remarks may have offended some in attendance and if you feel they did, then I am deeply sorry.”  He also told a local newspaper that he hadn’t thought of the audience when planning his talk and could have chosen this words better.

You know, I like that.  Most people do consider their audience when planning a public speech.  I doubt it would be in my best interest to speak about the illogical nature of Scientology at a toast for Tom Cruise.  But, I like that Spurlock appears to be above this level of sensitivity.  I think I just might have to use this tactic at work.  “I know that many of you sitting here today are, in one word, idiots, now back to the that PowerPoint presentation, Sarah.”

Ahhhhh, the freedom of carefree insensitivity.  Try it today. 

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On TheSuperficial today, you can distract yourself and your fellow workers with none other than a Pamela Anderson Hard Rock nipple.  While at the Los Angeles Hard Rock Cafe Anderson stopped to sign a few autographs as well as inspire a few pants to rise in the chain restaurant. 

“Anybody can show off their nipples through a white t-shirt, but it takes a true pioneer like Pamela Anderson to manage it while still wearing a bra. With women like this wandering around, it makes me wonder whether investing my entire life savings to invent X-Ray glasses is even worth it. My financial advisor says no, but my heart says yes.”

I’ve always said to myself, “That Pamela Anderson, she is a true pioneer.  She has discovered tribal spousal aggression, been involved with the less fortunate, gained speed against fur trade, maintained prominent support from small boys and even now she is a steel rod in the structure of female equality & respect.”  Yep, I’ve always said that.

Scientologist Isaac Hayes has slammed & denied reports that a stroke was the real cause of his departure from South Park.  Earlier this month a frenzy ensued when Hayes issued a statement that he was leaving the show, after voicing the role of Chef since 1997, because of the show’s lack of sensitivity towards religious groups.  Apparently it took Hayes almost a decade of poking the irreverent stick at religions to grow concerned about his actions.  But, you know, maybe, just maybe, it was because of that whole Scientology episode….

Another possible reason has come to light for Hayes’s retirement from South Park.  Last week a report stated that Hayes had suffered a stroke in January and was unable to stroke his soulful voice into a hard day’s work.  Isaac Hayes Entertainment spokesperson Amy Harnell has since denied this report and stated that the singer had not been debilitated by a stroke, rather had checked himself into a Tennessee hospital for high blood pressure & exhaustion.  Tennessee?  A black hole state where you’re likely to lose your dog, your wallet and you wife and end up being the story of a country song.  I just don’t see Isaac as a Tennessee man, more like a Chicago or NY City man.  Maybe he likes rocking chairs, whittling and young, white country women, who knows.  He is on his fourth wife after all.

I do know that this stoke thing is a bit silly, as we all know he had a Scientology stroke several years back and I’ve been rooting for the Thetans ever since.  The 10th season of South Park premiered on Comedy Central last Wednesday.  With the fracas of Hayes quitting due to the evil grips of Scientology on the horizon, creators Matt Stone & Trey Parker crafted an episode in which Chef was brainwashed by the mysterious ”Super Adventure Club”.  Stone & Parker used Isaac’s past voice work to piece together the voice of the loveable ladykiller Chef.  The show drew 3.5 million US viewers, the most since 2002.

So for high TV ratings, loose the Scientologist and regain your audience.  Is that the lesson here?

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Gwyneth Paltrow & Coldplay rocker husband Chris Martin are crossing their fingers for a boy. Paltrow is expected to give birth in May and is planning to give birth to her second child underwater, a new trend that has been gaining speed and acclaim the past several years.

As we all probably know, Paltrow & Martin bestowed upon their baby girl, born May 2004- they really like this whole May thing, the name Apple Blythe Alison Martin; a mouth-watering mouth-full.

She explained herself & her choice of name on Oprah saying, “It sounded so sweet and it conjured such a lovely picture for me - you know, apples are so sweet and they’re wholesome and it’s biblical - and I just thought it sounded so lovely and…clean! And I just thought, ‘Perfect!’”

So, I was expecting in the same ilk for the new baby bump. Maybe Lamb Donner Squeaky Sugar Martin. You know, it’s sweet, wholesome, biblical and clean. It looks like I shouldn’t have bet the mortgage on this one.

Paltrow & Martin, if they have a boy, will be naming the baby after Paltrow’s godfather Stephen Spielberg, whom she loving calls Uncle Morty. They will be naming the child Mortimer. Morty & Apple sitting in a tree, C-O-N-F-U-S-E-D. First comes humiliation, then comes depression, then comes name calling in a baby carriage.

You know, they still could use the name Lamb Donner Squeaky Sugar Martin, they haven’t said what their plan is if it’s a girl.

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David Hasselhoff, hairy man extraordinaire at large, is firing back at claims from his estranged wife Pamela Hasselhoff that he was an abusive husband.  Does this photo look like a man capable of spousal abuse, a man with demons inside just waiting for the appropriate irritation to let them loose on his victim?  Maybe.  Possibly.  Even probably.

Pamela Hasselhoff has won a restraining order from a Los Angeles court after claiming in court documents that the Knight Rider “star” once screamed profanities at her in front of their children and slammed her into a car.  You know, if that really is the case- I’ve got plenty of neighbors who need restraining orders.

Ex-Baywatch “star” Hasselhoff denies these allegations saying that they are a figment of her imagination.  Hmmm, I like that approach.  I’m not really robbing your bank and taking this sack-full of cash, it’s just a figment of your imagination.  Yeah, I like that.

Hasselhoff’s publicist stated, “David Hasselhoff categorically denies that he has engaged in the conduct alleged by his wife.  Unfortunately, Mrs. Hasselhoff has personal issues that need to be addressed with the assistance of professionals.  Out of the consideration for his children, which, as always, remains his paramount concern, he is not going to discuss this publicly.”

Damn, I need a publicist.  I can just see the aftermath of my bank robbing adventures now, “Unfortunately, the bank has personal issues that need to be addressed with the assistance of professionals.  Out of the consideration for the bank employees and her own children which, as always, remains her paramount concern, Allison is not going to discuss this publicly.”  Smooth.

It’s Hasselhoff publicists warfare- Pamela’s publicist fires back with, ”We question Mr. Hasselhoff’s statement about his wife requiring professional help. What does that mean? Professional help could mean an agent looking for a job for her. What he is trying to imply is something medical and that is a defamatory statement and we object to that. There has never been an allegation of this type made against Pamela in her career.”

A fabulous and again, smooth response- leaving me with more validation that I, myself could use a good publicist.  They’re better than lawyers, these publicists, they are smooth & eloquent verbal fighters.  I love it.  Don’t fight your own petty battles, just hand them over to your personal publicist.  “Allison would like to date your client, how does he feel about that?”  “My client feels that dating said person would be a devastation to his career as a transvestite tight rope walker and declines the offer, but does appreciate her consideration.”

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I’ve been wondering about old Jakie G lately.  How did he go from the devastatingly bad film The Day After Tomorrow to enlightened movie such as Donnie Darko or Brokeback Mountain?  So, I thought I will round up the history of Jake Gyllenhaal and see what I could find.

Jake was born in Los Angeles, California on December 19, 1980 to director Stephen Gyllenhaal and producer / screenwriter Naomi Foner Gyllenhaal.  Jake has some nobility in his veins, being a descendant if the Swedish noble Gyllenhaal family.  He was raised in the Jewish religion and had his Bar Mitzvah at a homeless shelter, his parents tried to instill a sense of appreciation for his privileged lifestyle.  He is the godson of Jamie Lee Curtis and is a godfather himself to Heath Ledger’s daughter, Matilda Rose. 

Gyllenhaal graduated high school and headed off to Columbia University.  He stayed in college for a couple of year, but dropped out to concentrate on his acting career.  He actually had his film debut at the age eleven in City Slickers (so go grab that movie for the weekend and try to find ole Jake), he then began to establish himself with such films as October Sky before being cast in the title role of the highly acclaimed Donnie Darko.

Jake won attention after his work on Darko which was nominated for an Independent Spirit Award for Bets Actor.  He soon played opposite of reality TV hater Jennifer Aniston in another Sundance favorite, The Good Girl, which also won rave reviews.  So, he’s looking good- in some great films, on his way up, etc.  Then he decides to a part of The Day After Tomorrow in 2004.  This movie was considered to be a commentary on the possible effects of global warming, but all it did for me was think, “Why is Jake in a blockbuster action film?  Where is the Sundance king?”

From Molto Mario, which he played opposite his sister Maggie, to Jarhead, I just keep getting more confused as to what attracts Jake to these roles.  Can it really just be for the money?  He was reportedly paid $6 for his violent Marine role in Jarhead.  But then the Sundance cowboy stuck out his head once again with Ang Lee’s Brokeback Mountain. 

Brokeback won the coveted golden Lion at the Venice Film Festival, four BAFTA Awards and three Academy awards.  So, he must be doing something right, right?  Maybe I just hold Day After Tomorrow grudges.  He will always be the interesting, yet demented, Donni Darko to me.

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Jennifer Aniston has given reality TV a cold, hard slap in the face.  The Friends star is blasting reality shows for breeding a culture that is unnaturally obsessed with the lives of the rich & famous.  Well, I guess I could start being obsessed with the lives of the tattered and poor….

Aniston is so aggravated with the situation, she refuses to watch TV these days.  Better for her I suppose, with Angelina & Brad sucking face on camera and possible wedding plans.

 

Aniston backs up her claims & her TV strike by stating, “What happened to a great half-hour sitcom? (Jeez, you tell us!) It’s all Dancing with the Stars, Knitting with the Stars (That’s kinda cute, actually), Building a Home with the Stars, Living in the Home of Stars!  And then the ripping people to shreds.  Humiliation, degradation.  What is going on?  There’s so much instant gratification, and we want it.  It’s just bizarre.”

“I don’t watch TV anymore.  Nothing.  I have no interest in that idol shit.  Unfortunately the world is in such a state with this war and everything else that it’s easier to look at the triteness of celebrity break-us.  It’s like, ‘Ahh, relief.’  It’s an escape, rather like a daytime soap opera.  There’s nothing left to talk about and I’m just sick of everything about myself.”

She’s sick of everything about herself & there’s nothing left to talk about?  What does that even mean?  I think Jen has a bad case of the blues, here’s hoping Vince Vaughn can keep her chin up.

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The season premiere of South Park was one not to be missed.  Chef is dead, maybe.  In response to its former star Isaac Hayes, who was the voice of the beloved Chef since 1997, turning his back on the show last week due to his “religious” beliefs being taunted; Chef returned to the land of South Park a pedophile. 

The show was a satire on the whole Scientology thing and those we are loosing to its unrelenting, ridiculous grasp (quick, someone grab Beck away from Rabissi and run!).  Chef had left South Park to find adventure to replace the mundane and ordinary in his life.  He returned to South Park last night from traveling the world with the “Super Adventure Club” with all inhabitants overjoyed and tickled by his return. 

However, Stan, Kyle, Kenny & Cartman sense something queer about Chef.  A quick note- Hayes did not participate in this episode, rather creators Matt Stone & Trey Parker patched together lines from previous recordings, making Chef sound a little jagged & pieced together. The boys try to get down to the bottom of his odd behavior, especially when Chef continues to state that we wants to “make sweet love” to them. 

As is turns out, instead of Chef joining the “Adventure Club”, he joined the “Super Adventure Club” who’s mission is to travel the crevices of the world and have sex with little boys.  After realizing this folly, the boys take Chef to a physiatrist (oh no, Tom!) who confirms the boys’ fears and states that their friend has been brainwashed by the adventure club.  They then proceed to take Chef to a strip club to see if they can jog his “memory” for the ladies, he does indeed regain his strong sense of heterosexuality but only after seeing a fat-stacked black woman take to the pole.

It looked like Chef was going to make it, but in the end the “Super Adventure Club” won Chef’s heart and mind back.  He was making his way across a swinging bridge to the arms of his pedophile cohorts, when the bridge collapsed and sent Chef tumbling down rock after rock and falling upon an upturned tree limb which acted as a spike through his chest. He is then shot by his fellow members, burned, stabbed & finally mauled by a lion and a grizzly bear who leave barely nothing behind.

At Chef’s funeral, Kyle addresses the attendees:

“A lot of us don’t agree with the choices Chef has made in the last few days.  Some of us feel hurt and confused that he seemed to turn his back on us.  But we can’t let the events of the past few days take away the memories of how Chef made us smile.  We shouldn’t be mad at Chef for leaving us.  We should be mad at that fruity little club for scrambling his brains.” 

In the last scene of The Return of Chef, the “Super Adventure Club” raises Chef from the dead by using the Darth Sidious approach and rebuilt the man Chef. When metal coupled with flesh in the form of cyborg implants and enhancements required to sustain him, Chef’s transformation was complete. He was no longer Chef. He was Darth Chef with a golden, glowing spatula of terror.  Will Chef one day reveal he is Cartman’s father and be saved from the dark side?  I can’t wait for the reappearance of this new turn in Chef’s character. 

What a true and hilarious send-off for Chef as well as Isaac Hayes and a smack on the face for that fruity little Scientology club for scrambling the brains of some good ones- I’m so serious, someone go nab Beck from the evil claws of his clansmen and de-brainwash the man! 

It’s good to have Matt Stone & Trey Parker up in Hollywood taking up for the sane folks. 

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Film director M. Night Shyamalan, what a fantastic name by the way- I love it, has crossed off his list ‘Creep out the young adult & adult world at large’ and is moving on to the next item on his list, ‘Creep out the young children of the world’.

Shyamalan is releasing a children’s book June 21 entitled “Lady in the Water“.  The book was originally written as a bedtime story for his children and is now publishing the picture book as well as releasing a film of the same name.  It is interesting to ponder the parenting of M. Night, it’s like trying to imagine Stephen King tucking in the kids at night.

The tale will feature illustrations by Crash McCreery (another wonderfully original name) who has worked as a character designer on such film as Jurassic Park, Pirates of the Caribbean & Shyamalan’s own film The Village- which left movie-goers alike wondering what happened to the M. Night Shyamalan genius.

The story of the book & film centers on an apartment building superintendent who, while maintaining the pool area, rescues what he thinks is a drowning woman.  When the super discovers she is actually a character from a bedtime story who is trying to make her way back home, he works with the tenants to protect this character from creatures (of course, did you really think there weren’t going to be any creatures?) that are determined to keep her out of the story world.

The film version will be out at some point this summer sending chills down all of our backs.  Paul Giamatti will take the role as the superintendent and Bryce Dallas Howard the role of the Lady in the Water.  Paul Giamatti- he’s always playing the ugly, down-on-his luck guy.  At least he has some big boobies to play with at home.

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I know exactly what I’m doing May 19, and it’s not scrubbing the floors. The Da Vinci Code, a Ron Howard directed movie, is set to hit screens this coming May. From the man who directed Willow, Apollo 13 & A Beautiful Mind- I trust the director to do justice to the Dan Brown novel.

Tom Hanks is taking the lead as Robert Langdon & his counterpart will be played by the lovely French actress Audrey Tautou, who won fans and smiles alike in Amelie. The spirited actor Sir Ian McKellen will be playing the role of fitful Sir Leigh Teabing. With such a talent-ridden cast & fun book, I think anyone could direct this baby and make it sing.

The basic plot line of “The Da Vinci Code” fiction book surrounds a murder in the Louvre and clues in Da Vinci paintings lead to the discovery of a religious mystery protected by a secret society for two thousand years — which could shake the foundations of Christianity.

The trailer is now available for your viewing pleasure, with no spoils attached. There is some spoiling, however, for the author Dan Brown who has been involved in a lawsuit for the majority of this year. Two writers have stepped forward accusing Brown of stealing their ideas. Well, at least he didn’t call it a memoir.

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Kelly Osbourne has revealed the startling secret on her slimming, new figure.  She has put down the Jammie Dodgers cookies for good.  From being a rather large cookie herself, it looks like just her breasts are left to turn back in to the human she truly is. 

Ozzy Osbourne’s little girl is doing her share up growing up, and avoiding eating bats.  Kelly was pictured in the Mirror this week after loosing some noticeable pounds.  The weight dropped off when the “singer” laid her favorite Jamie Dodgers cookies to rest and took up dancing.  I can see the similarities there, the graceful movement of popping a cookie into your open, awaiting mouth to the graceful movements of a limber arabesque.

According to her hair stylist Terry Longden, “There was never just one packet in her dressing room- they left a case.  Nobody was allowed to touch them.  We knew better than to come between her and her Jammie dodgers.  I pinched one and she chased me down the tour bus.”  I wonder… after that comment, is she still the singer’s stylist?

Terry went on to say that Osbourne went on the diet after being taunted about her figure.  “She’s irritated when people label her as fat.  They see chubby cheeks first and assume they are fat all over.”

I understand the predicament Kelly must be in, however, I think we may need a good fat person role model, Kirstie Alley just isn’t doing it for me.

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Well, someone has to do it and I’m glad it’s Matt Stone & Trey Parker.  Stone & Parker have filmed a last-minute episode of South Park in response to Scientologist Isaac Hayes’ request to be released from his contract because the show mocked his “religion”.

Hayes quit the show last week stating, “there is a time when satire ends and intolerance and bigotry toward religious beliefs and others begins.”  This is the same Hayes who is one episode of South Park had the following line:

Chef: Where were we going to find a child to sacrifice?
Chef’s Mother: We weren’t going to ask where you got if from.

Back to the current story.  Because South Park episodes only take about six days to create, Stone & Parker were able to react to the current controversy soon after it happened.  The upcoming show that will air tomorrow night is entitled, “The Return of Chef”.  According to Comedy Central the show will feature, “The triumphant homecoming of school chef Jerome McElroy.”

“While Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Cartman are thrilled to have their old friend back, they notice that something about Chef seems to be different.  When Chef’s strange behavior stars getting him in trouble, the boys pull out all the stops to save him.”

I will most assuredly be tuned in to Comedy Central tomorrow evening.  It begs the question, who will be voicing the part of Chef now?  Will they use Hayes’ voice by piecing together existing dialogue?  Find some other soul singer & deep voice extraordinaire?  I’ll tell you what I’m hoping for- something completely different.  I think a polar opposite voice from what Isaac Hayes offers would really illustrate the ridiculous nature of this current situation.  What about a high-pitched Irish voice for our old pal Chef?

Can’t you just hear it now (read now with an Irish accent), “You’ve got to hold the football like you would hold your lover, eh. Gently, yet firmly, eh. You wanna be both nurturing and clinging at the same time, don’t you know. Oh, yes. Just like making sweet love to the football, eh. Be naughty with the football, eh. Mmmm, spank it, eh. Ever so gently, eh. Spank it, eh. Oh, uh, sorry, children.”

From the boys who had George Clooney on the show just to bark for the role of Sparky, the gay dog, I’m just tickled to see just what they do do.

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Prison Break stars Wentworth Miller & Rockmond Dunbar have slammed the cast of Lost.  The cast members of ABC’s hit series complained recently about poor filming conditions.  Apparently living it up on a private island in Hawaii just isn’t doing it for the crew.

Dunbar, who plays C-Note in the Fox drama Prison Break, insists the stars on the beach show have nothing to whine about.

“They’re in Hawaii, filing the greatest show in beautiful weather, and then you hear one of them complain about isolation?  Dude, try filming in Chicago in the middle of winter!”

I’m left thinking a few things:  Maybe he didn’t hear about the whole levy situation in Hawaii and who even says dude anymore?  But, I hear him loud and clear.  I’d like to hear myself complain while living it large on those beautiful shores, instead of complaining here in my office chair all day.

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With Scientologist Tom Cruise allegedly forcing Comedy Central to pull a repeat of a South Park episode about the cult religion last week & Scientologist Isaac Hayes quitting the show a few days prior after being the voice of Chef since 1997, I thought we’d do a little piece on the topic itself.

My opener:  Beck & Jason Lee are dead to me.

First let’s name a few scientologists:  Beck (damn, that one really hurt), Giovanni Ribisi, Marissa Ribisi (wife of Beck since 2004 & Giovanni’s twin sister) Jason Lee (man down!), John Travolta (he was always kind of weird), Kirstie Alley, Nicole Kidman, Priscilla & Lisa Marie Presley (could have guessed that one, right?), Kelly Preston, Jenna Elfman & Juliette Lewis.  A cornucopia of celebrities all mixed together under the mysterious roof of Scientology.

Scientology, why it has the prefix of science I’ll never know, is a “religion” based on the beliefs, teachings, practices, and rituals that originated as a philosophy in 1952 by ex-sci-fi writer, L. Ron Hubbard, and characterized by the Church of Scientology in 1953 as an “applied religious philosophy”. Hubbard defined the word “Scientology” to mean “a study of knowledge”.  Hmmm, you know if Douglas Adams or Stephen King came out with a religion, I’d have to be a little skeptical. 

According to freedicionary.com, Scientology is “a new religion founded by L. Ron Hubbard in 1955 and characterized by a belief in the power of a person’s spirit to clear itself of past painful experiences through self-knowledge and spiritual fulfillment.” 

All that is well & good, although I almost feel that the Church of Scientology might have had something to do with that vague definition.  Scientology is like a really pretty, but crazy girl.  She looks great & you’re having a nice time getting to know her, but it gets pretty freekin’ weird pretty freekin’ fast.  Scientologists believe that most human problems can be traced to lingering spirits of an extraterrestrial people massacred by their ruler, Xenu, over 75 million years ago. 

These spirits (Thetans) then attached themselves to individuals in the contemporary world, causing spiritual harm and negatively influencing the lives of their host; for example drug abuse, rape, Michael Jackson, etc.  Your job as a Scientologist is to purify yourself of these attached spirits, therefore clearing oneself  ”of past painful experiences through self-knowledge and spiritual fulfillment”.  Wow.  It’s amazing indeed how vague the freedictionary.com definition truly is.

Having spilled some of the beans on Scientology, it strikes me as hilarious, laughable that Isaac Hayes & Tom Cruise are pulling South Park shinanigans after an episode made fun of the religion.  Hayes has been the voice of Chef for going on 10 years now & has poked fun of Christianity, Judaism & every other thought-of religion.  Yet he backed up his resignation from the show with the statement, “Religious beliefs are sacred to people and at all times should be respected and honored.”

South Park creators Trey Parker & Matt Stone issued a statement themselves to Daily Variety saying, “So, Scientology, you may have won this battle, but the million-year battle for earth has just begun!  Temporarily anozinizing our episode will not stop us from keeping Thetans forever trapped in your pitiful man-bodies.  Curses & drat!  You have obstructed us now, but your feeble bid to save humanity will fail!  Hail Zenu.  The statement was signed “Trey Parker and Matt Stone, the servants to the dark lord Xenu.”

Those boys, they just keep me laughing.

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Colin Farrell’s ex-girlfriend, former Playboy Playmate Nicole Narain, will make some big bucks if their 14-minute sex tape goes public.  Narain will receive a $3 million advance payment from Internet Commerce Group (ICG) to distribute the film; on top of paying her legal fees, if need be, up to $60,000.

The Irish Phone Booth star is indeed suing Narain and trying to stop the release of the sexy tape that they made three years ago during a brief romance.  The suit states that the release of the video would cause irreparable damage to Farrell’s career and reputation.  Ummmmm….  Does anyone remember Tommy Lee or Pamela Anderson’s careers taking nosedives after their infamous boating adventure?  I quite remember the opposite. 

Farrell is seeking general and compensatory damages as well as a temporary restraining order and injunction prohibiting the sale and exploitation of the videotape. Farrell is just the latest in line of celebrities who have shared their intimate moments with us on camera.  When will they ever learn?  Film it, enjoy it & burn it has always been my policy.

Reportedly in the tape, a video-camera-in-tote Farrell focuses in on Narain’s white cat and comments, “Baby, you have the most beautiful p—y,” that is, according to the New York Post.

Narain, whose physical attributes include a tattoo on her rear and a pierced tongue, displays the latter for the lens. Farrell responds in kind, saying, “I could do this breakfast, lunch and dinner.”   The sexy duo then apparently proceed to try out a variety of steamy sexual positions, hopefully without the cat playing along. 

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