Tonya Harding is in the news yet again, but not for being a hitlady.  Tonya’s been multi-tasking and trying on various personalities.  From a born-again Christian singer (who never sang a word without getting at least one “boo”), to boxing (yes, I said boxing) to a new series on GSN airing March 12 entitled “Anything to Win“, Tonya has been a busy bee. 

From the above paragraph what interests you the most?  Was it A- What the hell is a hitlady?  Which would of course be the counterpart of the hitman.  Was it B- Multi-tasking, and thinking to yourself that you’ve heard that phrase from your boss’s lips too many times?  Or was it C- BOXING?!!

Yes, Tonya hung up her dainty little ice skates and donned some fleshy meat to her body and added boxing gloves.  She has spent the last few years as a professional boxer and has appeared on the show “Celebrity Boxing” where she pummeled Bill Clinton accuser Paula Jones. 

Regarding her boxing style, Harding said, “If you knock me down, I don’t care, I’ll get right up (with a long, sharp machete).  I’m like the Energizer bunny.  Usually the one who talks the loudest is the loser.” 

Confirming the fact that she is a manipulative beast who waits until you least expect it to strike her decisive and deadly blow to your head. 

Wow, Tonya Harding boxing.  It does kinda fit.  Go with what you know, if you’re a batty back-stabbing bitch, release your aggression thru entertaining and legal violence.  I guess it’s kinda like if Michael Jackson headed up No Child Left Behind.  Sorry, I couldn’t resist that one.

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Ahhh, Anna Nicole Smith- media epiphyte, scary reality show star, 32DD exposer and ditz extraordinaire is heading off to the Supreme Court today where she can meet & greet her former clients.  Hah!  Who wants to place bets on how long she can keep her dress above the floor?

No, the Court is to rule on whether Smith can retire from her day job as a weight-loss promoter and keep the fortune her former husband left her.

Former Playboy playmate Anna Nicole Smith married oil tycoon J. Howard Marshall II, 89, in 1994 while she was a 26-year-old topless dancer in Texas.  You know if you’re a topless dancer and want to marry old men and inherit their fortunes, Texas does seem like a good place to be. 

Marshall died the following year of their marriage and Smith contended that she was promised half his fortune, valued at $1.6 Billion.  During their short marriage Marshall showered Smith with $6.6 million in gifts that included two homes, $2.8 million in jewelry & $700,000 in clothes. 

Pierce Marshall, the wiley son of the late J. Howard Marshall II, states that various wills and trusts made him the sole heir.  But in 2002 a federal court ruled that Smith was entitled to compensatory and punitive damages because Pierce Marshall altered, destroyed and falsified documents to try and keep her dirty little hands off his father’s money.  That decision was thrown out and more money taken from the courts to push this ridiculous case toward the Supreme Court.

A hilarious side note- the National Association of Golddiggers & Gigolos, an organization that boasts a membership of over 50,000, organized a rally to demonstrate their solidarity with one of their most celebrated cohorts.  What the hell?  There is a freeking National Association of Golddiggers & Gigolos?  Who knew? 

Cristall Klujian, a former stripper who now works as a full-time golddigger stated this morning, “To the outside world, being a golddigger may seem like easy money.  I can tell you, as someone who has gone on vacations with wealthy boyfriends and laughed at their lame jokes, this is hard work.”

I see…. You know, that is hilarious on so many levels.  I don’t know about you, but I have to laugh at lame jokes at my work, with my family and my dog just doesn’t have the comedy routine down yet.  And I survive this, though mildly harmed. Wow.  All I can say is, that I’m a little perplexed with the world embracing a NAGG, but good work with the acronym.

So let’s keep our fingers crossed today, as Anna Nicole tries to keep her legs doing the same, not only for fortunes given to golddiggers, but to NAGG’s everywhere.

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Reese Witherspoon, 29, has surpassed big-mouth Roberts, 38, to become the highest paid actress of all time. 

The Walk The Line chin-prone starlet will earn $29 million for the upcoming horror film Our Family Trouble- beating the $24 million Julia Roberts was paid for Mona Lisa Smile- why, oh why did they do that movie?

Interestingly, these two top women are both from the southern states; Witherspoon hails from New Orleans while Roberts claims small town Smyrna, Georgia as her home.  Which just goes to show you that the South may have lost the Civil War, but they’ve clearly won the battle to produce the most appealing females celebrities. 

Another tid bit regarding Reese that was in the news today- the body of the paparazzo that harassed Mrs. Witherspoon last September has been positively identified, no one felt that a negative identity was appropriate at this time, by the Los Angeles County Coroner’s Office. 

An issue for 44-year-old photographer Todd Kevin Wallace’s arrest was issued in December after he failed to show up for a bail hearing relating to charges in the Witherspoon incident.  In September he became angry and threatening when Reese and her friends declined to be photographed while at a children’s amusement park.  He reportedly struck a five-year-old girl and shoved two park employees while under the spell of aggression and disappointment.

Lesson to be learned- don’t mess with the Reese, ’cause you might end up sleeping with the fishes, biting the dust, kicking the bucket, buying the farm, paying the piper or just plain whacked. 

The southern belle is expected to with the ‘Best Actress’ Academy Award this Sunday for her acclaimed role in the Johnny Cash biopic.   

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England’s famed football (soccer) captain of Real Madrid expresses bewilderment regarding his 6-year-old son Brooklyn’s math homework.  The husband of Spice Girl Victoria Adams, or Posh Spice, admitted to being utterly dumbfounded when his little boy asked for a bit of help with his homework and had to turn to his wife for help.

“Their homework is so hard these days.  I sat down with Brooklyn the other day and I was like, ‘Victoria, maybe you should do the homework tonight.  I think it was math, actually.  It’s done totally different to what I was teached (who said Brits had good grammar?) when I was at school (yeah, math just keeps on changing) and you know, I was like ‘Oh my god, I can’t do this’.  And Brooklyn was like ‘Please do it with me’ and I’m like, ‘I’ll read your book with you.” 

And I’m like, ‘I’m going to vomit’.

The midfielder’s son attends an exclusive school which adheres to the British national curriculum.  Here are a couple of examples of what some British national curriculum math questions for 7-year-olds are:  “Bet went to the shop at 11:45am.  She came back half an hour late.  What time did she come back?” and “What is 12 divided by three?”

David Beckham needs to thank his lucky stars he can play ball, because I don’t think there’s much hope for an intellectual career. 

 

 

Singer and general trouble-maker George Michael was arrested late Saturday evening in London, near Hyde Park.  Was he preaching to the masses on a soap box made of silly putty and orangutans & was arrested for suspicious ideas and cohorts?  No.  Was he making sweet love in the park loo whilst looking in the mirror?  Surprisingly, no.  Was he simply arrested on principle for that terrible, squinty British constiapated look he shares with us?  He should be and should have been, but sadly, no.

The 42-year-old hipster was spotted by a passer-by in central London, slumped over in the driver’s seat of his Range Rover.  He was arrested on suspension of possessing drugs (which he had in a small quantity- cannabis) and later bailed pending a return to the station next month.

I would like a better story than this to occupy our headlines this Monday morning.  Something like:  George Michael, after facing bad hair and facial expressions, escapes time and space to become Captain 80’s Man.  He rescues maidens from Whitesnake, is seen helping old ladies cross Thunderbird-ridden streets, dares to wear the most leather-ed outfits and calls his mum once a day to make sure she’s keeping up with his clippings.  Captain 80’s Man saves the day once again for all of us! 

Happy Monday.

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Does good old gal Hilary Duff want to shed that little girl image?  Hmmmm…

Star magazine reports that Hilary Duff is ready to leave the training bra behind and don lustful lingerie.  The 18-year-old star is in negotiations with former “Hollywood Madame”, Heidi Fleiss.  Fleiss gained attention with her infamous prostitution ring, including clients such as Charlie Sheen.  It is reported that Duff will be starring in the Fleiss-produced film, Beverly Hills Tutor. 

A rep for Fleiss said, “Yes, they are in negotiations with Hilary.  But it is in the very early stages.”  Just like Hilary herself.

And another one bites the dust……

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We’re all pretty much familliar with House of Dereon, but here’s a refresher to go along with the new ad campaign.  The House of Dereon is a clothing line launched in October 2005 by Beyoncé and Tina Knowles. The line was inspired by the success of Tina Knowles’ fashion creations, which were worn by the now disbanded, (for this second) Destiny’s Child. Prior to the launching of her line, many of Tina’s creations were seen on the red carpet, worn by Beyonce and troupe.

The clothing line premiered for the first time on The Oprah Winfrey Show in November 2005. The models for the runway show included Destiny’s Child members Kelly Rowland and Michelle Williams.

The new ads for House of Dereon shows us lovely and intimate scence with Beyonce & her mother.  It’s actually kinda sweet.  Gush, gush.

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Pregnant Gwen Stefani fears she will never regain her rock ‘n’ roll figure.

Stefani regarding motherhood and hot bodies, “It’s the best gift, but I do look at my stage clothes and wonder if I will ever get into them again.”

You will, but the tight little red pleather shirt may turn into the tight little red pleather wristband.

Gwen, 36 & husband Gavin Rossdale, 38 are expecting their first child in June and I can’t wait for the unveiling of the name. Do I hear a Ziggie or Jaded?

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American Idol contestant Becky O’Donohue doubles the pleasure. The aspiring singer, (right) and possibly porn star, is featured alongside her twin sister, Jessie, in a series of hot & steamy pics on the Maxim magazine Web site. I’m not so sure about the battered-wife look going for Jessie in the pic above.

The 25-year-old twins posed in bikinis, unbuttoned baseball jerseys that are just waiting for the right person to tear them off and in a sauna setting wrapped in only small towels, glistening with sweat. The photos were taken two years ago for the magazine’s online fantasy (sound like your fantasy as well?) football game. The images come back to us now in our time of need, with O’Donohue an Idol contestant.

Jordan Burchette, executive editor of Maxim Online shares his thoughts regarding the images, “There’s all kind of new buzz surrounding them. They were athletes in college, then models, and now they’re vocalists. We look forward to their political careers.”

I can see that. They run through your mind at work, you imagine them modeling naked just for you, their melodious (yeah, right) singing breezes in your ears and you only want to make them you personal president. Yeah, that’s about right I guess.

But you know what I think? Despite Simon’s reputed hatred for all things breasted, I’m pretty sure he’s the most frequent visitor to this site, along with his teddy bear Rupert and handy bottle of lotion.

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The Superficial, always dependably hilarious and devious has some words on old Jakey boy.

“Brokeback Mountain co-stars Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger have become so close that Ledger has asked Gyllenhaal to be godfather to his 4-month-old daughter Matilda. Gyllenhaal credits the movie with building a unique bond between them. He says, “Heath and I are best friends now — making the film was very intense for us. I’m actually godfather to Heath’s daughter Matilda, which is an amazing honor. Almost as amazing as the night he covered me in warm cocoa and called me Mr. Pickles. I think he might have been drunk.”

Ok, I may have doctored those last two lines a bit. This is a nice, heartwarming story, so I don’t really have much to say. But I’ll be curious to see little Matilda’s reaction to all this as she grows up. In most circumstances, stumbling across a DVD of Dad having sex with your godfather can lead to some awkward questions. Particularly if they’re both dressed as mimes. And weeping. And using your bed. And you get the DVD for Christmas.”

Ahhh, they always tickle my fancy, that Superficial.   

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Lucyna Turyk-Wawrynowicz (I would never remember how to spell my last name if I had that doozie) was sentenced Tuesday to one to three years in prison by a judge who said the defendant was “cleaning out” her celebrity employers’ valuables while cleaning their homes.  Lucyna, who is an illegal alien from Poland (I could not restrain myself to show this in the above pic), pleaded guilty to grand larceny, forgery and identity theft.

When she pleaded guilty Feb. 8, Lucyna admitted to stealing a pair of diamond earrings from her client Robert DeNiro’s wife, Grace Hightower.  Manhattan District Attorney Anne Schwartz stated that the earrings were valued at $100,000.  Well, that is a lot of bills to be wearing around one’s earlobes.

What I wonder is what kind of agency hires these ladies for such high-end clients?  Can I just put in an application to be Carrot Top’s maid, without any kind of background check?  You would think that if you were going to hire a housekeeper for say, Prince, you would make sure they were not in the country illegally.  But this could work in our favor, I could take photos, while hiding in the coat closet, when Carrot Top comes home and takes off his head, revealing that he really is Liza Minelli!  I think I see an opening here.  Who’s with me?

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The grossly-veined individual to your left truly is the Carrot Top.

The 19-year-old actress and pop singer, Lindsay Lohan denies her status as “Teen Queen” in the March issue of Allure magazine.

“I hate it when people call me a teen queen.” 

Sure, I can see that would be a little annoying, however true.  Her entourage, which includes a personal assistant, an icy publicist and always an in-tow friend takes care of every need of this little real-life Drama Queen.  From a hankering for a McDonald’s happy meal to a napkin while she vomits up the happy meal, they are at her beck and call. 

She recently worked on a more grown-up role acting opposite Meryl Streep, Lily Tomlin & Tommy Lee Jones in Robert Altman’s A Prairie Home Companion due out this July.  I’m sure the rest of the cast was just tickled to death to work with such a mature and delightful young lady.  Who knows, maybe she found a consoling ear in Streep and they spent the days away talking about Wilmer Valderram’s insensitivity and lack of commitment, that was after the topless pillow fights of course.

Lindsay went on to say that the past year, “felt like five lifetimes because I’ve grown up a lot.  I know better what to do and what not to do (in bed).  I lost sight of the people and the things that are most important to me (in bed).” 

OK, I couldn’t help inserting the infamous fortune cookie add-on, it made what Lindsay said almost interesting.

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Take some time with this pic.  No, don’t go to the bathroom, shut the door, grab the lube and never come out- take a look at what’s going on.

First, the obvious: the now famous and most-written-about-on-bathroom-walls open legs of Paris Hilton.  Almost, but not quite, boring by now. Then move your eyes downwards.  Is that a leg on the sofa next to her?  Keep going. It appears to be a young lady on her knees, holding her hair back and probably not looking for a lost contact; I believe the lady has split her cookies. 

You have at least five gentlemen looking on at this scene.  I think the tan gentleman to the left might be questioning our earring-ed fellow to the right, “I say, Simon- is there an open porn market for Paris’ crotch and a hot vomiting dame?”  And then suddenly R Kelly appears on the scene, “Hot vomiting dame?  Did I hear someone say ‘hot vomiting babe?’”

And then there’s the vixen herself.  I assume, and quite frankly hope, that the girl is drunk.  The oblivious laughter coming out of her plastered face as well as the lack of concern that she is not only showing the goods to those present that evening, but soon to the world- just has to make you wonder about the raising of this young chick. 

But then there’s the “carpe diem” approach I’m sure Paris has taken to her philosophical heart.  She’s thinking, “I won’t be beautiful forever, I’m young now, I’ve got the goods to show, when I’m older and in charge of my Hilton empire I’ll know- I’ve done something, by god!”

Hah!

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Marilyn Manson, born Brian Warner, recently made headlines not with humping another head or more outlandish or videogamesque costumes; no the bachelor has been taken off the market.  Last December the shock rocker married burlesque dancer Dita Von Tesse, or as her mother knows her- Heather Sweet.  The ceremony took place in Kilsheelan, County Tipperary, Ireland, at Castle Gurteen, the home of the couple’s friend, controversial artist Gottfried Helnwein.  Manson & Tesse began dating over five years ago and appear to have not looked back since; this is the first marriage for both. 

All that’s well & good, but what I want to know is about the makeup.  I feel certain that cosmetic stores worldwide get quite tingly at the slightest mention of a Marilyn Manson tour date.  Ye gods, the application alone must take pounds of foundation and cascading wallets of cash.  I would think Dita gets more lipstick on her collar these days than Manson. 

 

 

 

It’s been over a decade since we first saw the makeup-donning Manson, and I have to wonder, will the persona ever end?  After the Clearasil, the lipstick on your teeth, leaving marks on the pillow- wouldn’t that be enough for anyone?  But I’m not so sure we’re ready for that.  I don’t think the Manson seen at right will move crowds to line up their cash for CD’s and overpriced concert tickets.  You be the judge, Marilyn Manson without makeup- sexy or just plain wrong?

 

        

               

 

Another peek into Paris’ sex life?  All signs point to yes.  Apparently what happens in Vegas doesn’t necessarily stay in Vegas for the hotel heir; Paris Hilton & Playboy playmate Nicole Lenz had an unforgettable experience at the Bellagio Hotel and they’re dying to make you a part of it. 

“The moment we were in the room, Paris had only one thing on her mind- sex,” alleges Lenz.  “We lied down on a king size bed and took it in turns to play with each other.  It wasn’t long before we were naked and rolling around together.  We just pleasured each other for hours, recording it all.  Paris had brought all manner of sex toys, to make sure we didn’t miss out on anything simply because there was no man in bed with us!”

Are you hot & bothered yet?

The steamy video was reportedly filmed on the reality TV star’s 22 birthday on February 15th, 2003.  It is also claimed that Scary Movie 3 actor and former porn star Simon Rex joined in on the fun.  The 36-minute tribute to sexiness everywhere was filmed as a birthday present from Nicole to Hilton.  Awwww.  Isn’t that sweet.  I need to make sure my girlfriends are aware of what I’m expecting for my next birthday.

With Paris Hilton gallivanting around the playground of her life, the only question I have is this:  Paris Hilton, love her or eat her?  I’m going with eat her. 

Mmmm… Paris… yum…yum…yum…  You eat the burger, the burger eats you!

 

Our once favorite sweethearts are going through the messy details of divorce.  Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson who won fame and arousal from the MTV reality show, “Newlyweds: Nick & Jessica” are hashing it out and Nick wants to keep the family jewels. 

Lachey cited irreconcilable differences for the dissolution of their three-year marriage and asked for “miscellaneous jewelry and other personal effects” in court last Friday.  Lachey states that he and Simpson parted ways December 13, although the Dukes of Hazard beauty claims it was November 23.  Why does this matter you ask?

Well, I have to think it’s because Simpson earned more than $30 million last year and you gotta get whatcha can.  When the couple married in October 2002, 98 Degrees member Lachey had more earning power than his wife but did not opt for a Massey prenup.  Perhaps that was the best idea after all. 

At least they can each run to the arms of their new loves when the divorce proceedings are just too much.  Jessica is still getting hot & bothered by Maroon 5 frontman Adam Levine and it looks like Nick has his arms wrapped a

round former beauty queen Elizabeth Arnold. 

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Newsweek sat down with dancer and perpetual father Kevin Federline to discuss his new role as white-boy rapper.  Federline seems prepared for the backlash this musical move will make.

Quoting his critics, Federline tells us, “He hates his children, he treats his wife like dirt, he gets high all day….  If I was that bad, you think anyone, let alone Britney, would put up with it?”

Ummm, yes.  Though I doubt we need a “Free Britney” campaign.

The fertile Federline plans to release his debut album by this spring, but without featuring his loving and dear wife on the album. 

“We have collaborated, but I’m not going to put the songs on this album because it’s like, ‘Respect me first; then I’ll show you what I’ve done with my wife.”

Ummm, OK.  Like making her into a dribbling, baby-toting idiot?  Yeah, Kev, we know.

Let’s talk Kevin for a minute.  Let’s go back to where it all gets so icky- early 2004.  So, he’s in a long-term relationship with Moesha star, Shar Jackson.  They already have a daughter, born in 2002, and she is six-months pregnant with a son.  At this point Federline dances into the Louisiana heart of Britney Spears and the rest is distasteful history. 

Let me get this straight, he leaves his pregnant girlfriend, waves goodbye and does an I’ll-send-you-a-check-and-see-them-on-the-weekends-I-remember kind of thing and some poor saps out there are going to buy his lackluster album and support behavior such as this?  Maybe we need “Free the Poor Saps” t-shirts. 

My apologies, but if your September 18, 2004 wedding consisted of the groomsmen wearing  matching warm-up suits marked with the word “Pimps” and the wedding fare was chicken wings, ribs, mini cheeseburgers, crab cakes, and Waldorf salad followed by drinks at a nightclub on Sunset Boulevard paid out of your own pocket on top of leaving your pregnant girlfriend, you’re off my “I’m going to buy your album” list. 

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Finally it has happened! My dreams have come true, my prayers have been answered! We now have a Kid Rock & Scott Stapp (Creed frontman) porn! Oh, how long I have awaited this moment!

Ok, I have to do it- an Official Call Out. Kid Rock is a redneck! As well as Mr. Stapp by default. You could find more singing talent in an Alabama liquor store! Sham on you for buying his album and making him feel that “Bawitdaba da bang a dang diggy diggy diggy said the boogy said up jump the boogy” was a musically decent thing to do. My ears still ache from that dark time period in our history.

And now we have to see red neck oral sex in the newly acquired video from Red Light District production company. This never-before-seen video is an excruciating 45 minutes long and features the Kid and Stapp receiving oral pleasure from several of their groupies while on tour about six years ago. Run & hide groupies, that skeleton-in-the-closet video you thought was long gone and forgotten is back to make your children say, “You know, that kinda looks like my mom.”

Red Light District president David Joseph told AVN.com, “We obtained the tape from a third party. We haven’t decided exactly when we’re releasing it, but look for it in a few months.”

If you’re Stapp, how can you follow up the wedding present to your new bride of drunken intoxication following arrest and missing the Hawaiian honeymoon flight? Oh, I know! A porno!

Cheers!

For a 45-second preview, which oughta be enough for anyone, visit: http://www.kidrocksextape.com/content/front/ or http://www.creedsextape.com/content/front/.
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The one we call Lisa Marie Presley has tied the knot, again.  Was the groom Marilyn Manson?  An Elvis impersonator?  Or Gollum?  Nothing would surprise me now from the singing-handicapped ex-wife of Michael Jackson.

ET has confirmed that Presley was hitched to musician & producer Michael Lockwood.  Which works out fine for her.  She can shout “Oh, Michael!” and really be thinking about Jackson’s wondrous ways.

They were married January 22 in Kyoto, Japan in a traditional Japanese ceremony.  Priscilla Presley did the honor of walking her daughter down the isle, while her former husband and father of her two children, Danny Keough, was the best man.  Hmm.. who’s decision was that?  Lockwood’s parents were also in attendance. 

We’ll see if she can surpass the two-year mark.  Lisa Marie was previously married to popgod Michael Jackson (1994-1996) & to actor Nicolas Cage (2002-2004). 

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